that's my mama

i've got an idea. let's see if i can not write. yeah i was lying there going "i'm not a writer. who'm i kidding?" and i was like i know! i'll see how long i can not write. so whaddyouthink? i immediately wanted to write about that. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! i'm a writer! what the fuck who wants to be a writer.

it's not good for you it's not good for your life everybody thinks you're a lazy slut. i may be a slut, but i'm not lazy. i'm not even a slut. i never get laid. i'm such a fuckin pussy. i'm like "oh no! i don't want to get laid! it's not nice!" fuckin fuck everybody wants to fuck and it's the job of the male to initiate the action. that's how the species works.

fuck fuck fuck i already did that. i wrote a book about it. oh yeah it turned into a disgusting love story. or two. something like that. yeah so then i said no more fucking and i went to china and i didn't fuck anyone and i came back and i fucked nadia. i should keep careful track of names to preserve the illusion of reality but i don't cause i'm messy. i like it messy. i like it stinky and sloppy with fluids and animal parts animal parts?

everytime i think about fuckin someone i get this pain in my neck cause nadia got these hooks in me she makes me think she owes me she i worry i donwanna hurter.

i don wanna fuck somebody else some other body and have to tell her about it we talk on the phone. why do we talk on the phone because we are emotional masochists it's completely insane she reeds my book she's greedy for people sayin shit about her. why can't i write better?

she especially likes the writing about her that is not particularly complimentary. not particularly compli she likes the not particularly complimentary.

if they're not being nice then you know they're being honest.

are you crazy?

are you?

this is the last chance in this reality this is your last chance in this physical world you cannot go back enjoy it while it lasts you cannot go back.

"where are the children now?"

"they live with their mother."

you can't write that you have to steal it. she's a writer. yes, she is she writes poems. and plays she's got a name.

busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy.

hi mom. no.

the white buffalo chased me so i hid in the tire.

eat it.

you only get one chance.

the leaves are falling.

why sleep no sleep no. sleeping tom green is an innovator does anyone remember andy kaufmannnnn? n? n-y-one?

you didn't think of that i thought of that.

which one do i fuck? both of them? all three? yes this feels nice i'm good at writing i write i form the letters i am good at it i write quickly i recently standardized my q's i write quickly and legibly it's what i do.

right about writing, i, write about writing. tom green on the tonight show hip-hop on the tonight show but tom green i love the way i form the letters i form them so nicely. he made frozen hamburgers in the microwave it was hilarious jay tried one it was still frozen. he said "it's still frozen!"

i laughed uncontrollably. i'm thinking about no i really could not stop laughing i couldn't. stop i went to the kitchen but i still could not retain my laughter into the kitchen i'm thinking about making everything poetry. i mean it is. part of it is making the letters nice.

who made up the cursive "r"? it's the most fucked-up letter ever. no one can do it. either they make it a little hump or they make it like an "i" without the dot. my r's tend to be little humps.

it's like a speech impediment. everybody has a speech impediment.

vewy nice to meet you. i'm making a clean break with china "r" after "b" is the weirdest. it's weird after "w" too but i guess i'm used to it. you gotta write something. actually i think i do it most right when i do it i do it most right when i do it i do it most, write when i do it. don't leave out the i.

yeah i like it
being crazy
i like it.

what am i supposed to do it's something 3 in the morning i ain't sleepin i ain't been sleepin at night i been sleepin mornings and afternoons. these lines are small.

i can't do it any more i can't do it anymore i can't what are you afraid of? things should be good. maybe i'm just conscious of more bad let me explain i red this book---the mindbody connection by james sarno he's a medical doctor and it turns out that that debilitating pain i had in my neck and shoulder was the result of repressed unconscious emotions. actually it was part of the repressing. focusing on the body distracts the mind from what it doesn't want to know about. what it doesn't want to face. yeah, freud. so i

she broke up with her boyfriend eve broke up with her boyfriend that's hilarious. i come to town and she breaks up with her boyfriend. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me.

life . . . who are you what is their perception? there's you and the perception of you. i wrote a book and now everything's fucked up. i don't care if the names change i don't care i'm not gonna go back and edit. it's all a time spiral anyway.

this is fiction i descend into fiction nadia doesn't want me to see what's her name? claire? that's terrible if i knew greek i could give her some name name her after some nymph not the goddess of the moon. nadia's the one who loves me.

nadia. it's nice to say nadia. it's nice to be in fantasy. it's nice to not hurt people's feelings. the only way to not hurt feelings is no more fucking. no more fucking, i feebly say.

enfeebled, my resistance knows no logic. i merely have a dull inertia to steer me on my proper course. i hope the path is straight.

i am a warrior. all women are for me. that's the proper answer, right? the male sex drive is cheered along its way? all is forgiven to the one who fell to passion. demure and get no sympathy though actions may be right.

there is no right and wrong there is only what you do.

why do i torture myself? i write, it makes me think and then i don't feel like writing. think and feel think and feel think and feel think and feel. i keep trying to get out but they keep pulling me back in.

i was just about to go on a self-loathing rampage when my pen broke. there's something daunting about fiction free form writing all that lies before you is infinity. always lies before you is an endless stretch of nothing. the reader does no get this feeling. these words continue after every word is another until the end. but for the writer it's always only emptiness. the inexorable tide of emptiness. you keep trying to fight it but it always wins. it doesn't even notice you. chipping away, chipping away every day you chip away and cause no wound. poetry is nice cause it's a thing. you're done. how nice, you're done. and the structure provides a light into the void. and it's somethin i'm tryin a say because this is poetry but it's got that problem. and isn't that good enough? look, mom and dad, i can do something! i'm good at something and i do it! look, world! why so all resisting always fighting i can do it. let me do it. no i cannot let them let me do it. i do it.

and that's just it it's what i do and who are you you can't stop me you'll split in two and drink your coffee i'll leave you alone. haha that's a threat.

i'm merging dream and fantasy i'm merging into fantasy i like it better. it must be for me and it must be enough for me and fuck em all. that's it this is it fuck it. this is who i am i'm wired this way there's no way around it. and i like it.

