that's my mama

my mind is flowing these kids can read i'm gonna teach them english i'm gonna make pattern sentences they're gonna repeat them they're gonna learn.

also i think about baseball:

conav:
current formula: 1/4 + 1/2pow
weak contact = 1/4
hard contact = 3/4

predictor should be pow + pow/x + 1/y

xbp should be 23p

home runs are the most constant

smash hits = (hr + 2/3(23) + 1/3(1b))/(ab - k)

deep flies and line drives

bloops and grounders

predictor for home runs on contact

give me the ball. ---cup, et al
here you go.
thank you.

can you open the window?
sure.
thanks.

do you have?

deep drive: 1/2 hit 1/2 out
line drive: 2/3 hit 1/3 out

(at this point there is a diagram consisting of a circle divided into 4 parts: deep drive, line drive, bloop, and grounder and two axes crossing through it: hard/weak and fb/gb.)

put the chair on the table
put the cup on the chair
put the chair under the table
put the cup under the chair
put the _____ in the cup
take the _____ out of the cup


---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
| (there are boxes here)
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------

this is a table --- this is a chair
--------this is a cup---------

the ______ is on the ________ ______ under _______

my name is _________.
nice to meet you. my name is _________.
nice to meet you.

(more boxes)

he is tall -------short

-------fat ---------thin
skinny

i am ___________ you are ___________
he is ___________ she is ___________
we are ___________ they are __________

am/are/is

______________ is happy/sad/angry

tired
busy
relaxed

what would you like?
i would like _________.

everything gets written down. i morosely tell myself i don't feel like it i don't feel like writing but that's just wallowing in self-pity. hanging on to the pain not letting it go not getting anywhere i'm writing too slow. what do you know? the canadian saga is over winnie won she screwed me i have to go to hong kong tomorrow or the next day to get a visa.

i don't wanna move. i don't wanna do anything. i want someone to be nice to me. i wish my mom would call. she's not that kind of mom, though not the don't worry honey everything will be allright kind of mom i've never been that kind of kid, though i've never let anyone comfort me i've never let anyone me depend on them. one time i broke down to jaimie i said "i don't think i'm gonna make it." it was true i didn't think i was gonna make it i was tired. i had a lot of work to do. she held me. women are the best. tenet #1 all women are the mother where's donna? i should call donna she wants me to call why don't i call? uncertainty? uncertainty about do i wanna fuck her? inability to let someone in let someone comfort me let someone be nice to me? i want to be nice to everyone but i don't let others be nice to me. usually when someone is nice it's because they want something. i'm a suspicious character. people are all the time seeing my hidden motives. i red my poem to donna and she was so moved so happy it was good it was a pure expression of love i'm glad i did it. i was gonna publish it but i tore it out and gave it to her because it's hers not yours it's for her it's a gift do you get it? no, she does. she'll keep it forever maybe it'll appear one day. after my death. after i get famous. you're famous when you're dead.

what if i call donna what are we gonna do what am i supposed to do? cry on her shoulder? i haven't touched her we don't touch. what's she gonna do come over here? for some reason that's a sensitive subject prob due to the uncertainty. what am i gonna do? i put on my pants to go out i was gonna buy cookies and chocolate ice cream or maybe smash meat but what am i gonna do i don't wanna eat that shit and there's no fresh bread anywhere in this city. give up on fresh bread. can't bake it no oven. could try other weird kinds of bread in the wok don't know what i'm doing but why not? maybe i'll just go home. where's home? i don't know. maybe i'll go to india. what a waste though to live here only two months after paying for 5? ultimately that cannot be the reason for the decision but there is a ridiculousness factor. i want to live on a farm in the south and have tea on the veranda in the afternoon tea not for the tea but for the cucumber sandwiches and i want feasts of turkey, lamb, and roast beef. pheasant---why not?---ham, sweet potatoes. mmm, sweet potatoes. i wanna kill somebody and eat good food. buttered rolls. i'm in agony! i'm creating agony for myself. what to do what to do what to do . . .

