that's my mama

reality
is breaking free
i see it be
side vanity
i see it in
side every thin
wide squirming coil
of shiny foil
aluminum
is what you call
it spirals out
of every point
at once about
to pull the joint
out of your mouth
and stick it in
your ass!

the key this is a new page this is a new age is to start with nothing. nothing is something. something is everything. start with nothing because if you start with something you never get anything. the thing you never get is nothing nothing is a thing anything you want nothing satisfies and when you never get anything you never get nothing you never get everything. when you never get nothing you never get everything.

i keep writing i hold the pen i see the paper i wait for the mind to start i wait for the mind to tell the pen what to write i've gotta quit that i've gotta let the pen write the mind will echo the pen the best is when the pen writes but it fights the mind fights it's used to winning. i have to train myself to ignore the mind not ignore it i've got to train myself not to worry about just let the pen write because look at it go it's doing it. the author of this book is julien's pen. no more fucking, by julien's pen.

i adjust the paper and the mind goes on the mind goes on and on and on the mind goes on and salmon spawn and i'm a pawn in the great mind-game. no more! i want to play. i never knew i could play i always let my mind do it but the mind will learn the hard way who is boss. the mind need not apply it is the servant of the self.

because the self who is the self you are the self i am the self we are. the self is ever-lasting one is zero times infinity don't quibble only everything is true.

i stop and start and when i stop the mind does not it screams it doesn't like to not be paid attention to it is the mind. it minds. it minds still more when i ignore it when i start the nerve how could he think he can go on without his mind. but who is he see that's just it that's how they get you thinking still you must be still. but still the mind resists the stillness when it's still no longer rules it is the servant not the master it is still. the way to still it finally is to allow it to be free and say the mind is not the me inside the i. and then the mind tries every trick it flashes promises and sickens you with fear. it has no love it uses fear it has no power but you fear it is the truth. there is no fear you feel the love you know no fear no mind controls you feel the love. when there is love there is no fear and there is love mind has no fear with which to drive you from the path you walk with love. still mind no fear with love no tear full speed ahead until you're dead until you live. until you're dead you live to give until you live you're dead until you love to live you give your fear to death you fear you're dead you love you live you give your fear to love you live to give to love.

the cat population is increasing all the time. i feel strangely bloated. all i had last night was fruit. the plum i ate was not ripe. it wasn't terrible, but it could have been better. i knew i should have waited. why can't i wait?

it's raining. it rained yesterday. it's gonna rain tomorrow. it's rainy season. just like in tallahassee. the image in my mind is of the ditch at the bottom of the hill across from leon high school. that thing fills up! with water. (). /

sleepy time again. i don't have to sleep why do i think i have to sleep why do i think i need 8 hours why do i think? thinking makes me tired. i've been tired this week fei chang lei i don't know why i went to bed at 6:30 (pm) sunday and monday. last night i don't know it was 9:30 or something. now it's 3:30 some would say the middle of the but you don't have to how 'bout the morning? meher baba says the best way to sleep soundly is to get up when you wake up no matter what. i've been waking up at 5:45 and saying "i should stretch" and going back to sleep and waking up at 6:15 and saying "i should shower and get dressed" and going back to sleep and waking up at 7 and saying "ok i really gotta get up" and somehow move my body to a sitting position. but then that's the problem i sit there. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. i miss the bus i just can't care i'm too tired to move who are you?

adrian beltre is a motherfucker. he is tearing the ball in half this year. scott rolen, too, but he's been lucky. this is the year of the third baseman. third base is now a hitter's position. eric chavez aramis ramirez mike lowell alex fuckin rodriguez aubrey huff bill mueller won the batting title last year but they got kevin youkilis waiting in the wings watch out for eric hinske next year is the year he puts it all together. there's still some crap cf: the al central but it's like that with every position. melvin mora is crushing at third this year after crushing in center last year and crushing at short the year before. chone figgins is doing fine as a 3b/cf which you gotta respect will troy glaus ever be healthy? he probably will one of these years and he'll murder the ball maybe next year. chipper jones is back at third. and the minors are teeming. teeming? finally there is balance. the gloves are in the middle, the bats are on the lines.