and i don't like you tellin me what to do.

and i like beef stew but i don't like the jew the jew of malta i haven't red it only the opening speech by machiavel. i did read romeo and juliet we watched the movie the update of zefarelli starring claire and leo. claire is a leo they're always leos what is it with me and leos? yes i know i'm a leo rising yippe-hee-haw.

i'm still thinking too much. happy saturday there may be a baseball game on it may be red sox-yankees. fenway park. still haven't been. why's everything always gotta be about me. who else can it possible be about? this is one perspective this perspective all you get is one perspective i can pretend to write about you or someone else or something else but i'm all i'm ever writing about is me.

tie a bow on this one. and all i do is think still all i do is think at least when i write i think and write at least when i write i write and what do people see? no one sees me do what i do no one sees me all they see is lazy good-for-nothing why is my writing getting smaller? what is up with my neck? it's just pain. maybe i should do some falun gong and fix it up. there probly is a falun dafa group here here is where? it's philadelphia.

how is suhas? suhas how are you? how is everyone? i miss my friends. i don't have any friends. someone always goes too far. usually me. always me it's always me everything's always up to us honk honk it's all my fault.

wow. the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. watch that on a flight from hong kong to chicago in the middle of the night. watch that watch it watch it!

the sun has risen. we helped it. we're over the north pacific where the latitude of seattle and the longitude of juneau intersect. we have gone 6027 miles. alexander pope.

for if, in the course of time, commonplace and impersonal ideas are automatically reinforced while unusual ideas fade away, so that almost everyone, with a mechanical certainty, is bound to become increasingly mediocre, this explains why, despite the thousandfold possibilities available to everyone, the average human being is in fact average.

---the man without qualities, p 121

fuck you fuck you it's all so relative are you writing in the dark i hadn't even started why not turn it on there's no excuse that's no excuse for anything everything there's nothing.

i'm writing in the room next to the room it's only poetry it's only ever poetry but i'm too lazy to put in into lines. no there's too much there's so much my poems are so big the scope of my projects is so big they look like novels. my poems look llike novels. i'm so weird my novels look like poems. i mean my novels are poems. what look like novels are mpoems. what does it look like.

i can't be me who am i i don't know. i'm bursting with i don't know who i am and it's consuming making me insane i'm already insane reality won't cooperate. we create our own if i created this why does it suck it doesn't suck so much what's lunch it's green and mush.

there's something in my neck in vertebrae there's paisley in my vertebrae. spinning a spiraling around together like yin and yang viridiana finally gave up. so what he's dead. i don't want to tell you. i'm not gonna tell you i'm not saying anything i was green and pink. can you dig it i'm so brilliant i'm so good i'm driving you away in total harmony with the moment i'm chris benoit i'm so good at making you hate me you hate me even though i'm trying.

i'm using this pen and i feel better. i'm sick of the man without qualities i hate it for some reason there's something i hate about it i feel like it's putting me in a cage it's building around me. if i grow i will expand into the bars and press against them and ooze disease.

and everything is fine no one is freaking out from me i've caused no freaking out just love it's only love going on my right leg is spasming.

there is i there is only i and i are we and that is love. papermate is back that was papermate but this is right, brothers this is the wright brothers this is the one that will fly. and i will get up and i will spread my wings and i will soar they will be wings of joy the will be wings of beams of joy shining onto you and you and you and everyone. you are everything and everything is you.

my sister is married. it's something we can do in this world society it is a right. we have the power to get married why not? the only one who's good to me is nadia back to nadia despite her tiny weakness. it makes my tiny. her weakness makes my tiny. i used "real" names for a while but that was stewpid i write reality not fiction. i'm tired of making sense i tire of it there's no sense to make actually there's no sense to make. you're the one making sense all the time. you just keep going around making sense all the time it's you're the one. who does it?

when is this written all the time what is the state the state of mind who is the author it's a poem not your mind. it's in your mind i don't mind oh yes you do. you mind. i mind you. i mined and mined and gold poured out black gold and it got you all oily. if you gave out all your oil wells you'd be poor.

what are you gonna do when you're poor, huh? you got nothin. nothin you got nothin. nothin but noodles. and then they coalesce into form. noodles become brains like brain coral. thoughts come out cause that's what brains are for. how can we think if we don't have brains. i didn't write this.

i don't brush my teeth sometimes. they're all used to this exhuberant, happy me i don't wanna be i don't wanna be me. i gotta be me but i don't wanna. time to eat.

settle into what feels right
don't take it easy take it hard
my neck is killing me
i try to relax
soon it will be time for action

why do i write in this pose i lie on my side left foot in the air against right knee left hand propping head with a pillow under my ribcage and the paper diagonally out so i have to extend my arm to write. my write arm.

i'm on a plane yeah yeah i can't complain yeah yeah i'm on a plane yeah yeah i can't complain yeah yeah the old people next to me are very nice. i'm in the aisle i wish i was in the window but beggars can't be choosers. you can't look a gift horse in the mouth. the sun even shines on a dog's ass sometimes.

donna loves the southern expressions. donna loves me. everybody loves me. i love everybody. william is the manager of the traveller's hostel at the chungking mansions in hong kong. he didn't expect to see me again. at least not for a while.

"i'm headin back."

"when are you leaving?"

"tomorrow."

"why are you going?"

