Thursday, September 16, 2004
bread and mayonnaise
my mind is flowing these kids can read i'm gonna teach them english i'm gonna make pattern sentences they're gonna repeat them they're gonna learn.
also i think about baseball:
conav:
current formula: 1/4 + 1/2pow
weak contact = 1/4
hard contact = 3/4
predictor should be pow + pow/x + 1/y
xbp should be 23p
home runs are the most constant
smash hits = (hr + 2/3(23) + 1/3(1b))/(ab - k)
deep flies and line drives
bloops and grounders
predictor for home runs on contact
give me the ball. ---cup, et al
here you go.
thank you.
can you open the window?
sure.
thanks.
do you have?
deep drive: 1/2 hit 1/2 out
line drive: 2/3 hit 1/3 out
(at this point there is a diagram consisting of a circle divided into 4 parts: deep drive, line drive, bloop, and grounder and two axes crossing through it: hard/weak and fb/gb.)
put the chair on the table
put the cup on the chair
put the chair under the table
put the cup under the chair
put the _____ in the cup
take the _____ out of the cup
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
| (there are boxes here)
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
this is a table --- this is a chair
--------this is a cup---------
the ______ is on the ________ ______ under _______
my name is _________.
nice to meet you. my name is _________.
nice to meet you.
(more boxes)
he is tall -------short
-------fat ---------thin
skinny
i am ___________ you are ___________
he is ___________ she is ___________
we are ___________ they are __________
am/are/is
______________ is happy/sad/angry
tired
busy
relaxed
what would you like?
i would like _________.
everything gets written down. i morosely tell myself i don't feel like it i don't feel like writing but that's just wallowing in self-pity. hanging on to the pain not letting it go not getting anywhere i'm writing too slow. what do you know? the canadian saga is over winnie won she screwed me i have to go to hong kong tomorrow or the next day to get a visa.
i don't wanna move. i don't wanna do anything. i want someone to be nice to me. i wish my mom would call. she's not that kind of mom, though not the don't worry honey everything will be allright kind of mom i've never been that kind of kid, though i've never let anyone comfort me i've never let anyone me depend on them. one time i broke down to jaimie i said "i don't think i'm gonna make it." it was true i didn't think i was gonna make it i was tired. i had a lot of work to do. she held me. women are the best. tenet #1 all women are the mother where's donna? i should call donna she wants me to call why don't i call? uncertainty? uncertainty about do i wanna fuck her? inability to let someone in let someone comfort me let someone be nice to me? i want to be nice to everyone but i don't let others be nice to me. usually when someone is nice it's because they want something. i'm a suspicious character. people are all the time seeing my hidden motives. i red my poem to donna and she was so moved so happy it was good it was a pure expression of love i'm glad i did it. i was gonna publish it but i tore it out and gave it to her because it's hers not yours it's for her it's a gift do you get it? no, she does. she'll keep it forever maybe it'll appear one day. after my death. after i get famous. you're famous when you're dead.
what if i call donna what are we gonna do what am i supposed to do? cry on her shoulder? i haven't touched her we don't touch. what's she gonna do come over here? for some reason that's a sensitive subject prob due to the uncertainty. what am i gonna do? i put on my pants to go out i was gonna buy cookies and chocolate ice cream or maybe smash meat but what am i gonna do i don't wanna eat that shit and there's no fresh bread anywhere in this city. give up on fresh bread. can't bake it no oven. could try other weird kinds of bread in the wok don't know what i'm doing but why not? maybe i'll just go home. where's home? i don't know. maybe i'll go to india. what a waste though to live here only two months after paying for 5? ultimately that cannot be the reason for the decision but there is a ridiculousness factor. i want to live on a farm in the south and have tea on the veranda in the afternoon tea not for the tea but for the cucumber sandwiches and i want feasts of turkey, lamb, and roast beef. pheasant---why not?---ham, sweet potatoes. mmm, sweet potatoes. i wanna kill somebody and eat good food. buttered rolls. i'm in agony! i'm creating agony for myself. what to do what to do what to do . . .
