Friday, October 01, 2004
all
she broke up with her boyfriend eve broke up with her boyfriend that's hilarious. i come to town and she breaks up with her boyfriend. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me.
life . . . who are you what is their perception? there's you and the perception of you. i wrote a book and now everything's fucked up. i don't care if the names change i don't care i'm not gonna go back and edit. it's all a time spiral anyway.
this is fiction i descend into fiction nadia doesn't want me to see what's her name? claire? that's terrible if i knew greek i could give her some name name her after some nymph not the goddess of the moon. nadia's the one who loves me.
nadia. it's nice to say nadia. it's nice to be in fantasy. it's nice to not hurt people's feelings. the only way to not hurt feelings is no more fucking. no more fucking, i feebly say.
enfeebled, my resistance knows no logic. i merely have a dull inertia to steer me on my proper course. i hope the path is straight.
i am a warrior. all women are for me. that's the proper answer, right? the male sex drive is cheered along its way? all is forgiven to the one who fell to passion. demure and get no sympathy though actions may be right.
there is no right and wrong there is only what you do.
why do i torture myself? i write, it makes me think and then i don't feel like writing. think and feel think and feel think and feel think and feel. i keep trying to get out but they keep pulling me back in.
i was just about to go on a self-loathing rampage when my pen broke. there's something daunting about fiction free form writing all that lies before you is infinity. always lies before you is an endless stretch of nothing. the reader does no get this feeling. these words continue after every word is another until the end. but for the writer it's always only emptiness. the inexorable tide of emptiness. you keep trying to fight it but it always wins. it doesn't even notice you. chipping away, chipping away every day you chip away and cause no wound. poetry is nice cause it's a thing. you're done. how nice, you're done. and the structure provides a light into the void. and it's somethin i'm tryin a say because this is poetry but it's got that problem. and isn't that good enough? look, mom and dad, i can do something! i'm good at something and i do it! look, world! why so all resisting always fighting i can do it. let me do it. no i cannot let them let me do it. i do it.
and that's just it it's what i do and who are you you can't stop me you'll split in two and drink your coffee i'll leave you alone. haha that's a threat.
i'm merging dream and fantasy i'm merging into fantasy i like it better. it must be for me and it must be enough for me and fuck em all. that's it this is it fuck it. this is who i am i'm wired this way there's no way around it. and i like it.
and i don't like you tellin me what to do.
and i like beef stew but i don't like the jew the jew of malta i haven't red it only the opening speech by machiavel. i did read romeo and juliet we watched the movie the update of zefarelli starring claire and leo. claire is a leo they're always leos what is it with me and leos? yes i know i'm a leo rising yippe-hee-haw.
i'm still thinking too much. happy saturday there may be a baseball game on it may be red sox-yankees. fenway park. still haven't been. why's everything always gotta be about me. who else can it possible be about? this is one perspective this perspective all you get is one perspective i can pretend to write about you or someone else or something else but i'm all i'm ever writing about is me.
tie a bow on this one. and all i do is think still all i do is think at least when i write i think and write at least when i write i write and what do people see? no one sees me do what i do no one sees me all they see is lazy good-for-nothing why is my writing getting smaller? what is up with my neck? it's just pain. maybe i should do some falun gong and fix it up. there probly is a falun dafa group here here is where? it's philadelphia.
how is suhas? suhas how are you? how is everyone? i miss my friends. i don't have any friends. someone always goes too far. usually me. always me it's always me everything's always up to us honk honk it's all my fault.
life . . . who are you what is their perception? there's you and the perception of you. i wrote a book and now everything's fucked up. i don't care if the names change i don't care i'm not gonna go back and edit. it's all a time spiral anyway.
this is fiction i descend into fiction nadia doesn't want me to see what's her name? claire? that's terrible if i knew greek i could give her some name name her after some nymph not the goddess of the moon. nadia's the one who loves me.
nadia. it's nice to say nadia. it's nice to be in fantasy. it's nice to not hurt people's feelings. the only way to not hurt feelings is no more fucking. no more fucking, i feebly say.
enfeebled, my resistance knows no logic. i merely have a dull inertia to steer me on my proper course. i hope the path is straight.
i am a warrior. all women are for me. that's the proper answer, right? the male sex drive is cheered along its way? all is forgiven to the one who fell to passion. demure and get no sympathy though actions may be right.
there is no right and wrong there is only what you do.
why do i torture myself? i write, it makes me think and then i don't feel like writing. think and feel think and feel think and feel think and feel. i keep trying to get out but they keep pulling me back in.
i was just about to go on a self-loathing rampage when my pen broke. there's something daunting about fiction free form writing all that lies before you is infinity. always lies before you is an endless stretch of nothing. the reader does no get this feeling. these words continue after every word is another until the end. but for the writer it's always only emptiness. the inexorable tide of emptiness. you keep trying to fight it but it always wins. it doesn't even notice you. chipping away, chipping away every day you chip away and cause no wound. poetry is nice cause it's a thing. you're done. how nice, you're done. and the structure provides a light into the void. and it's somethin i'm tryin a say because this is poetry but it's got that problem. and isn't that good enough? look, mom and dad, i can do something! i'm good at something and i do it! look, world! why so all resisting always fighting i can do it. let me do it. no i cannot let them let me do it. i do it.
and that's just it it's what i do and who are you you can't stop me you'll split in two and drink your coffee i'll leave you alone. haha that's a threat.
i'm merging dream and fantasy i'm merging into fantasy i like it better. it must be for me and it must be enough for me and fuck em all. that's it this is it fuck it. this is who i am i'm wired this way there's no way around it. and i like it.
and i don't like you tellin me what to do.
and i like beef stew but i don't like the jew the jew of malta i haven't red it only the opening speech by machiavel. i did read romeo and juliet we watched the movie the update of zefarelli starring claire and leo. claire is a leo they're always leos what is it with me and leos? yes i know i'm a leo rising yippe-hee-haw.
i'm still thinking too much. happy saturday there may be a baseball game on it may be red sox-yankees. fenway park. still haven't been. why's everything always gotta be about me. who else can it possible be about? this is one perspective this perspective all you get is one perspective i can pretend to write about you or someone else or something else but i'm all i'm ever writing about is me.
tie a bow on this one. and all i do is think still all i do is think at least when i write i think and write at least when i write i write and what do people see? no one sees me do what i do no one sees me all they see is lazy good-for-nothing why is my writing getting smaller? what is up with my neck? it's just pain. maybe i should do some falun gong and fix it up. there probly is a falun dafa group here here is where? it's philadelphia.
how is suhas? suhas how are you? how is everyone? i miss my friends. i don't have any friends. someone always goes too far. usually me. always me it's always me everything's always up to us honk honk it's all my fault.