"i'm sick of being a foreigner."

we have this repartee. he makes fun of me i make fun of him. or i help him. he's calling me "uncle julien". our antics amuse the guests. especially hiroki, the japanese guy. you couldn't guess from the name that's why i had to spell it out for you. after a while we go to a japanese resaurant. it's fuckin good maybe i'll get the name for you. it's dark on the plane that's when people sleep but the day i mean the night won't last very long because we're headed east. i like heading west during sunset, because it's magic time for hours. but i repeat myself.

gabe comes with us at this point we don't know yet that he's a harvard grad. i ask him what he likes he says russian literature i say wow! and i gush about war and peace. we had this rice noodle cheese stuff. more like rice candy. fried cheese. half cheese half rice candy. two-thirds cheese. it was delicious. also we had this thing with a name and it's like japanese pizza but it's just in the shape of pizza and it's really good like pizza but there's no cheese there's there's cabbage. actually, it tastes amazingly like pizza for how unlike pizza it is. and we had sukiyaki. which is raw meat that you cook at the table. kind of a cross between fondue and korean barbecue. no you cook it all at once. and it has veggies like carrots and cabbage and onions. the sauce is soy sauce with sugar. it's delicious. and other stuff.

we go back to the hotel we get some beers i ask gabe where he went to college he says it really naturally william abstemious the rest of us go get more beer. we walk down to the harbor cans of pabst blue ribbon and some german beer we've never heard of the shit was on sale at teh 7-11 the ribbons had pull tabs.

sit by the harbor what do we talk about my grandfather fought in the war (world two) hiroki's grandfather built ships (world, too). gabe's grandfather was stationed at qingdao the beer is spelled tsingtao he didn't see combat he was seventeen.

where am i going we finished the beers and went back. gabe went to sleep. hiroki went to sleep. william and i smoked hash.

and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. and had a great time his most embarassing moment was when he was six on a class trip he got his feet wet and the teacher told him to take off his shoes so he did. then the teacher told him to take off his socks he didn't want to take off his socks for some reason and everyone was looking at him all the kids in his class. he cried. the whole class stared. i told him about the time in fifth grade when mrs. shelfer mistakenly red my name without the n instead of julien she said julie. i cried and pretended i was laughing so hard it made me cry. mrs shelfer was a great teacher no disrespect.

live it, write it, post it. once for you is three times for me. time for a massage i don't know shut up. also his father died when he was 8 years old. there's a baby crying chain reaction going on they get it from their parents. let me explain. they feel the energy of their parents exasperation boredom anxiety and reflect it give expression to it the only way they know how? by crying.

he massages my shoulders and chest, legs and feet. turn over back of shoulders neck and back. dim the lights. entire back and butt and legs hamstrings and calves. he's very good he's very very good.

turn over more shoulders chest and ribs. and stomach hips and quads and shins and feet the lights go off.

and from the bottom of the legs he slowly works on every muscle til he gets up to the thighs and then he works into the thighs he works the insides of the thighs first this side then the other side he has creative knee techniques he presses with his knee he spends a long time on my thighs he brushes incidentally my dick.

he brushes incidentally my dick.

he brushes incidentally my dick he spends a long time on my thighs the lights are off.

he spends a long time on my thighs he rests his arm against my dick he spends a long time on caresses tip of dick with fingertips.

he works my hips and stomach quads and groin he is in constant contact with my dick he nudges slowly changes its position frees it from behind my leg.

he knows my heart is beating fast my dick was caught behind my leg he nudges edges of his palms my dick around up to the front a bit caressing with his palms.

the cycle spins each moment could.

be.

the end to say a word would break the spell caressing dick he nudges front and up a long time works my thighs.

and up my hips and solar plexus and the pants unclasp and zip down and he holds it in his hands.

the people next to me want to know what i'm doing i'm writing what a report a book. friendly people air force meteorologist then high school chem and physics teacher now retired and wife. they took a 21-day tour around the mainland saw all the sights beijing xian shanghai etc and interestingly a kung fu academy an orphanage and various people's homes. lots of people on this plane are bringing home adopted children. we've crossed the international date line. it's thursday again.

thursday night he held my dick caressed it i relaxed and floated so relaxed with healthy arteries dilated. pumping vigorously floating drifting on a cloud and raindrops hit my dick the tip is wet it's in his mouth.

his lips around the head first in a kiss saliva mixes natural fluid lubricates it's in his mouth. and he brings me to the edge and then he stops and then he starts and then he brings me to the edge his tongue is rough it's like a cat's. and we embrace and gently sad he is alone he has no family to give love when he is down he is alone. he clutches tightly with desire and loneliness in love we hold eachother he would kiss me if i would i wouldn't. each time i hold his dick and stroke he stops me holds my dick and strokes he is so innocent he really has no experience and he would kiss me i won't clutches tightly it's love sucks and strokes roll around touch and hold until finally i sit atop him his dick in my ass crack my back arched my dick is so big it's the monument france stole napoleon stole it from egypt this little chinese guy regards it sticks straight up he holds it with his little hands full of wonder and strokes it and i spread my legs and he strokes lift my ass and he strokes put it down press it down on his cavernous tissue it's hard but it's soft and he strokes and my back with my palms on the bed and it's building i feel it his shaft on my ass and it's growing the feeling he strokes and i know and i grow ever higher and flow ever skyer and throw every feeling away they come back mixed together and everything's everything bodies are love and spread arched pressed straight up straight i shoot. drops fall, on either side of his pillow. a spasm and a shot right in his face and he leans forward and sucks out the rest sucks it out we embrace.

and i'm back in the muslim restaurant. i like a place where i can write. obviously. it's august 26, 2004. the kid is crying and berated.

today i go to hong kong. tomorrow i go home. home is washington, dc. our nation's capital. i think it's corporal punishment. punishment of the body. not to be confused with capital punishment. punishment of the finances. yeah i was watching china business news today and i started to think that economics is interesting. time to eat.

-------------------------

and i am on the train. this is a pretty good system act while acting write while not acting takes away the time for thinking course the thoughts are sneaky they get in there anyway. but i'm expanding my consciousness do you get it every thought must be shared every thought with every one. with every thought i share. thoughts i share thoughts. it is part of the process. i am a warrior. we are at war. the enemy? thoughts. but also not the enemy they provide the motivation for this art i share with you. they move through me to you you threw yihou jiu do.

after you are through you do. you are due. the seat across from me a girl text messages her phone now she regards me she is finished and she's messing with her purse. i may have someone sitting next to me in which case i will have to move my things but we shall see.

i'm flying home. tomorrow flying home united is the carrier i must print out the ticket what do you want, news? detailed details? what do you want?

