that's my mama

it doesn't matter where i post this that's not important the important thing is to get in write. write it up. write it down. write around. i got a little girl named daw she is little little little she is four feet eight inches tall and she weighs eighty-seven pounds. she's a hot little mama she's a little scorpio she comes to see me we lie in swirling clouds of dreams. i screwed that sentence up but there is no going back there is only forward there is building there is new. there is the new reality different from the one we would have created every moment is free will every thing is predestined. she's a hot little mama she's a little scorpio. my dick is as big as she is but somehow it all gets in. when i hold her i fuck her and hold her her entire ass fits in my hands both hands my fingers touch and my thumbs wrap around her front. she it tiny. somehow my dick goes all the way in. she comes and she comes she comes. i fuck her from behind and i am not kidding her body is seven dick-widths wide. imagine seven dick-widths. seven lanes. you know how they draw the face it's five eyes wide? they draw vertical lines demarcating delineating the widths. do that with her ass. back. legs. my dick is in the middle. three widths on either side.

her back has these tiny black hairs she's a little scorpio with tiny black hairs on her exoskeleton. i caress them with my lips i brush the tips the hairs my lips i maintain contact with the electromagnetic field and brush the tips. her little teeth an overbite the skin stretched tight the little tiny corners of her mouth. she smiles she sets the room alight. she sets. the room. alight. she flies away.

i'm in love with a 42-year-old woman named hiltrudes. she's from the phillipines. i'm in love with all women. the one i'm thinking about now is from the phillipines. she has three kids, all boys. they are in college. she works as an english teacher to support them. she works in lao. vientiane. that's where we met. we kissed by the mekong river. actually we met in the train on the way to vientiane. she was on her way to her new job.

we met as the train pulled in to nong khai, the end of the line. we shared a cab (actually a tuk-tuk) to the border. it should have taken five minutes but her friend was there to meet her and she had errands to run. we went all over the place. we got to know each other.

i went by two days later our guest house was across the street from her school. we walked along the river and talked. we ate indian food. we walked some more. we kissed. we went back to my place. we fucked.

i'd never fucked an older woman before. she had such knowledge, experience. she knew what she was doing. she knew what she wanted. she was confident, unselfconscious. she pressed herself against me.

i liked her cunt, it tasted like stilton. it tasted like wine. burgundy. white. she stopped me. "i want to come with you inside me." i stuck my dick in. slid it in, like a dagger. he lips puckered up her legs spread wide she pressed against me her muscles moved in undulations pressed against my skin we moved as one.

she came we fucked she came we fucked she came i never came. i don't know why. sometimes it happens that way. i was gonna see her the next day. i didn't. i chased after this cunt named one. wan. douang. she calls herself one but her name is douang. when she says "one" it sounds more like "wan".

i went and fucked jeab today jeab is great she gives me a massage she massages me all over i feel great so relaxed i feel great.

i came home i checked my mail i got mail from hiltrudes. she's sad. she misses me. i miss her too. i tell her i'm no good i sleep with lots of women i don't have the power to commit to one. honesty is the policy. the best?

she came to visit. she stayed a week. she left sunday.

here's how it works at the bathhouse: you go in and they got rows of hot bitches sitting in a room behind glass. they can usually see you kind of. they have numbers. you pick one out. you pay 2,000 bath (thai currency, prounounced bot). she takes you to a room. you buy drinks. tip the drink girl 20 bath. the drinks cost 30--40 each. then you get a bath. it's nice. then you get a fuck.

you can just go along with the program and get a bath and a fuck the usual way but if at any point you have desire you should act on it. 2,000 bath is a lot of money. it's 50 bucks to us, but it's a lot of money in thailand. you are the king. there already is a king, but you are a sub-king. it's not polite to make fun of the king.

it's not polite to make fun of the king in thailand. but the point is, do what you want. you'll get used to it after you fuck enough.

the bathhouses that most tourists go to are much more expensive, but apparently the bitches are super-hot. i should go one of these days, to check it out. there's this super-hot bitch i fucked at valentines her name is oo she's super-hot but she's a total cunt. she only gave me 45 minutes. i'm supposed to get two hours. i'll probly fuck her again, though, cause she's so hot. i mean, it's way better to have an emotional connection, a nice time, a good fuck. but this bitch is hot. and she *is* good at her job. making you come. she can suck, and she can fuck. next time i'll make her the second or third of the day so i can get my full two hours.

today, as most days, we were walking down to chaophya. the upsetter had some advice. "if you wanna see a whore on new years, book in advance!" people are lonely, you see. there's a lot of demand. of course you can always pick up a street whore.

chaophya is the bathhouse. one of two. the other is valentines. conveniently, they are next to each other. valentines is patronized by the rich and famous. and two dirty white guys. makes sense; we need a bath.