4:00 time to stretch.

ok no more of that crappy little notebook. i bought 3 pads of paper. total price: 37 1/2 cents.

dean just called. he wants that photo! "any photo will do. as long as it is a clear picture of yourself."

what is this is this writing? i saw donna today but only for i don't know 45 minutes she was like maybe i should go home and we can play baseball tomorrow. ok but you donh't have to go home or i could go with you i guess you wanna go home i don't exactly understand the whole thing that's going on she was talking about how excited she was to play baseball but then it rained. does that mean we can't do anything? i don't understand but i decided to let it go. no need to be obsessive. i guess. i mean who cares (tenet 2: do what you want), but whatever. so we sat and talked we talked and talked everytime i figured i should go she asked another question or furthered a point why does she want to go home? i guess it was her last day of work she wants to rest. i don't know. i don't know. it's hard being in love and not fucking. it shouldn't be. it's hard because no one's used to it. it's a very confusing time. one of us is 20 years old with a boyfriend and is love with a 30-year-old who's like nothing she's ever seen before. the other is 30 and has seen so many of these fresh-faced young things with eyes full of wonder and here's another one they get you every time. it could be something special. but maybe this one will be special because we don't fuck. and by fuck i mean sleep together naked.

i had an idea i don't want any ideas when i start because that's old i have to have the idea at the same time that i write it the thing is i'm running out of paper. i wrote up the fronts and all but a few of the backs last night good stuff though, huh? and i forgot to get more today i still could it's 10:00 i'm sure i could find some somewhere but fuck it i have a few sheets left and if i really have to i'll write on something. it's not that dire actually i have a small notebook i just hate small paper to write on i like my lines to flow across the page.

flowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. . . .

i saw donna yesterday. it was 2 nights ago that i did all the writing. i saw her today, too. i was on the bus home from work, waiting for it to embark. her bus pulled up and dropped her off. our commutes are opposite. i didn't i could've jumped off and said hi but it seemed weird.

yesterday i saw her in the morning. she got off the bus i got on. she had been hoping to see me she had been wearing grungy clothes hoping we would play baseball play catch with the gloves and a ball. we had both been hoping we'd see eachother. we're in love but she's a 20-year-old virgin with a boyfriend. none of these things would keep me from fucking her if i chose but it would be an act of extreme violence. i'm not talking about rape i mean figuratively. whatever figuratively means everything is metaphor everything is real. i mean she's got this nice neat little virgin life and i would rip it to shreds. i could do it with one claw. it's not her who wants to be a virgin it's her boyfriend. he's afraid she won't want to be with him anymore. the more i think about it the more i realize there are serious problems here. maybe it's just that he's gay. but what if he's not. then they're gonna get married and have a terrible sex life. i don't know why i'm so worried about it. am i that concerned about her boyfriend's ability to fuck her or do i just wanna fuck her myself? my handwriting is turning to shit.

she hated the movie monster and she said "every word was a curseword." she's gonna hate my book. i taught alice some english today and she is so hot. then alice and bonnie (bai yun) helped me with the sleepover kids and they are hot but there's no time for interaction there cause it's about the kids.

constellation is "star seat" in chinese. chinese is hot. chinese women speaking chinese are hot. and i can talk to them. i can go up to any chinese woman and talk to her in chinese and she'll want to talk to me because i'm a rock star. i found amine's number i thought i had lost it i may quit my job there are so many opportunities that all pay better this guy wants me to be in commercials i still haven't sent him a picture here we are now on the short paper. we'll see how long this lasts i hate it already i just crossed an h. diana says my writing is choppier but better i hadn't noticed i certainly hadn't noticed it getting better i'm so modest no it was now that i think about it it was pretty shitty that book i wrote is pretty shitty but of course it's brilliant. you can't take out the shitty parts they're necessary the book must be whole it is. wholly brilliant, batman!

this paper is bad the pen doesn't flow it write stupid shit like "wholly brilliant, batman!" it's too soft writing on it feels like wading through knee-high grass. we had knee-high grass in our backyard when i was a kid. it was great it came up way past our knees cause we were kids. we built forts and tunnels all through that shit.

it's bedtime. good night.

the world is shadow and we think it's real. turn away from the shadow. turn away from the shadow turn away from the shadow there's a third dimension, you flatlanders!

yes it's fascinating the shadow is fascinating we really want it to be real. really. want it.

to be real. we really want it.

take a look. look and see. catch a glimpse. you know. you see. you know it when you see it and you still hold on with all your might hold on to the shadow.

i'm just trying to help.

