Saturday, August 07, 2004
diseased
look at that. it's midnight. i'm awake. i don't know why it takes me this long to figure out what to do. i'm sittin here, quasi-hungry. i'd like a piece of bread of some sort. i could go find one. i have fruit here. it's not ripe. i was trying to look up the word for ripe the other day and i looked up the word for fresh. i'm gonna look up ripe right now. the time for ripe is now. the time is ripe for ripe. ripe that smile off your face.
what we call an asian pear they call a crystal pear. and what we call a plum they call a bu lun. they got em from us.
no desire nothing that's not true no desire is the goal, isn't it? therefore there is the desire to have no desire. but at this moment i think there is the desire for desire. there is still the desire for flesh. it's so tiresome.
i can't write anything decent anymore the longer i'm in this country the more fucked up my english gets. i need to get more paper. that's always my story. i like this paper though the way it's lined i'm finally just writing in it the way it was intended to be written in, but english instead of chinese. i surprise myself when i choose to go with "correct" grammar.
is this a book? you know but i don't. it won't be for a while. it'll be a blog. which is kind of like a book. i wish you could have a blog that put stuff at the bottom, instead of the top. i mean, i wish it were easy.
comin up on 1 o'clock. still this let's call it angst. is that all it is? i should be ashamed of myself. i like to go to the net bar, but i already did that today. the two prospects got snapped up. fantasy baseball, yes. keeper league where you keep young players and you can sacrifice draft picks to keep veterans.
none of this is readable. when i start to edit i just slash. i pull on the sweater and it comes undone. watch me unravel.
i'll soon be naked yes i'm naked any chance i get. that's not true for everyone, is it? some of you wear clothes when you're alone, don't you? what's that about?
sure sure sure blah blah blah i got nothin. there's nothin here. i have this somehow need to accomplish all of a sudden. i gave up on my baseball research project. working with friends wasn't working. was. i don't know. i haven't really written about baseball in the past. are you prepared to believe that i know more about baseball than anyone? not bragging, it's true. define "know". i obviously don't know how to hit josh beckett's curveball. yes i have weird, this page has no lines. devoted more mental energy to baseball than anything else. i have a ba in mathematics. i wrote a book. i speak chinese. none of that comes close to my thinking about baseball.
why? what will come of it? something, right?
what else do i do? i'm well-read. i have an interest in spirituality. i play sports whenever there are people, which is rarely. people don't like to do things.
i have plums and pears (asian), and no bread. i have four eggs. eh. maybe that should be spelled "eah".
i:15. it was 12:30 before. i said midnight because it was cleaner. i gotta come clean with you guys on that. diana, do you really think my writing has gotten better? i don't see it. i suppose i'm settling into some sort of "style". i seem to be more comfortable with traditional sentence structure. i'm leaning on my right elbow and writing with my right hand. this is barely legible.
how can writing be pornographic? i'll answer that question. people are afraid of anything that stimulates the urge to fuck. the chinese government is trying very hard to eliminate pornography on the web. ha! i got news for you people: people wanna fuck. it's how we're wired. it ain't pictures or words or sex lines or chat rooms it's walkin around, living, breathing. get over it. who makes an anti-pornography policy with a straight face? they were reporting it on the news. how can they report all this ridiculousness and not burst out laughing? what the fuck? everybody's worried about being deviant.
i wonder if donna's read my book. i bet not. adobe acrobat is unubiquitous. i'm about to run out of paper. i guess i'll have to write on the backs. mosquitos bite me every night. i don't do anything about it. i'm hungry. caesar, i'm falling apart.
the orange juice is sitting open on the table. the fruit looks good, but i know i must wait. if i eat it i'll feel like a heel. no more paper. i'll get more tomorrow. if i can overcome this inertia. an object at rest. i need to stretch. i'm so sick. and tired. of stretching. of everything. i need i need i need i need wah wah wah wah wah. 1:30. landlord came today and fixed the air conditioning. he called because i forgot to pay rent. if he hadn't called i probably wouldn't have told him about the air conditioning. i mean, i meant to. i had been meaning to for weeks.