i write because i can't talk. i can't talk because i write. i drop the pen and it makes marks. i move the pen and reed it look at that! i reed it first then you i get to reed it first. fresh out of the oven! i want to go to any western country and eat bread and meat. they don't cook meat here they don't know how to cook meat they always cut it up. you have to cook it first to lock in the juices they don't know the first thing about meat. what's so special about chinese food? i at the moment can't figure it out. pork buns and dumplings, they got something there. grandma's spicy tofu . . . they do some things right. everything's bite-sized. i don't know if that's good or bad it's convenient. but then you don't get steak. they do have roast duck in beijing i hear it's nice. i had it in new york crispy style it was good.

what is it though that disinguishes? the food is obviously way different. everything in china is bathed in oil. and lots of msg. there are no sauces, really. all the flavor is put in the food when it's cooked. vinegar, soy sauce, oil, water, are always being tossed in the wok. high heat everything is scorched. i kind of want a plate of meat. but with what? rice? noodles? i'm so sick of rice i haven't even been eating that much of it i could go get some pork buns i love pork buns i wish i knew how to make chapatis. i suppose i better eat. i'm obviously hungry. i have spinach here and watermelon that's not gonna do it. it's like spinach. kind of. last night i cooked up some bitter green leaf with egg and the rice was brown and crispy on the edges which i love i had a feast. i have cucumbers, too. if only i had bread and mayonnaise they probly have mayonnaise at the friendship store i can't believe i'm jonesin for mayonnaise. anyway it's nine o'clock prospects for pork buns are dim but i'll find something. still tired not as crushing the rage today seems to have helped. we'll see.

i'll bring you with me. no need to be alone.

yes, that's it! i can't call donna because i'm afraid to be unhappy. i'm afraid to show my misfortune. why? is it for fear that i'll be rejected? fear that i'll be left alone i can be alone look! and i'm alone.

here on the corner on shui yin lu there's a couple of auto shops. almost 10 o'clock and they're bustlin away everyone's hustlin and bustlin tryna make a buck. it's sickening and it's beautiful. restaurants people sit outside the southern city comes alive at night. it's too hot in the day summer nights i love those southern summer nights i want to play basketball and go swimming i want to stay up all night and order pizza and play basketball to stay awake and eat the pizza and fall asleep in the dirt by the court. i want my body to stop hurting. it hurts when i write. i wonder if writing's the cause would i give up writing to stop hurting. i suppose not. that is inconceivable to you it is inconceivable to me to not write. yes, stare at me as you walk by i'm white and i'm writing on paper. can you belive it? can you fucking bellieve it? i should call donna. she loves me.

"you are a good horse."

"i hate to be good."

i don't want anything i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna do anything why did why did why did i lost my train of thought.

all alone. i'm all alone.

i'm so pathetic. but really what the fuck am i gonna do nobody's gonna take care of me and i don't want to either. marriage. i should get married. i tried.

maybe baseball will cheer my up. i'll go check box scores.

here's the secret there's all this crap all over the place all these game reports and opinion pieces but it's all crap it's all complete bullshit nobody knows anything. those that do aren't talkin. the only thing that's real is the box score. watching the game obviously but if you can't do that, the box score. it's the only pure information. it takes a minute to reed a box score. fifteen games fifteen minutes a day you know everything about baseball.

---------------------

now i'm in hong kong. i'm sitting here in kowloon park. it's nice to be in a city that has a park that you don't have to pay for. it's a quarter to eight. i would have thought it was later. everyone here is a couple. and i got no one. here i go again.

i'm here to get a visa. i may or may not have told you that my previous employer screwed me. if i run out of money i can always stay with a man and her family.

"no release of fish or terrapin into the pond." that's hilarious. i'm trying to decide whether to get a bed for the night. probably i will. at the good ole chungking mansion. the place is a labrynth. shops, guest houses, indian restaurants . . . you'd have to see it to believe it.

i thought this woman was alone like me until her boyfriend showed up. it's nice sitting in a park. i wish there were a park in guangzhou. that didn't cost money. and was anywhere near my place. i suppose i can always go hang out at the university. speaking of, i think i must get a university gig.

maybe i should abandon mandarin and go straight for cantonese. it doesn't seem to make sense though, when i'm so close to nailing it down. i gotta get going on this cantonese, though. these mosquitos are killing me. maybe i'm just imagining them.

hong kong is much richer than guangzhou. it oozes money. the women are dolled up. the men are slick and shiny. lots of indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis. i walked by a long-haired, goateed brown dude who said i couldn't figure it out "shee shee" or something until another guy just like him said "hashish" aha! they looked like people i would have hung out with in college.