"help yourself!"

help me help you.

mmm i would love some cornbread and collard greens right now i am not kidding. maybe some black-eyed peas this shit is powerful it's just food why can't we get away from it there's food everywhere it's just as good if mo mo mo went to america he'd wish he had dumplings and pork buns. dumplings and pork buns sound pretty good right now. someone's making them somewhere. i bet i could find them. i bet i could.

i haven't had a pizza yet but it's just a matter of time. it's probably just a matter of time.

i haven't had mcdonald's. i don't think i will. i haven't had kentucky fried chicken. that sounds pretty good. biscuits and mashed potatoes and gravy. i know it's all cheap and shitty but it's all i got. i could make it. it would taste better. i know how to cook.

so the story with jenny the cab drops us off in the middle of nowhere. where's tai he station this way we walk. motorcycles offer rides they want our money we'll walk.

"it's too far to walk."

we walk and ask people where's tai he station and we walk and we ask and it's this way we walk and we ask. it's a long way. it really is a long way. we walk for, what, an hour and a half? in the middle of nowhere where the fuck are we who the fuck knows.

there it is! a beacon of light shining giant characters tai he toll station we made it!

who are these freaky white boys talking to toll booth workers walking up here where did they come from? the police are uneasy i walk from booth to booth. no jenny. do you know cheng jun yan? no nobody knows her. she works here. the police have caught up to me. i show them my page of information.

"oh you want the tai he toll station of the beijing highway!" great there's another fucking tai he station.

we get in a cab. we drive around. this cabbie is a complete moron. how can you not know where the beijing expressway is? how? what. the. fuck?! we drive back we get directions from the police officers. he still can't find it. we've been looking for over an hour. the bill is over a hundred kuai. fuck fuck fuck what the fuck?!

what do we do we go home. we failed. we tried and we failed. we blew it. we're fucked. by which i mean i. i'm fucked.

the next morning i tell her on the phone she calls. she said she would and she does.

"i love you. i want to marry you." one way to ask a question in chinese is to give two options. so i say "you want not want."

"b-b-b-b-ga b-b-ka b-qi b-gi ki g-b-k!" i don't know what she said it was some kind of unintelligible exclamation it was priceless. she spoke english: "too quickly!"

baby we ain't got much time i'm leaving on the train to kunming in a couple of hours.

"i don't have any money!"

i'll give you whatever you want i have an answer for everything i am in top form but she can't wrap her mind around it's too much she's in shock. she can't imagine her life being that good. she wants to hold on to her reality. she doesn't know how to not.

and i'm lying on the floor you gotta pack caesar i'm useless.

i used to fuck. what happened to me?

what happened to me?

i'm a woman. i've become a woman. i no longer carry a spear. i no longer stab it wherever i can. i have studied women so much i've become one. maybe i've studied women more than baseball.

it's 2:15. yes it's that same night. i can break it chapters if i want. indeed. i hate that word. indeed is a word you use if you want to sound scholarly. fuck all you scholars and all you fucks you're all secretly afraid you're a bunch of bullshit well you are. i got news for ya. fuck the scholars and the fucks.

fuck it all fuck everybody no more fucking. fuck it. fucking. fuck it. fucking fuck it. fuck fucking.

write it all away. you got somethin you write it away. you don't write it down you write it away. and now that we've opened the channels we know, got flow. there was some mucous in there or something. had to use a snot broom. one of those heavy-duty brooms that you push forward not a dust mop you know what i'm talking about. it's hot. sometimes i turn on the air conditioning i like it when the air conditioning's been on but it's off. usually i sit and sweat.

at least i'm not watching tv. i watched boxing today i always look away for the knockout. i mean, i'm watching watching concentrating and my mind wanders i look away and BOOM

someone's on the floor it's me i'm on a mattress on the floor in the living room i like to be in the living room now even though i don't run the fan anymore and the air conditioning is in the bedrooms. i'm glad i don't live at the kindergarten. that would be hell.

i gotta stretch i got this thing in my neck amine says he's got a friend she'll do it for free then she'll fuck me she's nice amine is a sleazy french mother fucker.