...

what do you got?

and then i turn to take a break but people try not to make eye contact people hate to make eye contact in this country or maybe it's just me. i miss jenny. i'm guessing the feeling will pass and diana made a very good move in the baseball league surprising the hell out of me very good very impressive i thought she was done i'm not allowed to talk to her about the league i don't know why i just don't understand all i know is don't talk about it but now the love is rekindled. maybe i'll change the names again. or maybe i won't. maybe fuck it all. fuck it all.

the train is moving now it isn't very steady it is difficult to write perhaps i'll have to take a break and wrestle with thoughts. they're fighting harder now because they're scared. i'm getting stronger. the stronger i get the harder they fight. i get tired sometimes but that's the key to fight without fighting. be as peaceful as the water. the surface ripples but the depths are still. there's a lake in eastern russia that is so deep it has a large percentage of the earth's fresh water. i gotta say iambs are the way to go maybe i'll write straight iambs from now on. except for that. no obviously that's ridiculous. but ridiculous is good. we like ridiculous beats the fuck out of boring. shit, what doesn't beat boring? stupid beats boring.

transitions transitions transitions. it's ok to write on a train one must flow lightly the flow is light you can use ob.

bloody bloody blood diana prefers pads she makes correct decisions except she's a slut. course if she weren't a slut she would never have gotten with me sluts and virgins that's what i get.

it's because i'm super-nice what no one understands is i am the alpha male. i'm secretly courting every woman i want every woman forever i don't want your pussy i don't want your heart i want your soul. i am the antichrist. and i smile and talk and make you laugh i'm nice and cute and so non-threatening maybe i wouldn't do it if it wasn't so fuckin easy who the fuck am i kidding of course i do it it's what i do it's so fuckin easy because i'm me and it's what i do.

so you are mine. you're all mine, ladies. my friends are uneasy when i talk to their girls cause they know i talk to them i connect in a way they can't you like it don't you ladies the way i talk to you.

you think about me. you think about dumping that schlub for an upgrade. it's running through your head i can see it i can see it running through your head. you love him but you belong to me. yes. you are mine and there's nothing you can do about it.

so she's fucking this biologist they play go together she thinks of me. i am the alpha male i suppose i'll have to go fuck her. it's love. or something. i've always hated jealousy but maybe i'll just have to run with it. use the fuel. increase the power. where are we going how can we know where we're going if we don't know where we are?

and donna's in canada. she will be tomorrow. she belongs to me. another one to check off the list. virgin. didn't fuck her. no more fucking.

women cover their pussies when they see me cause they fear the giant spiked club iin my pants. it's involuntary they fear it but they want it. they can't stop thinking about it. in the female, fear is mixed with desire.

am i not beautiful? of course you are, baby. of course you are. women are most beautiful with their children. great with child the woman is great with child the woman is great.

air conditioning everywhere conditioning the chinese keep it cold. i can't shake the feeling that we're pumping our air full of chemicals i'm sure medicine in 50 years will laugh at what we do. assuming we're still alive.

i think i could learn cantonese. i'm starting to get a feel for it. i probly never will, though. when i was first in college i used to make big plans one for each major all the classes i would take of course i would be a motherfucker. i slowly had to let them go as i did nothing watch them fall by the wayside bye bye all gone a tale told by an idiot.

i'm tired i haven't had my afternoon nap i'm gonna fuck diana hall when i get home that's my mo i suppose go somewhere come back fuck diana hall. my mojo gets crossed up overseas i don't wanna be the mysterious stranger with whom you have a moment of weakness. i want your soul (i said that before). almost there. shenzhen. then action. i'll take jealousy and turn it into fucking. and then what? is that all i got? it's pathetic. pathetic. i'm pathetic.

and off train walk walk walk china customs walk walk hong kong entry customs walk walk purchase subway ticket walk walk wait for subway go.

it's not really a subway it's a commuter train. hong kong is a city that's really packed together and a bundh of land with nothing. the commuter train goes through the nothing connecting the city with shenzhen, which i guess is a city. something smells like fresh mint. this old dude next to me is sniffing this thing with holes in it. it's black and plastic.

hong kong. my favorite place. i get to see william. i think i'll invite him to breakfast. in the morning. before my flight. lots of writing on the flight that's when the thinking occurs. that's the thing. in the middle of the action, there's no thinking. the holy grail is to write every moment write every action but then there's no action it's beautiful it's beautiful in its impossibility.

it's not on this train the weather report said it would rain here this mint smell is freaky.

you know you could follow the rules because you believe in them or how bout just following the rules when it doesn't make much difference. i was at wrigley field and my row was conveniently located so that every person and their brother tried to go through my row they wanted me to stand up. you can't do this little thing for me they said every 30 seconds and after a while the usher started helping me no you can't go through there but when the big fat guy came up he was let through he was a cop.

i like cops. they're my favorite.

we used to motivate the people by not letting them have anything. now we're trying this luxuries/spending thing it's working out pretty well as long as they use that credit card. keep the people busy. don't let them find out. don't let them find out. heavens no! lest they should find out.

GIANTS: shinnosuke abe (catcher)
hiroki kokubo
______ takahashi
______ kiyohara

tigers: ______ kanemoto
kei igawa (pitcher)
_____ akahoshi
fujimoto.

i love it!!

i grew up with dave letterman, but i haven't seen him in years. he's on tv now, so i can comment on how he's changed. or not. he's become a dirty old man. i can see why i haven't watched him. he's no longer quirky, he's established. but he reminds me of home.

now it's time for "china news express." the music is taht of a film from the 50's. it's in chinese. god dammit. i'm sick of chinese. what am i gonna do? everything sucks. everything sucks. what am i gonna do?

united

12:40 fri hongkong

print out

write down record locator (bottom) in case something happens.