"how long have you been in china?"
"a month and a half."
"wow, a month and a half and you speak that well?"
"yes, i am the baddest motherfucker of all time."
wo hen bang. it means "i am a badass." i said it to jenny. she said i know.
jenny jenny jenny what's gonna happen she'll come around eventually but where will i be? literally, physically, mentally, figuratively. literally, hopefully i'll be better than this. hopefully i'll have a subject. there' that's better. i just put a comma in an apostrophe location.
"shot, where will you be put?"
"far, far away. far away from here."
the olympics. the roid fest. yes, get over it, people. people alter their bodies. bodies alter their people. this bodes well. for the future. that's an unnecessary clause to add. to wit, no i don't feel like it.
"are you done?"
"fuck, no!"
tim robbins wrote a novel where a major plotline was a spoon a something and a can of beans crossing the country. it was the most interesting part of the book.
war and peace. just started it. can't believe i've never read it. what a pleasure. to do: learn russian.
i need to fucking get a fuckin chinese book and read it. you can tell how serious i am by how frequently i say "fuckin". i have never read a chinese book. what the fuck is wrong with me? how the fuck do i expect to learn the language? actually, it seems to be happening despite me. i can read again all of a sudden. i was looking in a chinese dictionary randomly. i don't mean a chinese-english dictionary, i mean a chinese dictionary. and i could read it. i mean, i used to could read, but i haven't been able to lately. i guess my brain turned back on.
girls girls girls. do i wanna fuck bai yun? yes. does she wanna fuck me? yes. how can you not wanna fuck a girl named white cloud? is it gonna happen? nope.
how'm i doing, literally. i literally want to fuck bai yun. and her friend alice. she's got these thick lips and this thick ass that's just like her lips soft and swollen oh my god. and alice looks good in tight pants and she smiles she's a montessori teacher that's hot. literally, i'm going down the tubes. literally. i have made it my own. i'm going down the fallopian tubes. man born of woman. i wish . . .
what we call an asian pear they call a crystal pear. and what we call a plum they call a bu lun. they got em from us.
no desire nothing that's not true no desire is the goal, isn't it? therefore there is the desire to have no desire. but at this moment i think there is the desire for desire. there is still the desire for flesh. it's so tiresome.
i can't write anything decent anymore the longer i'm in this country the more fucked up my english gets. i need to get more paper. that's always my story. i like this paper though the way it's lined i'm finally just writing in it the way it was intended to be written in, but english instead of chinese. i surprise myself when i choose to go with "correct" grammar.
is this a book? you know but i don't. it won't be for a while. it'll be a blog. which is kind of like a book. i wish you could have a blog that put stuff at the bottom, instead of the top. i mean, i wish it were easy.
comin up on 1 o'clock. still this let's call it angst. is that all it is? i should be ashamed of myself. i like to go to the net bar, but i already did that today. the two prospects got snapped up. fantasy baseball, yes. keeper league where you keep young players and you can sacrifice draft picks to keep veterans.
none of this is readable. when i start to edit i just slash. i pull on the sweater and it comes undone. watch me unravel.
i'll soon be naked yes i'm naked any chance i get. that's not true for everyone, is it? some of you wear clothes when you're alone, don't you? what's that about?
sure sure sure blah blah blah i got nothin. there's nothin here. i have this somehow need to accomplish all of a sudden. i gave up on my baseball research project. working with friends wasn't working. was. i don't know. i haven't really written about baseball in the past. are you prepared to believe that i know more about baseball than anyone? not bragging, it's true. define "know". i obviously don't know how to hit josh beckett's curveball. yes i have weird, this page has no lines. devoted more mental energy to baseball than anything else. i have a ba in mathematics. i wrote a book. i speak chinese. none of that comes close to my thinking about baseball.