i write because i can't talk. i can't talk because i write. i drop the pen and it makes marks. i move the pen and reed it look at that! i reed it first then you i get to reed it first. fresh out of the oven! i want to go to any western country and eat bread and meat. they don't cook meat here they don't know how to cook meat they always cut it up. you have to cook it first to lock in the juices they don't know the first thing about meat. what's so special about chinese food? i at the moment can't figure it out. pork buns and dumplings, they got something there. grandma's spicy tofu . . . they do some things right. everything's bite-sized. i don't know if that's good or bad it's convenient. but then you don't get steak. they do have roast duck in beijing i hear it's nice. i had it in new york crispy style it was good.
what is it though that disinguishes? the food is obviously way different. everything in china is bathed in oil. and lots of msg. there are no sauces, really. all the flavor is put in the food when it's cooked. vinegar, soy sauce, oil, water, are always being tossed in the wok. high heat everything is scorched. i kind of want a plate of meat. but with what? rice? noodles? i'm so sick of rice i haven't even been eating that much of it i could go get some pork buns i love pork buns i wish i knew how to make chapatis. i suppose i better eat. i'm obviously hungry. i have spinach here and watermelon that's not gonna do it. it's like spinach. kind of. last night i cooked up some bitter green leaf with egg and the rice was brown and crispy on the edges which i love i had a feast. i have cucumbers, too. if only i had bread and mayonnaise they probly have mayonnaise at the friendship store i can't believe i'm jonesin for mayonnaise. anyway it's nine o'clock prospects for pork buns are dim but i'll find something. still tired not as crushing the rage today seems to have helped. we'll see.
i'll bring you with me. no need to be alone.
yes, that's it! i can't call donna because i'm afraid to be unhappy. i'm afraid to show my misfortune. why? is it for fear that i'll be rejected? fear that i'll be left alone i can be alone look! and i'm alone.
here on the corner on shui yin lu there's a couple of auto shops. almost 10 o'clock and they're bustlin away everyone's hustlin and bustlin tryna make a buck. it's sickening and it's beautiful. restaurants people sit outside the southern city comes alive at night. it's too hot in the day summer nights i love those southern summer nights i want to play basketball and go swimming i want to stay up all night and order pizza and play basketball to stay awake and eat the pizza and fall asleep in the dirt by the court. i want my body to stop hurting. it hurts when i write. i wonder if writing's the cause would i give up writing to stop hurting. i suppose not. that is inconceivable to you it is inconceivable to me to not write. yes, stare at me as you walk by i'm whiteand i'm writing on paper. can you belive it? can you fucking bellieve it? i should call donna. she loves me.
"you are a good horse."
"i hate to be good."
i don't want anything i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna do anything why did why did why did i lost my train of thought.
all alone. i'm all alone.
i'm so pathetic. but really what the fuck am i gonna do nobody's gonna take care of me and i don't want to either. marriage. i should get married. i tried.
maybe baseball will cheer my up. i'll go check box scores.
here's the secret there's all this crap all over the place all these game reports and opinion pieces but it's all crap it's all complete bullshit nobody knows anything. those that do aren't talkin. the only thing that's real is the box score. watching the game obviously but if you can't do that, the box score. it's the only pure information. it takes a minute to reed a box score. fifteen games fifteen minutes a day you know everything about baseball.
---------------------
now i'm in hong kong. i'm sitting here in kowloon park. it's nice to be in a city that has a park that you don't have to pay for. it's a quarter to eight. i would have thought it was later. everyone here is a couple. and i got no one. here i go again.
i'm here to get a visa. i may or may not have told you that my previous employer screwed me. if i run out of money i can always stay witha man and her family.