seriously, when we go to valentines we are recognized by polititians, actors, and landowners. that's some funny shit.

i've been working my way through the roster at valentines. they got some hot hot bitches. chaophya has more of a personal touch. the mama there makes fun of us, and gets mad when we don't come in for a while. i've only taken two girls there, both of whom i got really attached to. hell, i get attached to all of them. almost all of them. but these girls, yeah. jeab, and aoi. they both called me on the same day the other day. minutes apart. but i had a bitch here. so i couldn't see either of them. jeab is very nurturing. it's nice to be taken care of. aoi i wanna make my girlfriend. she's interested in language and communication. she likes movies. she's hot as shit. soft, brown body. dark brown. tight little tits. gentle, sensitive. thin and awkward. i gotta see her. today, hopefully. i wanna take her to a movie.

so we get there, chaophya, and they only got three girls. it's new year's day. they're all on holiday i guess. oh well. chat with the mama a minute off we go. valentines. also three girls. this blows. they try to push a couple on us i'd be ambivalent if i wasn't apathetic. off we go. i think i woulda fucked number 81 if the guy hadn't been so pushy. the proprieter is always touching us and prodding us and trying to manipulate us. manipulate. hands.

so we walk down the street and decide to go back to the place we passed on the way that has the girls that we talked to before. girls that pretend they're not whores. they hang out at this restaurant. we eat with them and have a few drinks the blaster goes home i end up at a disco. it was fun this girl is hot her name is jan and her skin is softly springy. she's got a little body seductive face lazy eyes tiny mole on her cheek and teeth that stick out of her mouth. i wanna fuck her but i don't know if i have the time.

even the internet is slow. halfway around the world. this is it mama is back online i don't know what i did i kind of killed it why not but we're bringin it back hopefully the upsetter will post something. at some point.

to kick off the announcement i am in a bad mood. the perfect mood. for a bad mood. i don't know what that means but i just realized i spent almost a year with a small-minded, petty bitch. maybe i'll put a link in there but there's a post on letterstojulien.blogspot.com that you may find interesting. if you're into that sort of thing. i am.

i have nothing to say. today we were walking every day we walk down the street to the whorehouse and get a bath and a fuck. then we go to the other whorehouse get a bath and a fuck, and people gotta tell us there's something wrong with us. fuck you there's something wrong with you. if you got a problem that means there's something you wanna do that you ain't doing. so fuck off. hate the game.

that's all i got to say except somebody somewhere needs to detail lay out expound on the art i was gonna say science and there's some of that but mostly the art of whoring. there's a lot of shame and therefore misinformation surrounding the subject but john waters et al taught us and we should listen never be ashamed of anything you do. if you did it, you did it. fuck it. maybe it was a mistake. ok. that's no excuse for shame. don't do it again. if you don't want to.

i am merely a disciple the master is the master blaster. the master blaster the upsetter. in true upsetter style if we beg him loud and long enough he will lay upon our heads the knowledge. the knowledge he has so assiduously gathered and kept and tabulated. the knowledge of the bitches. the knowledge of the whores.

all women are whores. what's that? you're angry? are you angry at that statement. that means it's true. how can you be angry at something that's false? is it obviously false? no. then it's true. everything is true. figure it out.

incitement excitement is cool but it's true: what do you want. a ring? a child? a little cash for your ring and your child? what is the cost? what is the collateral. what is the exchange? pussy for a ring and a child.

i suppose there are bitches that don't think of their pussy as a thing to be exchanged but i haven't met one.

there's a tone i've a tone there's a tone that i take i'm the one that you hate i'm the one that is standing up to be knocked down i'm the enemy i'm the martyr i'm saying the shit that no one says i'm the hero the goat. not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. i am me here i am what am i i'm a pen i'm a word i'm a thought i'm not something you bought buy something else.

she called. that's something i suppose. the phone rang. just now. it was aom. the whore i fucked today. the first one. i fucked a whore named aom. like the buddhist chant. i don't know if it's buddhist or what. hindu i suppose. om. sounds like om. that's her name. i fucked her. she bathed me and i fucked her. i fed her yams. she fed me yams. i licked her pussy. she sucked my dick. we fucked. we had a good time. she said she'd see me tonight. not likely. she called. that was not likely. she wants me to see her again tomorrow. no way. i'll fuck who i want. i'm paying. if you want to see me you come see me when you said you would. otherwise no deal. no dice. no rice. no lice.

fuckin bitches. there all the same. excuse me to any bitches who may not be the same. they want to see how much of a sucker you are. if you're a sucker they won't respect you but they'll take your money/sperm/lifetime financial security as the case may be. then they'll fuck who they want whoever turns them on usually the non-sucker. or another sucker with more money/sperm/lifetime financial security. no it's not like that! fuck you. prove it.