what is this life here i am i'm in hong kong what am i gonna do? i guess i'm a teacher i got this teaching thing goin i don't know i don't know.

what am i gonna do wander around the rest of my life i think about america i don't have any desire to be there. except to watch baseball i miss baseball. there's these girls sittin over there lookin at me. i'm very interesting. very very interesting. i just want someone to hold and sit down with and say nice things to and walk next to and share life with. stare into eachother's eyes or laugh at nothing touch and play with as the case may be. i'm not picky. i'm not picky but i am very very picky. i don't wanna try again and fail. it can't be anyone from my past. i hope it's jenny.

donna donna donna. it could be donna for so many reasons but it's not gonna be.

jenny i just wish i could look at you once in a while i wish i could talk to you more than 15 minutes every two weeks i wish i want more i want more i want more i want more i'll take whatever you give. i'm gonna walk around now.

it's a pretty annoying park i guess there's limited space they do what they can with it. i'm talking about the city. the park is big. it has an aviary. i don't think i'm gonna need to sleep tonight. i can get a bed for five bucks so there's no reason not to but i might just maybe i'll sit by the harbor and watch the boats and watch the sunrise. i got bit in my foot through my sock am i hungry? kind of. i found a list of english phonemes at the bookstore of hong kong polytechnic university. i copied it down. what are the most common english words? i bet it's on the internet. maybe i'll go log on. there's a free internet place by the harbor. do i wanna eat first? i noticed a vegetarian indian place. maybe i'll just sit here awhile. and think of jenny.

what do i desire? i desire not to suffer. what else do i desire? judging by my actions, not much. i say i want to help people, to give to others, but it doesn't appear i mean i'm not really acting like it. i write. writing is a gift. but i'm not seeking out putting all my energy behind some education project or something. i keep thinking about quietly returning. but i never did anything! i could hang out in belize with uncle george. kick back and live away from life and learn to run the farm help out and sit on the porch in the evening and write. his kid greg's a smart little fucker. my age to his is similar to his dad's to mine. he probably looks up to me. he could spend summers with us and i could teach him stuff.

i have a year-long lease. do i have to respect it? no. i don't gotta do shit. what am i gonna do? i have no idea. am i gonna wait for jenny? tomorrow i have to get a visa and return to guangzhou and meet up with a man and make course materials for these girls that i'm teaching. i'm gonna be tired. i wanna make tapes for them to listen to that's the only way it's gonna work. really they need to listen at home to the tapes i make of the sentences i make this is the beginning of my english empire and come to class and i drill them. i am rather excited i'm excited about this i just wish i had more time. but that's always my story i always wish i had more time. tonight i'll plan the sentences i got a lot of em already i need to figure out what concepts are important i should look in a bookstore there's no need to think of it all myself the work has been done. my job is to synthesize. and refine. refine and synthesize. improve upon. creatively re-combine. my kung fu is the best.

i'm good at . . . chess/basketball
he/she playing the piano
we speaking english
you
they

i like to __________

i like to eat.
what do you like to eat?
cherries, pumpkins, lobster . . . everything!

let's go check out this indian restaurant.

-------------------

the indian restaurant was closed. there was another on the same block on the third floor which means fourth floor this is britain remember but their food was slilghtly expensive i should have eaten there anyway. now i'm sitting at the harbor, on some steps next to the cultural center the whole scene reminds me of sacre coeur i gotta say. people hang out on steps some have guitars there is alcohol. i don't think there will be bottle smashing that little foreign girl has a radiant smile. long brown hair and glasses i don't care if i stare thank you for your smile.

i feel terrible. i ate all these crappy chocolate-sesame biscuits and soda crackers why did i buy that shit?

the guy came and changed the gas meter i also bought these things that look like rice krispy treats but they are so not rice krispy treats. they taste like stale bread crumbs. and they have this nasty flavor which i noticed last night was meat flavor. so that was a mistake. i'm feeling more and more like the only thing i can eat is fruit. that's not healthy, though, right? i need protein, or something. my stomach is really unhappy.

i never run out of things to write. i may run out of interesting things, but i never run out of things.