"no release of fish or terrapin into the pond." that's hilarious. i'm trying to decide whether to get a bed for the night. probably i will. at the good ole chungking mansion. the place is a labrynth. shops, guest houses, indian restaurants . . . you'd have to see it to believe it.
i thought this woman was alone like me until her boyfriend showed up. it's nice sitting in a park. i wish there were a park in guangzhou. that didn't cost money. and was anywhere near my place. i suppose i can always go hang out at the university. speaking of, i think i must get a university gig.
maybe i should abandon mandarin and go straight for cantonese. it doesn't seem to make sense though, when i'm so close to nailing it down. i gotta get going on this cantonese, though. these mosquitos are killing me. maybe i'm just imagining them.
hong kong is much richer than guangzhou. it oozes money. the women are dolled up. the men are slick and shiny. lots of indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis. i walked by a long-haired, goateed brown dude who said i couldn't figure it out "shee shee" or something until another guy just like him said "hashish" aha! they looked like people i would have hung out with in college.
what is this life here i am i'm in hong kong what am i gonna do? i guess i'm a teacher i got this teaching thing goin i don't know i don't know.
what am i gonna do wander around the rest of my life i think about america i don't have any desire to be there. except to watch baseball i miss baseball. there's these girls sittin over there lookin at me. i'm very interesting. very very interesting. i just want someone to hold and sit down with and say nice things to and walk next to and share life with. stare into eachother's eyes or laugh at nothing touch and play with as the case may be. i'm not picky. i'm not picky but i am very very picky. i don't wanna try again and fail. it can't be anyone from my past. i hope it's jenny.
donna donna donna. it could be donna for so many reasons but it's not gonna be.
jenny i just wish i could look at you once in a while i wish i could talk to you more than 15 minutes every two weeks i wish i want more i want more i want more i want more i'll take whatever you give. i'm gonna walk around now.
it's a pretty annoying park i guess there's limited space they do what they can with it. i'm talking about the city. the park is big. it has an aviary. i don't think i'm gonna need to sleep tonight. i can get a bed for five bucks so there's no reason not to but i might just maybe i'll sit by the harbor and watch the boats and watch the sunrise. i got bit in my foot through my sock am i hungry? kind of. i found a list of english phonemes at the bookstore of hong kong polytechnic university. i copied it down. what are the most common english words? i bet it's on the internet. maybe i'll go log on. there's a free internet place by the harbor. do i wanna eat first? i noticed a vegetarian indian place. maybe i'll just sit here awhile. and think of jenny.
what do i desire? i desire not to suffer. what else do i desire? judging by my actions, not much. i say i want to help people, to give to others, but it doesn't appear i mean i'm not really acting like it. i write. writing is a gift. but i'm not seeking out putting all my energy behind some education project or something. i keep thinking about quietly returning. but i never did anything! i could hang out in belize with uncle george. kick back and live away from life and learn to run the farm help out and sit on the porch in the evening and write. his kid greg's a smart little fucker. my age to his is similar to his dad's to mine. he probably looks up to me. he could spend summers with us and i could teach him stuff.
i have a year-long lease. do i have to respect it? no. i don't gotta do shit. what am i gonna do? i have no idea. am i gonna wait for jenny? tomorrow i have to get a visa and return to guangzhou and meet up witha man and make course materials for these girls that i'm teaching. i'm gonna be tired. i wanna make tapes for them to listen to that's the only way it's gonna work. really they need to listen at home to the tapes i make of the sentences i make this is the beginning of my english empire and come to class and i drill them. i am rather excited i'm excited about this i just wish i had more time. but that's always my story i always wish i had more time. tonight i'll plan the sentences i got a lot of em already i need to figure out what concepts are important i should look in a bookstore there's no need to think of it all myself the work has been done. my job is to synthesize. and refine. refine and synthesize. improve upon. creatively re-combine. my kung fu is the best.
i'm good at . . . chess/basketball
he/she playing the piano
we speaking english
you
they
i like to __________
i like to eat.
what do you like to eat?
cherries, pumpkins, lobster . . . everything!
let's go check out this indian restaurant.
