Monday, September 13, 2004
one day
it is easy to be honest about the past the past does not exist. what is difficult is to be honest about the present.
i am a man of letters.
i keep eating cookies. i eat too many, and get a horrible stomach-ache. i love those cookies.
oh yeah i was gonna say no more fear. no more weakness and no more fear. this time alone has been great for me. i had a productive month, which i feel good about. i don't care that people screwed me in the end. the cookie is so crisp and yielding. people screw eachother all the time. get over it. this is the first time in years i have had time to myself. spend all your energy. i did. now i am re-gaining super-gaining everything i lost and more. nothing is important. everything is beautiful. nothing is beautiful. everything is important. how can these things all be true. it's a simple trick of logic. grammar is logical, thus subject to limitations, but logic is powerful. use it. make it your tool. you are its master. not it you. that's enough cookies for now. nothing really is beautiful, though.
i feel compelled to know for real if i'm any good. of course i will only accept positive confirmation. i mean, confirmation in the affirmative. what would negative confirmation in the affirmative mean?
no, i know i'm good. every teacher i have ever had has said that. my college poetry teacher said "if you keep writing, you'll be in anthologies." i am brilliant and prolific. a virtuoso. all i desire now is to produce.
i used to desire alcohol, drugs, women. is that all? i watched many movies. i was a movie buff. film is the art of the day. now video. but writing is the art for me.
i have loved many lovers of literature. risha, diana. they see something in me. jameela tried to read lorca with me. she loved the image of a "cunt full of lilies." at the time i disdained it as petty seduction, but i must now admit it is good.
so many brilliant women. with talents i wouldn't have thought possible. who am i? someone who appreciates. and knows and does things that are completely mystifying.
i'm working at a slower pace today. i think that's good. i love tolstoy. at once and the same time i can't believe it took me the this long to find him, and i realize he would have been wasted on me in my youth. i pull my dick as i write.
yes i grab the skin atop the shaft and pull it up over the ridge at the base of the head. i miss my foreskin. i have no memory of it, but i miss it terribly. i have always wondered what it's like to be a writer. how is it that one writes books? you write, that's how. when i grow up i want to be an artist and an astronaut.
this is what mathematics stops short of saying: there are three objects: 0, 1, and infinity. oo*0 = 1. from which follows: 1/oo = 0, and 1/0 = oo. mathematics is afraid of the truth, and hides behind logic.
and now i want to marry donna.
who will it be
this lottery keeps turning in my mind
i find i want to live
i want to give eternity away
where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right
for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love
ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say
is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it
you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions
you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart
my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat
one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet
no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun
and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.
i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.
and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.
one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly.
i am a man of letters.
i keep eating cookies. i eat too many, and get a horrible stomach-ache. i love those cookies.
oh yeah i was gonna say no more fear. no more weakness and no more fear. this time alone has been great for me. i had a productive month, which i feel good about. i don't care that people screwed me in the end. the cookie is so crisp and yielding. people screw eachother all the time. get over it. this is the first time in years i have had time to myself. spend all your energy. i did. now i am re-gaining super-gaining everything i lost and more. nothing is important. everything is beautiful. nothing is beautiful. everything is important. how can these things all be true. it's a simple trick of logic. grammar is logical, thus subject to limitations, but logic is powerful. use it. make it your tool. you are its master. not it you. that's enough cookies for now. nothing really is beautiful, though.
i feel compelled to know for real if i'm any good. of course i will only accept positive confirmation. i mean, confirmation in the affirmative. what would negative confirmation in the affirmative mean?
no, i know i'm good. every teacher i have ever had has said that. my college poetry teacher said "if you keep writing, you'll be in anthologies." i am brilliant and prolific. a virtuoso. all i desire now is to produce.
i used to desire alcohol, drugs, women. is that all? i watched many movies. i was a movie buff. film is the art of the day. now video. but writing is the art for me.
i have loved many lovers of literature. risha, diana. they see something in me. jameela tried to read lorca with me. she loved the image of a "cunt full of lilies." at the time i disdained it as petty seduction, but i must now admit it is good.
so many brilliant women. with talents i wouldn't have thought possible. who am i? someone who appreciates. and knows and does things that are completely mystifying.
i'm working at a slower pace today. i think that's good. i love tolstoy. at once and the same time i can't believe it took me the this long to find him, and i realize he would have been wasted on me in my youth. i pull my dick as i write.
yes i grab the skin atop the shaft and pull it up over the ridge at the base of the head. i miss my foreskin. i have no memory of it, but i miss it terribly. i have always wondered what it's like to be a writer. how is it that one writes books? you write, that's how. when i grow up i want to be an artist and an astronaut.
this is what mathematics stops short of saying: there are three objects: 0, 1, and infinity. oo*0 = 1. from which follows: 1/oo = 0, and 1/0 = oo. mathematics is afraid of the truth, and hides behind logic.
and now i want to marry donna.
who will it be
this lottery keeps turning in my mind
i find i want to live
i want to give eternity away
where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right
for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love
ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say
is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it
you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions
you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart
my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat
one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet
no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun
and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.
i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.
and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.
one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly.