why? what will come of it? something, right?
what else do i do? i'm well-read. i have an interest in spirituality. i play sports whenever there are people, which is rarely. people don't like to do things.
i have plums and pears (asian), and no bread. i have four eggs. eh. maybe that should be spelled "eah".
i:15. it was 12:30 before. i said midnight because it was cleaner. i gotta come clean with you guys on that. diana, do you really think my writing has gotten better? i don't see it. i suppose i'm settling into some sort of "style". i seem to be more comfortable with traditional sentence structure. i'm leaning on my right elbow and writing with my right hand. this is barely legible.
how can writing be pornographic? i'll answer that question. people are afraid of anything that stimulates the urge to fuck. the chinese government is trying very hard to eliminate pornography on the web. ha! i got news for you people: people wanna fuck. it's how we're wired. it ain't pictures or words or sex lines or chat rooms it's walkin around, living, breathing. get over it. who makes an anti-pornography policy with a straight face? they were reporting it on the news. how can they report all this ridiculousness and not burst out laughing? what the fuck? everybody's worried about being deviant.
i wonder if donna's read my book. i bet not. adobe acrobat is unubiquitous. i'm about to run out of paper. i guess i'll have to write on the backs. mosquitos bite me every night. i don't do anything about it. i'm hungry. caesar, i'm falling apart.
the orange juice is sitting open on the table. the fruit looks good, but i know i must wait. if i eat it i'll feel like a heel. no more paper. i'll get more tomorrow. if i can overcome this inertia. an object at rest. i need to stretch. i'm so sick. and tired. of stretching. of everything. i need i need i need i need wah wah wah wah wah. 1:30. landlord came today and fixed the air conditioning. he called because i forgot to pay rent. if he hadn't called i probably wouldn't have told him about the air conditioning. i mean, i meant to. i had been meaning to for weeks.
"how long have you been in china?"
"a month and a half."
"wow, a month and a half and you speak that well?"
"yes, i am the baddest motherfucker of all time."
wo hen bang. it means "i am a badass." i said it to jenny. she said i know.
jenny jenny jenny what's gonna happen she'll come around eventually but where will i be? literally, physically, mentally, figuratively. literally, hopefully i'll be better than this. hopefully i'll have a subject. there' that's better. i just put a comma in an apostrophe location.
"shot, where will you be put?"
"far, far away. far away from here."
the olympics. the roid fest. yes, get over it, people. people alter their bodies. bodies alter their people. this bodes well. for the future. that's an unnecessary clause to add. to wit, no i don't feel like it.
"are you done?"
"fuck, no!"
tim robbins wrote a novel where a major plotline was a spoon a something and a can of beans crossing the country. it was the most interesting part of the book.
war and peace. just started it. can't believe i've never read it. what a pleasure. to do: learn russian.
i need to fucking get a fuckin chinese book and read it. you can tell how serious i am by how frequently i say "fuckin". i have never read a chinese book. what the fuck is wrong with me? how the fuck do i expect to learn the language? actually, it seems to be happening despite me. i can read again all of a sudden. i was looking in a chinese dictionary randomly. i don't mean a chinese-english dictionary, i mean a chinese dictionary. and i could read it. i mean, i used to could read, but i haven't been able to lately. i guess my brain turned back on.
girls girls girls. do i wanna fuck bai yun? yes. does she wanna fuck me? yes. how can you not wanna fuck a girl named white cloud? is it gonna happen? nope.
how'm i doing, literally. i literally want to fuck bai yun. and her friend alice. she's got these thick lips and this thick ass that's just like her lips soft and swollen oh my god. and alice looks good in tight pants and she smiles she's a montessori teacher that's hot. literally, i'm going down the tubes. literally. i have made it my own. i'm going down the fallopian tubes. man born of woman. i wish . . .