-------------------
the indian restaurant was closed. there was another on the same block on the third floor which means fourth floor this is britain remember but their food was slilghtly expensive i should have eaten there anyway. now i'm sitting at the harbor, on some steps next to the cultural center the whole scene reminds me of sacre coeur i gotta say. people hang out on steps some have guitars there is alcohol. i don't think there will be bottle smashing that little foreign girl has a radiant smile. long brown hair and glasses i don't care if i stare thank you for your smile.
also i think about baseball:
conav:
current formula: 1/4 + 1/2pow
weak contact = 1/4
hard contact = 3/4
predictor should be pow + pow/x + 1/y
xbp should be 23p
home runs are the most constant
smash hits = (hr + 2/3(23) + 1/3(1b))/(ab - k)
deep flies and line drives
bloops and grounders
predictor for home runs on contact
give me the ball. ---cup, et al
here you go.
thank you.
can you open the window?
sure.
thanks.
do you have?
deep drive: 1/2 hit 1/2 out
line drive: 2/3 hit 1/3 out
(at this point there is a diagram consisting of a circle divided into 4 parts: deep drive, line drive, bloop, and grounder and two axes crossing through it: hard/weak and fb/gb.)
put the chair on the table
put the cup on the chair
put the chair under the table
put the cup under the chair
put the _____ in the cup
take the _____ out of the cup
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
| (there are boxes here)
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
this is a table --- this is a chair
--------this is a cup---------
the ______ is on the ________ ______ under _______
my name is _________.
nice to meet you. my name is _________.
nice to meet you.
(more boxes)
he is tall -------short
-------fat ---------thin
skinny
i am ___________ you are ___________
he is ___________ she is ___________
we are ___________ they are __________
am/are/is
______________ is happy/sad/angry
tired
busy
relaxed
what would you like?
i would like _________.
everything gets written down. i morosely tell myself i don't feel like it i don't feel like writing but that's just wallowing in self-pity. hanging on to the pain not letting it go not getting anywhere i'm writing too slow. what do you know? the canadian saga is over winnie won she screwed me i have to go to hong kong tomorrow or the next day to get a visa.
i don't wanna move. i don't wanna do anything. i want someone to be nice to me. i wish my mom would call. she's not that kind of mom, though not the don't worry honey everything will be allright kind of mom i've never been that kind of kid, though i've never let anyone comfort me i've never let anyone me depend on them. one time i broke down to jaimie i said "i don't think i'm gonna make it." it was true i didn't think i was gonna make it i was tired. i had a lot of work to do. she held me. women are the best. tenet #1 all women are the mother where's donna? i should call donna she wants me to call why don't i call? uncertainty? uncertainty about do i wanna fuck her? inability to let someone in let someone comfort me let someone be nice to me? i want to be nice to everyone but i don't let others be nice to me. usually when someone is nice it's because they want something. i'm a suspicious character. people are all the time seeing my hidden motives. i red my poem to donna and she was so moved so happy it was good it was a pure expression of love i'm glad i did it. i was gonna publish it but i tore it out and gave it to her because it's hers not yours it's for her it's a gift do you get it? no, she does. she'll keep it forever maybe it'll appear one day. after my death. after i get famous. you're famous when you're dead.
what if i call donna what are we gonna do what am i supposed to do? cry on her shoulder? i haven't touched her we don't touch. what's she gonna do come over here? for some reason that's a sensitive subject prob due to the uncertainty. what am i gonna do? i put on my pants to go out i was gonna buy cookies and chocolate ice cream or maybe smash meat but what am i gonna do i don't wanna eat that shit and there's no fresh bread anywhere in this city. give up on fresh bread. can't bake it no oven. could try other weird kinds of bread in the wok don't know what i'm doing but why not? maybe i'll just go home. where's home? i don't know. maybe i'll go to india. what a waste though to live here only two months after paying for 5? ultimately that cannot be the reason for the decision but there is a ridiculousness factor. i want to live on a farm in the south and have tea on the veranda in the afternoon tea not for the tea but for the cucumber sandwiches and i want feasts of turkey, lamb, and roast beef. pheasant---why not?---ham, sweet potatoes. mmm, sweet potatoes. i wanna kill somebody and eat good food. buttered rolls. i'm in agony! i'm creating agony for myself. what to do what to do what to do . . .