2:30 i must be butter what am i gonna do i'll make kevin youkilis my third baseman jorge cantu jose lopez rickie weeks middle infield there's also jj hardy and bj upton. david dejesus and wily mo pen~a center field alexis rios with the stick i need a couple more hitters no sweat jeff mathis at catcher and maybe dioner navarro. talk to me in two years.

i gotta take a shower i'm sweatin like a motherfucker i gotta hose off. i'm afraid to leave the paper though cause at any moment i could sit up and spit up all over this shit and you'll say wow! like you're watching it which you are. cuz you are. the star. of the show. only you it's always you.

we take cold showers around here cause the hot water is way. too. hot i got sores in my mouth one sore right now cause i bit my lip i got a tooth. on the bottom that protrudes and it chews on my lip no, it's not good. it's bad.

"i always get that wrong."

i have rice. i could make eggs and rice. doesn't that sound delicious? i need to buy sheets. need. villagers cook rice in little earthen bowls individual-size. clara's mother has found her teacher clara's one of my kids her mother is zhang a man. she's a pianist with students whom she wants to learn english i'm artistic she's very excited. i am too. finally some freedom finally some like-mindedness.

maybe i'll quit the whole canadian international gig i keep talking about it sometimes i do things.

this guy dean wants me in commercials i gotta send him a photo i don't know how not that that's an excuse. somehow life keeps goes no time keeps on slippin. time. keeps on slippin.

into the future what are we gonna . . . who? what are we gonna i got to you got to we got to they got to the orange juice is still open. the time is 2:50 the sacrifice is now. don't you see the sacrifice is now? do you want a better seat? we sacrifice our life in this physical world for immortality in the next. let me explain. no, you don't understand. when you write you are sacrificing that time which is your life. the time of your life. then you live on. your words become thoughts they are red they live on they reduplicate fornicate mix body fluids it is the future. there is no here and now it is all wrapped up it is a gift to the future it's love. do you get it?

good.

i'm building up all this i'm gonna blow my top not the top of my dick the top of my head. fuck you and fuck you and fuck you i wanna fuck you and it's all gonna blow and be gone. and no more. no more fucking. no more fucking ever again. fuck it. fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. maybe i'll do something.

"you can't go outside you have to put on pants."

i can put on pants.

"what are you gonna do out there?"

i don't know, take a break from this madness?"

"it's wet. it's been raining."

how do you know?

"i can hear the drops. and the cars have the sound of wet road. you know what i'm talking about."

maybe that's from all the women who know they're in my vicinity. is my obviousness disgusting?

"julien lives here i wanna fuck him i'm leaking all through the floorboards if only i knew his apartment number i'd fuck him so hard he'd be fucked and i'm a woman, which is just what he likes."

i need to get out.

look at that. it's midnight. i'm awake. i don't know why it takes me this long to figure out what to do. i'm sittin here, quasi-hungry. i'd like a piece of bread of some sort. i could go find one. i have fruit here. it's not ripe. i was trying to look up the word for ripe the other day and i looked up the word for fresh. i'm gonna look up ripe right now. the time for ripe is now. the time is ripe for ripe. ripe that smile off your face.

what we call an asian pear they call a crystal pear. and what we call a plum they call a bu lun. they got em from us.

no desire nothing that's not true no desire is the goal, isn't it? therefore there is the desire to have no desire. but at this moment i think there is the desire for desire. there is still the desire for flesh. it's so tiresome.

i can't write anything decent anymore the longer i'm in this country the more fucked up my english gets. i need to get more paper. that's always my story. i like this paper though the way it's lined i'm finally just writing in it the way it was intended to be written in, but english instead of chinese. i surprise myself when i choose to go with "correct" grammar.

is this a book? you know but i don't. it won't be for a while. it'll be a blog. which is kind of like a book. i wish you could have a blog that put stuff at the bottom, instead of the top. i mean, i wish it were easy.

comin up on 1 o'clock. still this let's call it angst. is that all it is? i should be ashamed of myself. i like to go to the net bar, but i already did that today. the two prospects got snapped up. fantasy baseball, yes. keeper league where you keep young players and you can sacrifice draft picks to keep veterans.

none of this is readable. when i start to edit i just slash. i pull on the sweater and it comes undone. watch me unravel.

i'll soon be naked yes i'm naked any chance i get. that's not true for everyone, is it? some of you wear clothes when you're alone, don't you? what's that about?