4 am is a good time to write. right. what? watched another track meet the hottest chicks were the 200 m. sprinter chicks got the biggest booties. boodies. no, booties. i thought for a second no. let it go so i went to the corner to log on and i what the hell day is it did i lose a day? no, it's tuesday, right? yes. i may have to go to hong kong today. get a visa. it's a distinct possibility.

so the plan is to walk 500 meters not even but on the pedestrian overpass there's this little kid pickin pockets so i follow him for a while he's got two adults lookin out for him. lookin out for him. what am i supposed to do report him who am i to mess with the local economy. they don't like being followed so they stop after a while and let me pass. at one point the kid smiled at me. then he caught himself. i was close to my usual wang ba so i went there. i studied all the hot young shortstop prospects comin up. and i mean young. jorge cantu is 22. jose lopez is 21. bj upton is 20. jhonny peralta is 22 and he already started half of last year. he strikes out too much. so does upton, but the kids sometimes improve. the best of the bunch is lopez. patience, contact, and power. cantu makes contact and this year is his power breakout year but he can't take a pitch. some kids never learn (shawon dunston).

i jumped around just now tryina kill a mosquito. what i gotta do is wait for the bite. that is when they are most vulnerable. i know this but i flinch every time.

carlos hernandez v erik morales. great fight. carlos has heart, but erik is the much better fighter. he must have won just about every round. we've seen 8. it's the wbc/ibf championship in the 130 lb division. what is that, lightweight? i should find out. it's my weight class. furious finish to round 9. furious round the whole way. morales is so in control. here comes round 10. hernandez keeps comin and morales keeps hittin him. i'm just gonna watch. round 11 was a bloody mess. hernandez has gone 12 twice, losing both. he's about to lose his 3rd. they're standing here punching eachother. i don't know why morales doesn't run. he's got the fight won. it's over. morales has his arms in the air. we all know what the result will be. hernandez was a flurry of punches the whole time but morales just stood there and calmly dodged the calm before the storm and landed every punch. it's unanimous. morales. now 10-1 in 12 round decisions. 48-1 overall.

now it's laila ali v monica nunez. super middleweight iwbf championship. i think nunez is gonna win. 10 rounds. this is ridiculous. these girls are scared of getting hot. they're flinging their hands in the air with no hope of connecting. everything is aimed at the head. round 2 looks a little better. ali is the better fighter. this fight is really boring though. they're getting more tired jumping up and down than from punches. i find it hard to believe that there is ever a knockout. but ali has knocked out 14 of her 17 opponents, nunez 5 of 10.

are these really the best women's boxing has to offer? i find that hard to believe. it's certainly a much bigger moneymaker to have an ali as the champion. whoa they threw in the towel! i've never seen that. ali is pissed. i guess she wanted the knockout. nunez was just hugging at every opportunity. sucky boring fight.

what i was gonna say though is things are shifting. women are boxing. one day, women will be stronger than men. men will be the nurturers, women will be the providers. the species evolves.

it is easy to be honest about the past the past does not exist. what is difficult is to be honest about the present.

i am a man of letters.

i keep eating cookies. i eat too many, and get a horrible stomach-ache. i love those cookies.

oh yeah i was gonna say no more fear. no more weakness and no more fear. this time alone has been great for me. i had a productive month, which i feel good about. i don't care that people screwed me in the end. the cookie is so crisp and yielding. people screw eachother all the time. get over it. this is the first time in years i have had time to myself. spend all your energy. i did. now i am re-gaining super-gaining everything i lost and more. nothing is important. everything is beautiful. nothing is beautiful. everything is important. how can these things all be true. it's a simple trick of logic. grammar is logical, thus subject to limitations, but logic is powerful. use it. make it your tool. you are its master. not it you. that's enough cookies for now. nothing really is beautiful, though.

i feel compelled to know for real if i'm any good. of course i will only accept positive confirmation. i mean, confirmation in the affirmative. what would negative confirmation in the affirmative mean?

no, i know i'm good. every teacher i have ever had has said that. my college poetry teacher said "if you keep writing, you'll be in anthologies." i am brilliant and prolific. a virtuoso. all i desire now is to produce.

i used to desire alcohol, drugs, women. is that all? i watched many movies. i was a movie buff. film is the art of the day. now video. but writing is the art for me.