fri
6 am
6:30
7:15
4:30

i'm sleeping at 6:30 in the evening and the phone rings. it's jenny. i wrote her a letter telling her i'm leaving. and, i don't know, i supppose she doesn't want me to leave. she asked me why; i told her i'm sick of being alone being a foreigner. she asked other questions. where are you going when are you leaving what about your apartment. i don't know she never tells me anything about what she's feeling. if she were with me, i would stay. i would then have someone to share with which to share with which to share. with whom to share. and, lying there, i realized. it's not donna or eve or diana or anyone else i want it's jenny. it's not china, it's the fact that jenny isn't with me. i wrote her a letter from kunming and said "i can't wait to see you." she mistakenly thought i was saying goodbye. she wrote back: why? why? it's the only clue i have that my feelings are returned.

so what do i do? do i search for her in the middle of the night again? do i try to tell her on the phone? do i go back to the states? will i be any better? am i fucked for life? here's the food.

i keep replaying in my head the last scene from an officer and a gentleman. but maybe if i came to her work and tried to carry her off i'd be arrested.

shit, life ain't a movie. it certainly ain't a chick flick. i mean, it would be a stylish move but i gotta think of something original.

what the hell does that mean? what is original anyway? you want the woman, you take the woman. do you want the woman? (splitting personality in 2 for dramatic effect.)

drum roll please . . . i don't know. i guess that means no. huh? i guess that means i go home. i'm standing here writing this on a trashcan. funny what a full stomach can do. clear up your thinking. clear away your thinking. i'm gonna go do internet.

these last few days i've been in a serious funk these last few weeks. i've been in a serious funk. i'm an alien in guangzhou. i can't get past they can't get past it and i can't get past that. i am the mother-raper, the father-stabber. the father-raper . . . father-raper sittin right next to you what do you do you stare. in fear. there is no love. i'm a meal ticket. it's a longshot but a long shot for citizenship. smile and look your best. case in point i write in a muslim restaurant the guy and the kid sit and watch. there's nothing else to do. i'm the most interesting thing to happen today. the kid sings songs. it's nice. there's a nice breeze a nice night breeze the baby's crying. what is he writing who knows who knows.

this is my favorite place i'm a regular here i suppose i'm a regular. the food is cheap and good but greasy as fuck everything's greasy as fuck in this country whay fight it? i'm leaving i should make my last moments as pleasant as possible look at that look at that he's writing! i ordered one of the more expensive dishes i think i surprised everyone i'm usually a cheap bastard.

there are nice things her let's remember the good things. fuck it let's just be here here we are let's be here now. the food smells good. the people at the next table are talking about the white person. they have no idea it never enters their mind that i can speak their language here's the food.

it's fuckin delicious here's the rice i'm gonna enjoy this.

i ordered some fried onion bread to eat the last bit with i'm taking a break. the little girl is watching me red shirt pink pants sandals the boss is watching he asked me they're talking i can't write and talk.

that was great i'm home now italy v. cuba the hottest mamas are in the finals volleyball cuba changed to shorts it's cool they're still hot. the hottest italian is piccinini the hottest cuban jesus how the hell am i supposed to figure that out. number 18 barros has a nice face and she can play number 8 has a great ass and she can hit! cuba took the first set.

at the restaurant that was great the staff came and ate with me. one guy is 20 the other 18 the boy is 14. we talked about whatever they're from qinghai the 18-year-old has been here 9 days. number 12 is light-skinned and tall she's super-hot damn number 11 when they go up gor a hit it's irresistable. what we talked about isn't the point the point is we talked and ate together it was brotherhood. exactly what i've been missing all this time. i got the numbers wrong it wasn't number 12 maybe it was number 6 number 12 is fuckin hot though. maybe the hottest on the team. which puts her high in the running for hottest worldwide. it wasn't number 6 either i don't know. who it was. maybe she's not on the court anymore. maybe it was number 13. this is great stuff i'm writin here. i think number 8 is my favorite. she fuckin hits the ball and she's got a beautiful face and thick ass. i'm just gonna watch. italy takes the second set the pouting face of number 13 is irresistable. irresistible. irresistable. should be the latter. but you never know with this language. this language that is the best. i am gonna show you we are only scratching the surface tell me something wrong with it and i will show you a strength and a beauty like italians playing cubans.

a beauty like a chocolate-covered ice cream bar melted to the point of sliding off the stick melted just to that point and no more. eat now eat it first turn the stick so it stays and the moment has never been better.

me i sacrifice moments and share them with you it's uncertainty heisenberg's principle. you can't watch and participate at the same time i choose to watch and i give it to you. who. live. beyond. my vision the future i live. i don't live so i'll live i don't live. so i'll live. i don't live. so i live.

and now it's time. to enjoy these tall strong women with these big asses i love the way the italians scream when they score.

italy wins the third it was close. puccinini is fuckin hot they also have a number 9 who's pretty hot. and a number 8. it's a good day for number 8's. but the winning number has got to be 12. puccinini. i think the italians are gonna win they got the love they're always together huggin slappin hands smiling in eachother's eyes and italian girls hugging is hot. especially hot italian girls. all italian girls are hot. all women are the mother.

italian number 2 is hot as well she's serving. number 3 elisa togut is tall tall tall tall is hot. caterina cruciani is italian and hot she fell in love with me in paris she's from venice. i should go see her. cuba wins the fourth.

what a great match. cuba has the best asses. best cuban asses: #8, #18, #11. #11 is hot all around, much like #8. #12, also very nice. it's apparently now match point for cuba. is the fifth set only played to 15? that would be kind of weird. the italian women beat the us in water polo today with 2 seconds left that's it cuba wins it was weird it was like the american girl ignored the ball at the end of the game and an italian picked it up pass score! the italian goalie was very good.

field hockey on channel 10. steeplechase in ten minutes. i love the steeplechase. you're tired as fuck from all that running and you gotta jump over these giant hurdles. and sometimes there's water! whoever made up the steeplechase was a genius. china wears these cute little skirts in field hockey. they're throwing something on channel 9. javelin. the khazakstanian is unhappy with his performance.

women's pole vault. women who can pole vault are hot. alejandra garcia of argentina cleared, screamed. here comes the steeplechase. 3 spaniards! 3 kenyans. one american, daniel lincoln. go daniel! he ain't got a chance.

and they're off. i can't stop writing because i think of my reader. and who is my reader? me. we are all one person. the first me to tell me was quantum and then i saw it everywhere. the clues are everywhere. the clues are everything. everywhere, everything is a clue.

did i write about the women's 5,000? i can't remember. they were all in a clump, extremely slow, for a lap and a half. then the chinese girls took off. after that it was a normal race. ethiopia finished first and third. kenya second.

kenyans are 1-2-3 right now. then qatar. then morocco. now a spaniard is fifth. qatar is in third. morocco back to fifth lincoln is seventh! the littlest kenyan is in front and he looks good. final lap. woo the spaniard closed in. the kenyans keep switching back and forth. it's a kenyan sweep! the dude woulda set an olympic record if he hadn't been blowing kisses. ezekiel kemboi. lincoln finished 11th.

blogger ate my post. does the writing drive the depression or the depression drive the writing? maybe both. a vicious cycle. it's swimming tonight and i've got a chocolate-coated ice cream and a snickers. my neck is killing me.