sure sure sure blah blah blah i got nothin. there's nothin here. i have this somehow need to accomplish all of a sudden. i gave up on my baseball research project. working with friends wasn't working. was. i don't know. i haven't really written about baseball in the past. are you prepared to believe that i know more about baseball than anyone? not bragging, it's true. define "know". i obviously don't know how to hit josh beckett's curveball. yes i have weird, this page has no lines. devoted more mental energy to baseball than anything else. i have a ba in mathematics. i wrote a book. i speak chinese. none of that comes close to my thinking about baseball.

why? what will come of it? something, right?

what else do i do? i'm well-read. i have an interest in spirituality. i play sports whenever there are people, which is rarely. people don't like to do things.

i have plums and pears (asian), and no bread. i have four eggs. eh. maybe that should be spelled "eah".

i:15. it was 12:30 before. i said midnight because it was cleaner. i gotta come clean with you guys on that. diana, do you really think my writing has gotten better? i don't see it. i suppose i'm settling into some sort of "style". i seem to be more comfortable with traditional sentence structure. i'm leaning on my right elbow and writing with my right hand. this is barely legible.

how can writing be pornographic? i'll answer that question. people are afraid of anything that stimulates the urge to fuck. the chinese government is trying very hard to eliminate pornography on the web. ha! i got news for you people: people wanna fuck. it's how we're wired. it ain't pictures or words or sex lines or chat rooms it's walkin around, living, breathing. get over it. who makes an anti-pornography policy with a straight face? they were reporting it on the news. how can they report all this ridiculousness and not burst out laughing? what the fuck? everybody's worried about being deviant.

i wonder if donna's read my book. i bet not. adobe acrobat is unubiquitous. i'm about to run out of paper. i guess i'll have to write on the backs. mosquitos bite me every night. i don't do anything about it. i'm hungry. caesar, i'm falling apart.

the orange juice is sitting open on the table. the fruit looks good, but i know i must wait. if i eat it i'll feel like a heel. no more paper. i'll get more tomorrow. if i can overcome this inertia. an object at rest. i need to stretch. i'm so sick. and tired. of stretching. of everything. i need i need i need i need wah wah wah wah wah. 1:30. landlord came today and fixed the air conditioning. he called because i forgot to pay rent. if he hadn't called i probably wouldn't have told him about the air conditioning. i mean, i meant to. i had been meaning to for weeks.

"how long have you been in china?"

"a month and a half."

"wow, a month and a half and you speak that well?"

"yes, i am the baddest motherfucker of all time."

wo hen bang. it means "i am a badass." i said it to jenny. she said i know.

jenny jenny jenny what's gonna happen she'll come around eventually but where will i be? literally, physically, mentally, figuratively. literally, hopefully i'll be better than this. hopefully i'll have a subject. there' that's better. i just put a comma in an apostrophe location.

"shot, where will you be put?"

"far, far away. far away from here."

the olympics. the roid fest. yes, get over it, people. people alter their bodies. bodies alter their people. this bodes well. for the future. that's an unnecessary clause to add. to wit, no i don't feel like it.

"are you done?"

"fuck, no!"

tim robbins wrote a novel where a major plotline was a spoon a something and a can of beans crossing the country. it was the most interesting part of the book.

war and peace. just started it. can't believe i've never read it. what a pleasure. to do: learn russian.

i need to fucking get a fuckin chinese book and read it. you can tell how serious i am by how frequently i say "fuckin". i have never read a chinese book. what the fuck is wrong with me? how the fuck do i expect to learn the language? actually, it seems to be happening despite me. i can read again all of a sudden. i was looking in a chinese dictionary randomly. i don't mean a chinese-english dictionary, i mean a chinese dictionary. and i could read it. i mean, i used to could read, but i haven't been able to lately. i guess my brain turned back on.

girls girls girls. do i wanna fuck bai yun? yes. does she wanna fuck me? yes. how can you not wanna fuck a girl named white cloud? is it gonna happen? nope.

how'm i doing, literally. i literally want to fuck bai yun. and her friend alice. she's got these thick lips and this thick ass that's just like her lips soft and swollen oh my god. and alice looks good in tight pants and she smiles she's a montessori teacher that's hot. literally, i'm going down the tubes. literally. i have made it my own. i'm going down the fallopian tubes. man born of woman. i wish . . .

oh: a spiral makes a snail. a spiral makes everything. the golden spiral. what's the differentiation?