i write because i can't talk. i can't talk because i write. i drop the pen and it makes marks. i move the pen and reed it look at that! i reed it first then you i get to reed it first. fresh out of the oven! i want to go to any western country and eat bread and meat. they don't cook meat here they don't know how to cook meat they always cut it up. you have to cook it first to lock in the juices they don't know the first thing about meat. what's so special about chinese food? i at the moment can't figure it out. pork buns and dumplings, they got something there. grandma's spicy tofu . . . they do some things right. everything's bite-sized. i don't know if that's good or bad it's convenient. but then you don't get steak. they do have roast duck in beijing i hear it's nice. i had it in new york crispy style it was good.
what is it though that disinguishes? the food is obviously way different. everything in china is bathed in oil. and lots of msg. there are no sauces, really. all the flavor is put in the food when it's cooked. vinegar, soy sauce, oil, water, are always being tossed in the wok. high heat everything is scorched. i kind of want a plate of meat. but with what? rice? noodles? i'm so sick of rice i haven't even been eating that much of it i could go get some pork buns i love pork buns i wish i knew how to make chapatis. i suppose i better eat. i'm obviously hungry. i have spinach here and watermelon that's not gonna do it. it's like spinach. kind of. last night i cooked up some bitter green leaf with egg and the rice was brown and crispy on the edges which i love i had a feast. i have cucumbers, too. if only i had bread and mayonnaise they probly have mayonnaise at the friendship store i can't believe i'm jonesin for mayonnaise. anyway it's nine o'clock prospects for pork buns are dim but i'll find something. still tired not as crushing the rage today seems to have helped. we'll see.
i'll bring you with me. no need to be alone.
yes, that's it! i can't call donna because i'm afraid to be unhappy. i'm afraid to show my misfortune. why? is it for fear that i'll be rejected? fear that i'll be left alone i can be alone look! and i'm alone.
here on the corner on shui yin lu there's a couple of auto shops. almost 10 o'clock and they're bustlin away everyone's hustlin and bustlin tryna make a buck. it's sickening and it's beautiful. restaurants people sit outside the southern city comes alive at night. it's too hot in the day summer nights i love those southern summer nights i want to play basketball and go swimming i want to stay up all night and order pizza and play basketball to stay awake and eat the pizza and fall asleep in the dirt by the court. i want my body to stop hurting. it hurts when i write. i wonder if writing's the cause would i give up writing to stop hurting. i suppose not. that is inconceivable to you it is inconceivable to me to not write. yes, stare at me as you walk by i'm white
"you are a good horse."
"i hate to be good."
i don't want anything i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna do anything why did why did why did i lost my train of thought.
all alone. i'm all alone.
i'm so pathetic. but really what the fuck am i gonna do nobody's gonna take care of me and i don't want to either. marriage. i should get married. i tried.
maybe baseball will cheer my up. i'll go check box scores.
here's the secret there's all this crap all over the place all these game reports and opinion pieces but it's all crap it's all complete bullshit nobody knows anything. those that do aren't talkin. the only thing that's real is the box score. watching the game obviously but if you can't do that, the box score. it's the only pure information. it takes a minute to reed a box score. fifteen games fifteen minutes a day you know everything about baseball.