----------------------------

i'm right---here---in china and there's nothing to do here. where do i want to go? philadelphia. philadelphia's the first thing i wrote. it has eve. eve is in philadelphia. anna and i could make movies. i could work at the school with dan and eve. i could stay with anna and dan until i had enough money for a place.

philadelphia. there's also washington, dc with my folks that would be nice i like my folks i could halp my dad make money he's always wanted me to use my math on stocks. it wouldbe something we could do together. somehow i'm not feelin it. eve. eve is the reason. eve makes me wanna settle down.

everybody looks at me as they walk by. i look at them they look away. everybody looks at me they spit hock up a loogie that's what i think of you the men grab their women to protect them from my evil glance the women grab their children to protect them from my evil corrupting ways old women give me looks of disapproval we have a long way to go. we have a long way to go. we have a long way to go before we start getting along.

this guy is here and he doesn't want me to sit here. he would like the foreigner to move he's doing his job maybe he'll get a police officer this could be interesting but but but but but fuck it. i will go . . . somewhere. where will i go? i don't know. maybe i'll go to the bookstore. why not.

pow = how hard

hrp 23p 1bp => g/f

smash hits = hr, 23, 1b, depending on g/f
and outs.

then weak contact.

what percentage of singles are smash hits?

how hard and how fly?

hitter pow, pitcher pow, normal distribution

f(h,f) = (hrp,23p,1bp,oup)

obviously oup = 1 - hrp - 23p - 1bp

maybe weak contact = 1 - 2(hrp + 2(23p))

ie there is one line drive single for every 23.

smash hit % = x(hrp) + y(23p) + z(1bp)

hr
23
l1
w1
lo
wo

deep fly?


df ------>o ---->incl. high pop fly
--------->hr
--------->23

ld ------>23
--------->1b
--------->o

wc ------>1b (bloop, speed)
--------->o

depends on pow and angle 1/(g/f)

sl slap slp = slap %

angle depends on pow, hrp, 23p, 1bp

ideal hr/23 = 10pow ?

bonds 55 2xx pow = 250

35/20 .25

30 li

li indicates that (in regard to what it denotes), it will be advantageous to be firm and correct, and that thus there will be free course and success. let (its subject) also nourish (a docility like that of) the cow, and there will be good fortune.

1. the first 9, undivided, shows one ready to move with confused steps. but he treads at the same time reverently, and there will be no mistakes.

5. the fifth 6, divided, shows its subject as one with tears flowing in torrents, and groaning in sorrow. there will be good fortune.

6. the topmost 9, undivided, shows the king employing its subject in his punitive expeditions. achieving admirable (merit), he breaks (only) the chiefs (of the rebels). where his prisoners were not their associates, he does not punish. there will be no error.

31. hsien

hsien indicates that (on the fulfillment of the conditions implied in it), there will be free course and success. its advantageousness will depend on being firm and correct, (as) in marrying a young lady. there will be good fortune.

friday

i was gonna write the final score but forgot to. check the internet. there's no reason to learn facts anymore. the internet is an extension of the brain. it's a global, shared brain.

i have nothing to read. i have a desire for good literature. i'm not writing i'm thinking. fuck. think or not i have to write. shakespeare would be nice. that would be nice, if i had some shakespeare. i could buy one. a play. boodstores have don't have much but they do have william. i'm attached to the bevington edition, though. i don't need it anymore. i know bill's style.

five o'clock and all's well. still no sleep. i have energy. it's nice to have energy. the canadian school really took it out of me. i sacrificed my health for money, much of which was not given to me. i have to let it go. from now on when people ask about it i'm gonna say "it didn't work out." they're not gonna make it. they keep trying to expand and expand and their teachers leave as soon as possible it's a house of cards it's gonna come down. i wish them well.

so yes nothing to read reed i'll have to write. it still feels forced to write "reed" instead of "read" maybe i'll drop it. or maybe i'll extend it maybe i'll spell phonetically more. i'll never completely settle my style that's my style always playin always experimenting. but it should be reworked. the spelling. actually maybe not. because the special feature about english is it's the borg it assimilates all else but if you standardize phonetics you reduce assimilation.

i said "america is rome" to pawil he said no because america must still ask europe for things still must negotiate with china but that's bullshit america does whatever it wants. anyway that's not even the point the point is where old rome did it militarily new rome does it economically. it's the same thing, really. just a level of abstraction: we keep raising levels of abstraction. more and more symbolic. less and less concrete. less touching with hands. more touching with words and computers and bank accounts. a bank is a store of arms. cash is the weapon. you stream it from your hands and annihilate all that lies before you. business is warfare. it takes money to make money.

these olympic basketball refs are idiots. they fall for every act, they're terrible with blocks and charges, and they never see the instigation, only the reaction. still, there's no reason the usa shouldn't win gold. tim duncan, allen iverson, stephon marbury, lamar odom, and shawn marion are running wild on australia. but they're only up by 1. sometimes the shots fall, sometimes they don't.

the shots are falling for australia. 67-65 they're up by 2.

now it's wade, jefferson, james, duncan, and marbury. 6 point run. 71-67. boozer not jefferson. lebron james is a motherfucker. 77-70. this game is over.