i have loved many lovers of literature. risha, diana. they see something in me. jameela tried to read lorca with me. she loved the image of a "cunt full of lilies." at the time i disdained it as petty seduction, but i must now admit it is good.

so many brilliant women. with talents i wouldn't have thought possible. who am i? someone who appreciates. and knows and does things that are completely mystifying.

i'm working at a slower pace today. i think that's good. i love tolstoy. at once and the same time i can't believe it took me the this long to find him, and i realize he would have been wasted on me in my youth. i pull my dick as i write.

yes i grab the skin atop the shaft and pull it up over the ridge at the base of the head. i miss my foreskin. i have no memory of it, but i miss it terribly. i have always wondered what it's like to be a writer. how is it that one writes books? you write, that's how. when i grow up i want to be an artist and an astronaut.

this is what mathematics stops short of saying: there are three objects: 0, 1, and infinity. oo*0 = 1. from which follows: 1/oo = 0, and 1/0 = oo. mathematics is afraid of the truth, and hides behind logic.

and now i want to marry donna.

who will it be
this lottery keeps turning in my mind
i find i want to live
i want to give eternity away

where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right

for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love

ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say

is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it

you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions

you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart

my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat

one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet

no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun

and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.

i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.

and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.

one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly.

who the hell do i think i am when there's leo tolstoy? every sentence is a piece of perfection you could write volumes about and they just keep comin. then there's the ones that stop you in you tracks:

as often happens in early youth, especially to one who leeds a lonely life, he felt an unaccountable tenderness for this young man and made up his mind that they would be friends.

i read it and cried. clutching the page, i drifted into sleep.

i'm sorry you felt like i wasn't working. the truth is, there has never been a time when i was doing less than 3 times as much work as you. usually it was more like ten times.

that's as it should be. i'm the one who figured out baseball. for the project to exist, i have to do the most work. i'm fine with that.

aziz, i appreciate everything you've done. i just don't see how we can move forward. and i'm the only one who knows where we're trying to go.

whoooooooo there's a hot mama in my building in my staircase. she talked to me. she held the door open for me. i don't wanna scare nobody so i was gonna let the door close and use my key it was dark i didn't knew she was hot.

she goes in but the door doesn't close. she's holding it.

"thank you."

i reach the door.

"thank you." our eyes meet and it's love it's instantaneous sexual attraction you don't know what love is i'm a deer in headlights. she turns.

"useless." that means you're welcome.

speechless i follow a few steps behind i usually bound up the steps but i don't wanna do nothin weird i don't wanna spoil the moment. maybe i can ask her what floor she lives on. nope, i don't. after 2 flights she says "you speak mandarin very well."

sometimes my mojo works! i say "how do you know? you've never talked with me."

struck by my wit, all she can say is "you speak very well."

"nonsense."

now's my chance: "what floor do you live on?"

"the eighth."

"wow, so high."

"you live here." how do you know? everybody knows. what else is there to talk about. that is one hot mama. prob mid-twenties. i wonder if she's married. i bet/hope not.

"goodbye."

"goodbye." in chinese goodbye is "meet again". i love this language.

it's entirely possible that i'll fuck a whole ton of chicks it only takes one to get the mojo workin.

i now reed war and peace.

---next morning---

i dreamt i was in the south: north florida or south georgia. it might as well have been tolstoy's russia, with the aristocracy, and the manners, and my friend kept putting his foot in his mouth talking politics with the mayor. we were on a road trip. three of us in two cars. i don't know why. i went back to sleep. i dreamt of the florida state university football team. i don't suppose i'll get to see their games in china. i'm gonna miss em. go, seminoles!

so long i can't believe how long it's been it's 5 o'clock i wear no shoes the light is out i cannot see, there's nothing on the ground to be afraid of everything is scoured by the people sleeping on the street.

no one's here it seems the cops have cleared the people there was quite a group of them they're off to somewhere else.

this is a filthy town i sit here in this patch of park where people sleep who have nowhere to go and lo! no one is waking up those who are up are still awake that's not quite true.

people pulling giant carts of stuff along the road the carts aren't big the packing is.

and venus smiles at me the moon has waned to gibbous waning makes more sense to me than waxing.

mosquitos bite sometimes i kill them.