what is there to do you want to see if i'm a sucker. fuck it. i ain't a sucker no more. no more being a sucker. i'm through with it. i'm through. you bitches have finally sucked the life out of me. sucked the suck out of me. sucked the fuck out of me. i wanna say fuck it fuck it that's it no more bitches i've said that before. but we always come back around. to the inevitable. i have a dick. dicks fuck pussies. sometimes dicks fuck assholes. if they didn't, there'd be shit all over the place.

i am in a foul mood i'm sick of bullshit i'm sick of fuckin shit i'm sick and tired of bullshit. i ain't gonna take it no more. i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna take it anymore.

the post time will be the post time. if i know the time of writing, i'll put that in there too. i'm making it sound more complicated than it is. that's life. more complicated than it is.

i've got an idea. let's see if i can not write. yeah i was lying there going "i'm not a writer. who'm i kidding?" and i was like i know! i'll see how long i can not write. so whaddyouthink? i immediately wanted to write about that. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! i'm a writer! what the fuck who wants to be a writer.

it's not good for you it's not good for your life everybody thinks you're a lazy slut. i may be a slut, but i'm not lazy. i'm not even a slut. i never get laid. i'm such a fuckin pussy. i'm like "oh no! i don't want to get laid! it's not nice!" fuckin fuck everybody wants to fuck and it's the job of the male to initiate the action. that's how the species works.

fuck fuck fuck i already did that. i wrote a book about it. oh yeah it turned into a disgusting love story. or two. something like that. yeah so then i said no more fucking and i went to china and i didn't fuck anyone and i came back and i fucked nadia. i should keep careful track of names to preserve the illusion of reality but i don't cause i'm messy. i like it messy. i like it stinky and sloppy with fluids and animal parts animal parts?

everytime i think about fuckin someone i get this pain in my neck cause nadia got these hooks in me she makes me think she owes me she i worry i donwanna hurter.

i don wanna fuck somebody else some other body and have to tell her about it we talk on the phone. why do we talk on the phone because we are emotional masochists it's completely insane she reeds my book she's greedy for people sayin shit about her. why can't i write better?

she especially likes the writing about her that is not particularly complimentary. not particularly compli she likes the not particularly complimentary.

if they're not being nice then you know they're being honest.

are you crazy?

are you?

this is the last chance in this reality this is your last chance in this physical world you cannot go back enjoy it while it lasts you cannot go back.

"where are the children now?"

"they live with their mother."

you can't write that you have to steal it. she's a writer. yes, she is she writes poems. and plays she's got a name.

busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy.

hi mom. no.

the white buffalo chased me so i hid in the tire.

eat it.

you only get one chance.

the leaves are falling.

why sleep no sleep no. sleeping tom green is an innovator does anyone remember andy kaufmannnnn? n? n-y-one?

you didn't think of that i thought of that.

which one do i fuck? both of them? all three? yes this feels nice i'm good at writing i write i form the letters i am good at it i write quickly i recently standardized my q's i write quickly and legibly it's what i do.

right about writing, i, write about writing. tom green on the tonight show hip-hop on the tonight show but tom green i love the way i form the letters i form them so nicely. he made frozen hamburgers in the microwave it was hilarious jay tried one it was still frozen. he said "it's still frozen!"

i laughed uncontrollably. i'm thinking about no i really could not stop laughing i couldn't. stop i went to the kitchen but i still could not retain my laughter into the kitchen i'm thinking about making everything poetry. i mean it is. part of it is making the letters nice.

who made up the cursive "r"? it's the most fucked-up letter ever. no one can do it. either they make it a little hump or they make it like an "i" without the dot. my r's tend to be little humps.

it's like a speech impediment. everybody has a speech impediment.

vewy nice to meet you. i'm making a clean break with china "r" after "b" is the weirdest. it's weird after "w" too but i guess i'm used to it. you gotta write something. actually i think i do it most right when i do it i do it most right when i do it i do it most, write when i do it. don't leave out the i.

yeah i like it
being crazy
i like it.

what am i supposed to do it's something 3 in the morning i ain't sleepin i ain't been sleepin at night i been sleepin mornings and afternoons. these lines are small.

i can't do it any more i can't do it anymore i can't what are you afraid of? things should be good. maybe i'm just conscious of more bad let me explain i red this book---the mindbody connection by james sarno he's a medical doctor and it turns out that that debilitating pain i had in my neck and shoulder was the result of repressed unconscious emotions. actually it was part of the repressing. focusing on the body distracts the mind from what it doesn't want to know about. what it doesn't want to face. yeah, freud. so i