svetlana khorkina is a fuckin professional. she's a phenomenon. way taller and way older than any other olympian. she posed for russian playboy. i'd like to see it not because her body is hot---emile lepennee just stuck a landing on uneven parallel---but because her mind is hot. she gets up there and with absolutely no bullshit executes the most graceful moves you've ever seen. no wasted motion. only beauty. she floats. i wish my writing were that good.

maybe you're wondering how you can appreciate someone's mind by looking at playboy. you have much to learn.

little elena gomez flipped up on to the balance beam and flipped around like a little flip-bug. wang tiantian . . . these little girls are amazing.

commercial . . . china's men's basketball is getting whipped by argentina. yao ming is playing like a pussy. this international basketball shit is ridiculous. they need a normal court, with a normal lane.

back to the girls. little nicoleta daniela sofrone or whatever just nailed the bars.

here's carly patterson. she's really got a chance. at gold. also she's the hottest chick on the floor. graceful and confident on the bars.

zhang nan also not bad on the bars.

here's svetlana. chalking her hands. nonchalance. perhaps a little overconfident . . . wobble on a handstand---but she flies at such crazy angles with such mastery . . . step on the landing . . . 9.725.

every olympics you see new moves. courtney kupets, fine job.

alina kozish is on the beam. when they flip and turn sideways that fucks my shit up. oops. she fell on the landing.

allana slater on the floor. my favorite floor will always be mary lou in 84. it's definitely weird that they play music. 9.35.

little anna pavlova. beam. she's got a great name. what's in a name? grace. great routine. 9.65.

sofronie.

carly patterson. on the beam. i think she's great.

khorkina on the beam. solid.

stefani bisnipikou. wow. she is the tiniest little gymnast i've ever seen. but she's all business. this is great.

nicoleta had a quality beam, and anna pavlova on the floor. i like pavlova a lot. she had one particularly stunning tumbling pass.

after three it's patterson khorkina pavlova. my writing has been prophetic.

pavlova will vault. khorkina floor. patterson floor. here's zhang nan on the floor. she's 4th. good tumbles. good movements. second tumble: quality. she dances and spins. third tumble: not bad. quality performance: 9.6.

khorkina. she does difficult moves and she rips em off like a machete through the jungle 9.562. not her best.

kupets. lots of spirit. she stepped out once. whatever, she's great.

here's anna. anna and carly are shakin around tryna stay loose. ok here's nicoleta. on the floor. very nice second tumble. little wobble on a spin. graceful. nice finish.

ok here's anna on the vault. very nice.

carly. two hot tumbling passes with hot swing accompaniment. frenetic movements another great tumble. and a strong finish. she may have won it. pavlova didn't: 9.425.

9.712 that's it. carly patterson is now a household name. anna's crying. khorkina is smiling graciously.

little carly patterson is waving to the crowd. the new olympic champion. zhang nan is third. khorkina second.

america, russia, and china. three little girls representing the most powerful nations in the world. maybe russia's time has passed. but maybe it will rise again. we shall see. china, obviously, is getting stronger and stronger.

sometimes blogger's good to me and sometimes it fucks me. fuck. you can see why women don't like the term when applied to them. when they are the objects of application.

the application process is difficult you must look nice dress nice have lots of experience it all depends on who you know you know who you know who.

this paper is falling apart i can't keep sitting in front of a computer for hours trying to make blogger load. i don't know what i'm going to do. get out of this fuckin country i guess.

tuesday, august 17, 2004.

i'm gonna start dating everything correctly. it may or may not work. i've tried it before. but anyway it would be nice if the date on the blog corresponded to the date of the (fictional) event of which i write.

it's morning in hong kong. i'm at the chunking mansions. wong kar wai is proud of me. last night, i saw kim, here at the traveller's hostel, on the 16th floor. she talked too much at shantel's party.

i wanna fuck bai yun.

i been hangin out with jakub, from poland. a lawyer. earnest, sensitive guy. we happen to be going to guangzhou on the same day. so we'll travel together. he's meeting a friend. they'll stay with me. i can stay with jakub in warsaw. i would like to. he has a cold. he's still asleep. it's ten-thirty. he sneezed. i think he's waking up.

today i get my visa. i fuckin hope so. yes.

the guy that runs the place is william. early 30's but won't say how old he is. jakub is awake. maybe late 30's. he's here now. he gave me a processed angel-food cake. layer of cream. i'm william's favorite.

he's a masseur. he's very good. he wants to fuck me. now the story gets interesting.

william has trouble being serious. he's seen and heard everything before, and he's tired of it. so he doesn't wanna listen to anything you say. also there is deep pain or regret hiding somewhere, which he masks by acting like a clown. he was hurt by someone close to him when he was young.

so i ask him where i can get good food. he laughs makes a joke he's very funny. he's good at what he does. i know it won't get me anywhere but i ask him what's the best indian restaurant in chungking mansions. ha ha ha.

chunking mansions is a 16-story labrynth of hotels, apartments, shops, and restaurants. most of the restaurants are indian. also there are pakistani and nepalese, et al. there are 5 elevator shafts, each with a pair of elevators. no two elevators go to the same place. the ones that are next to eachother only stop at every other floor. only 5 people can ride at a time. the place is a fuckin zoo. giant lines develop at the elevators, maintained by security guards. the stairways are stained with blood.

it is in the center of chaos. madness spirals out into neon-plated kowloon. you're seen the pictures. the first four floors of every building are shops and restaurants. and two levels of basement. space is at a premium.

so william walks in and says "you wanna get some lunch?" ok we go to a dim sum house it's fuckin delicious. jakub comes too. bitter melon shark fin soup tofu skin dumplings shrimp dumplings crispy fried noodles with ostrich and black bean sauce it's fuckin delicious. i said that already. jakub goes to the internet cafe. william and i are all of a sudden best friends we watch the sixth sense. lots of fun. later we get bread and meat and cheese from a deli and have a feast the meat is salami the cheese is edam and gouda the salami is hungarian and milano and we had foie gras. then we watched a terrible movie called the awakening starring robert deniro greg kinnear and rebecca romjin-stamos.