---------------------
now i'm in hong kong. i'm sitting here in kowloon park. it's nice to be in a city that has a park that you don't have to pay for. it's a quarter to eight. i would have thought it was later. everyone here is a couple. and i got no one. here i go again.
i'm here to get a visa. i may or may not have told you that my previous employer screwed me. if i run out of money i can always stay with
"no release of fish or terrapin into the pond." that's hilarious. i'm trying to decide whether to get a bed for the night. probably i will. at the good ole chungking mansion. the place is a labrynth. shops, guest houses, indian restaurants . . . you'd have to see it to believe it.
i thought this woman was alone like me until her boyfriend showed up. it's nice sitting in a park. i wish there were a park in guangzhou. that didn't cost money. and was anywhere near my place. i suppose i can always go hang out at the university. speaking of, i think i must get a university gig.
maybe i should abandon mandarin and go straight for cantonese. it doesn't seem to make sense though, when i'm so close to nailing it down. i gotta get going on this cantonese, though. these mosquitos are killing me. maybe i'm just imagining them.
hong kong is much richer than guangzhou. it oozes money. the women are dolled up. the men are slick and shiny. lots of indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis. i walked by a long-haired, goateed brown dude who said i couldn't figure it out "shee shee" or something until another guy just like him said "hashish" aha! they looked like people i would have hung out with in college.
what is this life here i am i'm in hong kong what am i gonna do? i guess i'm a teacher i got this teaching thing goin i don't know i don't know.
what am i gonna do wander around the rest of my life i think about america i don't have any desire to be there. except to watch baseball i miss baseball. there's these girls sittin over there lookin at me. i'm very interesting. very very interesting. i just want someone to hold and sit down with and say nice things to and walk next to and share life with. stare into eachother's eyes or laugh at nothing touch and play with as the case may be. i'm not picky. i'm not picky but i am very very picky. i don't wanna try again and fail. it can't be anyone from my past. i hope it's jenny.
donna donna donna. it could be donna for so many reasons but it's not gonna be.
jenny i just wish i could look at you once in a while i wish i could talk to you more than 15 minutes every two weeks i wish i want more i want more i want more i want more i'll take whatever you give. i'm gonna walk around now.
it's a pretty annoying park i guess there's limited space they do what they can with it. i'm talking about the city. the park is big. it has an aviary. i don't think i'm gonna need to sleep tonight. i can get a bed for five bucks so there's no reason not to but i might just maybe i'll sit by the harbor and watch the boats and watch the sunrise. i got bit in my foot through my sock am i hungry? kind of. i found a list of english phonemes at the bookstore of hong kong polytechnic university. i copied it down. what are the most common english words? i bet it's on the internet. maybe i'll go log on. there's a free internet place by the harbor. do i wanna eat first? i noticed a vegetarian indian place. maybe i'll just sit here awhile. and think of jenny.
what do i desire? i desire not to suffer. what else do i desire? judging by my actions, not much. i say i want to help people, to give to others, but it doesn't appear i mean i'm not really acting like it. i write. writing is a gift. but i'm not seeking out putting all my energy behind some education project or something. i keep thinking about quietly returning. but i never did anything! i could hang out in belize with uncle george. kick back and live away from life and learn to run the farm help out and sit on the porch in the evening and write. his kid greg's a smart little fucker. my age to his is similar to his dad's to mine. he probably looks up to me. he could spend summers with us and i could teach him stuff.
i have a year-long lease. do i have to respect it? no. i don't gotta do shit. what am i gonna do? i have no idea. am i gonna wait for jenny? tomorrow i have to get a visa and return to guangzhou and meet up with
i'm good at . . . chess/basketball
he/she playing the piano
we speaking english
you
they
i like to __________
i like to eat.
what do you like to eat?
cherries, pumpkins, lobster . . . everything!
let's go check out this indian restaurant.
-------------------
the indian restaurant was closed. there was another on the same block on the third floor which means fourth floor this is britain remember but their food was slilghtly expensive i should have eaten there anyway. now i'm sitting at the harbor, on some steps next to the cultural center the whole scene reminds me of sacre coeur i gotta say. people hang out on steps some have guitars there is alcohol. i don't think there will be bottle smashing that little foreign girl has a radiant smile. long brown hair and glasses i don't care if i stare thank you for your smile.