across the street there is a place where i can get some porridge i'm not even using the right word i guess it's congee. porridge. gruel. i don't know. i'll have it with pork and egg and i'll eat it outside.

don't you see? that! is art that! is art that! is art. that woman picked up that piece of cardboard. this is a good pen.

the sun is rising but i can't see it over high-rises and expressways.

they took the tables inside i can't sit outside.

people stare at me.

i walk by a restaurant. a man grunts at me. i speak chinese, you know. if you want to talk to me, you can.

empty faces staring at me. motorcycles honk at me because if i ride with them they get money maybe a lot. cabs honk sometimes. this one flashed his lights. usually they at least slow down. this city is a dirty hole. it's like an armpit but it's more of a crotch. people look at me and expectorate.

where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right

for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love

ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say

is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it

you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions

you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart

my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat

one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet

no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun

and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.

i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.

and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.

one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly. the title of this chapter is one day.

reed reed reed; reed all day. the misspelling seems so artificial, but i can't stand sound ambiguity. of course i love all other ambiguity. my favorite member of the fantastic four is the thing. then they went and ruined everything with the she-hulk. she-hulk should have never existed.

i can't stop reeding war and peace. i'm addicted to it. i keep trying to recapture the feeling of that first time. i sip it slow, like fine wine, brandy, bourbon, scotch! bourbon or scotch? how can i decide? but i don't drink i bet i could enjoy a glass of good kentucky sour mash, or maybe courvoisier, what with all the reeding about napoleon.

napoleon was a great man. the french are right to celebrate him. i can't stand french people.

no, i love people. but someone had to be the french, and there they are. they're so sleazy! i suppose i feel about them the way the chinese feel about americans. isn't there more to it? ugh! ugh! ugh!

maybe i am in love with donna jensen. of course i'm in love with donna jensen. but am i crazy about her? i suppose not. i could influence myself in that direction. you know i've really never been crazy about anyone. i've always wanted to be, but never have been. i've always been in complete control. always. forever. even in my highest states of intoxication, from pain, fear, drugs . . . lust . . . i have never lost my head. i have never understood those who claim such phenomena.

i'm sure it happens.

what am i talking about? yes, donna jensen. is this lust again? i don't have to fuck her now. i can always pick her up later. i'd have to go see her. she's here, now. i could tell her in person. i would really like to fuck her. but i'm not gonna fuck up someone's life again. she's in love with chevi. what the fuck does that mean? he won't even fuck her. he's probably gay. people need their lives shaken up.

"donna jensen, you are mine," is all i'd have to say. she turns me on. yes, she turns me on. sex is important to me in a marriage. she's 21. for five days now. my mother was that young. why do i have to think about everything?

this is all rationalization of lust. my dick is controlling my mind. my choice is clear: act from lust, or do not act. but if i act from lust then there's also bai yun whose third and fourth letters are sitting unread in my inbox.

here i go again, about to make things complicated.

god dammit no more shame! no more weakness! fuck or don't fuck. but don't regret it.

-----

my pen ran out of ink. it was a good pen. usually i lose a pen before i use the ink. or it stops working. i wonder if i can find white-handled blue-ink papermate ball-point pens here. i'm pessimistic. this pen is not as good. it's fine. once we get to know eachother, we'll be fine.

i am in love with natasha rostov. i hate anatole kuragin. i want to save all the natasha rostovs from all the anatole kuragins.

i will not be an anatole kuragin! on the other hand, how do you save a natasha from an anatole except by letting it happen. letting her experience the heartbreak. we learn from our mistakes. but some mistakes take up a lifetime. that's ok. still, i will not be kuragin.

i'm sitting here reading this book afraid to turn the page. end of chapter 14 of book 8.

the answer is to educate young mamas so they know by age sixteen not to be so stupid as to believe a corrupt seducer. se-ductor. dishonorable rogue. rake, as leo puts it.

i would love some roast beef, and egg noodles, and a glass of wine. red. and fresh whole wheat bread, with butter. always the stomach that is most aware of homesickness. my grandfather knew what he was doing. i used to laugh at his english feasts in remote corners. now, yes now. and a vegetable. perhaps squash. broccoli. both. and carrots. onions. mushrooms. gravy.

here i go no shoes who cares i'm writing as i walk i breathe i live again!