before dinner he gave me a massage total neck, back, shoulder and worked the legs some. totally professional and it felt amazingly good i have this chronic neck and shoulder pain which was completely relieved. we went down to the deli and i was floating.

after the movie he starts workin on my feet. reflexology. does both feet. turns me over does the back. turns me over does the front. turns me over does the legs . . . he goes all the way down the back, hips, butt, legs . . . it's a real massage it's not fondling maybe he gets off on it but i don't care my muscles haven't been this relieved ever.

back over to work on my front. at this point i'm feeling a little weird but i'm too relaxed to react because before he turned me over we were talking about almodovar and he tells me about talk to her where the doctor or somebody rapes the woman in a coma and that was my clue but this massage is helping me big time and i'm not thinking straight. he's massaging my shoulders and chest they do that it's called a full body massage and he's straddling me. he's working particularly hard on my shoulders it's a problem area for me and he sits on my lower stomach for a second. ok whatever then he moves to my ribs it's a very good massage but this time he sits on my crotch i mean right next to my dick. and he starts to press his ass into my pelvic bone as he works into my ribs all in rhythm and at this point i raise my hands. he gets off to his knees and keeps working i say i gotta take a break. so i don't know maybe he didn't realize maybe he just wanted to see if i wanted to fuck him i don't know i don't hold it against him we talked for a few hours about life and deep subjects he has lived in this life taken swigs from the cup you can do what you want and he knows it and here the story ends.

i keep planning to leave but not leaving. i was gonna bring paper on which to write but fuck it i'm just gonna write. i'm hungry. that's the main reason to leave. also i need socks. but i don't need socks until i leave. aaaaaaaaaaah! aaaaaaaaaaah! leave.

yeah i'm staying at the glorious chung king mansion ain't it the best. right in the heart of madness. i like to be in the heart of madness. there's a cute french girl what the fuck am i talking about swiss named marie but i don't wanna fuck her. girls don't know how to act if you're nice to them and don't wanna fuck em. i don't have time for that shit.

the problem is girls find that when they like someone and are nice to them they end up having sex.

it's a thorny problem. having been buffeted and thrown about the ship retreats to harbor, thereafter taking short day trips, never losing sight of the coastline.

at this point in my notebook is a diagram depicting the polish revolt against the germans at warsaw. 1944.08.01 and 1944.10.05 are important dates. there is also a diagram of the neighborhoods of chicago. i met a polish guy. that's what we talked about.

and waduyuno it's friday the thirteenth. it's 3:10 in the afternoon i haven't slept in 29 hours i was supposed to be home by now, comfortably asleep with pleasant dreams about my new one-year chinese visa. instead i ran around all day crossing back and forth on ferries trying to figure out what the HELL is going on and i am now getting a one-month visa for which i have to wait till tuesday. and it costs $350 HKD. i will my fate. so it's hong kong holiday yeehaw i had a steak for lunch a steak that bad never tasted so good. it was actually fine. oh and i did doze a bit at the harbor last night. as soon as this is over i'm getting a bed at the chungking mansions. i'm going to say "i would like a bed." i have to call a man. she's probly worried sick, and i have to send my real mom an email. they better not give me any shit at the guesthouse (about my lack of passport.)

so what happened? i took the 7:30 ferry to wanchai (neighborhood of hong kong island) and made sure to find the visa office. i wanted to be there when it opened. i had a bad breakfast at the happy fast-food house (in chinese the name has a ring), walked around, had a bad mango shake, and got in line 15 minutes before the nine o'clock opening. i was eighth or something. a nice muslim told me all i need is a picture, my passport, and money, so i'm doing great. everything is proceeding swimmingly. i'm gonna drop this shit off, pick it up in a few hours, go home, and go to sleep.

we go in. the guy says oh no you can't get a one-year visa the best you can do is a month. mr arabic (at first i thought he was russian) says oh just go to a travel agent. back to the ferry. get a newspaper. walk across town trying to find a travel agent that a)does visas and b)isn't a rip-off. finally find one on the east side. oh. we can't do us passports. fuck fuck fuck what the fuck! i get different stories from every motherfucking body. collapsing from heat and exhaustion i decide to go to the us consulate to see if anybody knows what the fuck is going on. that was a waste of time. i rest in a park for a minute to mull over my possibilities. i am barely conscious. i decide to check out another travel agent. i took a ferry on my way to the consulate so i'm back on the island, but in a different place. i walk to wanchai. damn it's hot. i get to the street it's on and realize it's on the other end. i see the steak. game over.

the us fucked with chinese visas and china got us back. they're vindictive motherfuckers. but fuck this bullshit. i am not going to hong kong every month for 3-5 days. that is fuckin ridiculous. fuck it. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i take it one day at a time. the rate of people at the windows is much faster than the rate at which the numbers change. there's my number. i pick it up tuesday. $390 HKD.

the morning star has told us where
the sun will rise as ships move in
and out of hong kong harbor day
has dawned it's magic time

appropriately i sit on
the avenue of stars i know so little of these such important people.

i see the locals walk and put their hands inside the hands along the walk imagining the feeling being them.

imagine if you could imagine fame contained in those you can't imagine that's just it you can't imagine it.

but still we eat the food and it tastes strange the language can't convey our feelings faces are expressionless we take offense when none is meant as far as we have gone that's where we are but still we try.

sometimes we make it all the way we share a feeling there it is we take a bite god damn that's good and we have broken for an instant we have hope to break again that boundary strange so out of reach that watches as we strain and strive sits mocking us but we will beat it we will overcome through force of will and love will show there is no strange there is no strange we all are all in all is love we are in love.

michelle yeoh
wong kar wai
jet li
chow yun fat
tsui hark
jackie chan
sammo hung

ok here's what we're gonna do: i got all this shit i wrote all over these notebooks and i'm gonna put it here. i've been dating it recently but there's a bunch of shit i didn't date so that's all gonna be october 1st.

other shit goes on death has not touched us.

this message was written november 15th.