i'm so sick of chinese people. i left america because i was sick of americans. no, i left america because i wanted to go back to china. now i realize that chinese people are just like americans. just as prejudiced, just as small minded. the men hate me because i get paid. the women love me because i get paid. it's not even that i get paid. it's that i look like i get paid. i get spit at, glared at, stared at. women giggle and look away. everyone who's selling something is my friend. everyone who's my friend is selling something.

the thing i like about it, the saving grace, is that i'm constantly learning. chinese. every exchange is a learning experience. i hope i see donna today at the bus station.

i want to go to a park or play basketball or eat dinner. i wanna do something with her have a nice time. i don't wanna fuck her. i mean, maybe i'll fuck her. if it happens, it'll be nice. it'll be nice because it'll be natural. i don't even have her phone number. i don't wanna ask shantel for it because i think that would be weird.

working is like a screw in me turning, slowly turning, ever turning.

mango drink cookies paper pen here we go here we go again it's a ritual a magic spell it starts the magic can't you see it's magic? who am i in love with today you gotta push through that high. men push through that hymen. i don't know how to write on this paper it's got lines but they're alternating wide-spaced and narrow spaced because it's for chinese characters. i'm fine i'll get used to it. to accurately represent your reality it's important to include bad writing among the good. is this bad? what are you talking about this is gold! you fucking blind pig pg pig without an i. eye---i'm rubbing it my mama told me not to. maybe i'll see donna tomorrow i thought the phone rang but it was the door bell it's that creepy chicken guy he climbs the stairs shakin bells sellin chicken. don't worry diana i call you diana now i don't call you nadia anymore i never did. there go the bells. i live on the fifth floor.

i'm sposed to plan my lessons for tomorrow for next week. i'm supposed to plan a week ahead what 6 things i'm gonna teach 3- and 4-year-olds over the course of a week. an entire week and i'm supposed to teach them 6 things and i'm supposed to plan it. they learn a million things all the time what the fuck when you plan it you can't do that because the key what you gotta do is teach them what they're interested in. how do you know what they're interested in they don't even know what they're interested in one week try one second. you gotta go with the flow i'm gonna eat a cookie.

healthy food butter cookies favourites power selection europe cookies 100% new pure nature.

i'm so superior. fuck you. these cookies are terrible. so is this mango drink. you just can't get good processed sugar in the provinces. i wish i had a bathtub. i wish i had a girl. if i did i would ball her. i wish i had something better to write than stupid puns that nobody gets.

i have eaten the penultimate cookie. i teach english and i write english. i'm an english man. but i'm not an englishman. whoa-oh! i'm an alien i'm an illegal alien i'm an english man in guangzhou.

i shoule have known better. once i found my muslim restaurant i shouldn't have taken a chance on another. look at me with my correct english. i'm a teacher and all of a sudden i'm all proper and shit. i teach english(!) damn straight. who's better?

i can impress at any time i can throw a trick move in there as i dribble down the field i shoot and gooooooooool! no "a" the motherfucker's spanish but why i gotta explain?

no i'm the best no fuck that i'm the best no fuck that i'm the best.

the chinese teachers all wanna fuck me they're all bitches except the coach but a coach ain't a teacher fuck you.

i'm the only male they let near kids that small they always get up in my crotch when they line up they do that to all the teachers but this one's different there's something in there they can tell.

mosquito tried to bite me now it's dead.

alice it the hottest teacher now it was her friend bai yun---white cloud---with full lips first christina tight ass tight waist tight tits but it's alice she does montessori.

once per two weeks they have montessori class it's not enough they got whole schools devoted to that shit.

watching her teach kids gave me a hard dick do they know do these girls know that while i watch i put my dick in?

in my mind i put my dick in while i watch.

they're teachers i always wanted to fuck my teachers and you're supposed to look at them. and the way they look at children full of love they make love to the children i'm a child make love to me like that.

and every teacher says give me your phone number i'll call you you can teach me english yes i say let's do it.

i didn't want to leave today the kids were watching toy story and alice and bai yun were there and i was teaching everyone was watching me i'm such a fucking stud.

alice and bai yun were sitting staring at me longingly as i taught children english then i left. next time i'll read a story to the kids speak so much better when there's something going on when there's some thing to talk about to try and make them sit up straight is useless quiet.