nothing else to do might as well write something i'm at the corner of meihua lu and dongfeng lu. plum blossom and easit wind roads. nice names.

it looks like i quit my job. i guess i'm depressed about that. maybe i'm just tired. tired of all the bullshit. so much bullshit. don't let the bastards get you down. there's a police officer circling me. he has a stick. he picks it up and puts it down. he's so menacing.

i'm so tired. this is shit. the idea is to get that stick away from me you fuck face the idea is to write out the depression but i don't know it's so shitty and i'm so tired. the police officer is highly interested in my writing even though he can't read a word of it. i guess he's got nothing else to do. but it's bothering the fuck out of me. i don't like people with sticks. there he goes. no, he's back. his walkie talkie is annoying, too. i can't concentrate on how tired i am.

yes. look at me everyone. i'm so interesting. i'm white! can you believe it?! i'm tired and every day it hurts more and i'm tired of it hurting.

------

ok i feel better. i'm at my corner muslim restaurant and they treat you right. a heaping plate of beef fried noodles for 7 kuai. less than 1/100th of what i got stiffed out of yesterday.

yeah we're having lunch it's payday for me yeehaw party time and melody says you missed two hours so it'll be deducted from your pay. that's no problem i say will it be added to the next one after i make it up? bit of a communication issue but we got it sorted out the answer is no. ok how much exactly does 2 hours come to? 320 kuai. here's the thing: i get paid theoretically 8,000 a month but that doesn't start until the fifth month and that's only if i get the bonus which means all excellents which nobody gets. anyway, the first month i'm slated to make 5,500 but i had to pay for the body check which brought it down to 5,032. i work 25 hours a week but the hours are not contiguous so i gotta sit around and that doesn't count meetings, promotions, and class observations. but let's go with that your average month is 30 days that's 42/7 weeks that's 107 hours. i'm making less than 50 kuai an hour. that's the point sorry it took so long. i get less than 50 kuai an hour and they're docking me 160 an hour for the two hours i missed. why? because i didn't make them up before payday.

"melody, that is not acceptable."

"blah blah blah contract blah blah blah call when you're gonna be late blah blah blah i told you blah blah blah i'm covering my ass."

we take turns repeating our positions mine that is not acceptable hers fuck you after about the seventh time i get up and leave. i'm scheduled for work that afternoon but first i'm meeting donna at 12:15. it's 12:25.

here she is "i thought you forgot about me" not a chance "i'm sposed to have a meeting let's get out of here."

"are you sure?"

"yeah."

we go she's a good listener then we talk about other things. it's nice being with donna she's nice she makes me feel good i wish she were here right now.

2:30 rolls around. "you sould go to work."

"i'm not going to work i'm gonna go get paid and go home."

"are you sure?"

"yes."

i get on the bus to guangzhou maybe i'll quit maybe i won't no need to worry about it something will happen.

here we are canadian international hello tina i would like to get paid.

"you missed two hours, right?"

"that's right."

let's go to the cashier's office here we are at the cashier's office someone has informed the cashier that i missed four and a half hours. tina puts me on the phone with melody.

"hello melody."

"hello."

"why are we talking?"

"i don't know."

"tina, why am i talking to melody?"

"you missed 4 hours something something."

"it seems that i have now missed four and a half hours instead of 2."

blah blah blah contract blah blah blah did you tell anybody? blah blah blah i hang up the phone.

"four and a half hours will be just fine." i said it in chinese because no one in the room understands english.

great the calculations are made the funds are dispersed i get 5,032 kuai minus the 720 kuai penalty 4,312 kuai. four thousand three hundred twelve fuckin ren min bi for a month of work plus 4 days that is it i am out of here i am not doin that no more you can shove it up your ass.

there's a sign on the wall that says check your money so i'm checkin for watermarks and this guy comes in speakin chinese to the cashier "is this julien?"

"yes."

"winnie wants to talk to him."

"i'll get tina."

she leaves i finish checking my money i put it in my bag he laughs at my bag he's the first person to do that i speak chinese to him i go out of the room i go down the hall i press the button for the elevator i go down the stairs.

17 floors i don't care i got time i go out the building there's the back of tina and a couple other faithful employees i go the other way.

i walk a bit. i sit on the curb. busses pass. people stare. people point. people laugh. i don't care.