that's my mama

she smiles she sets the room alight

2006-01-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

it doesn't matter where i post this that's not important the important thing is to get in write. write it up. write it down. write around. i got a little girl named daw she is little little little she is four feet eight inches tall and she weighs eighty-seven pounds. she's a hot little mama she's a little scorpio she comes to see me we lie in swirling clouds of dreams. i screwed that sentence up but there is no going back there is only forward there is building there is new. there is the new reality different from the one we would have created every moment is free will every thing is predestined. she's a hot little mama she's a little scorpio. my dick is as big as she is but somehow it all gets in. when i hold her i fuck her and hold her her entire ass fits in my hands both hands my fingers touch and my thumbs wrap around her front. she it tiny. somehow my dick goes all the way in. she comes and she comes she comes. i fuck her from behind and i am not kidding her body is seven dick-widths wide. imagine seven dick-widths. seven lanes. you know how they draw the face it's five eyes wide? they draw vertical lines demarcating delineating the widths. do that with her ass. back. legs. my dick is in the middle. three widths on either side.

her back has these tiny black hairs she's a little scorpio with tiny black hairs on her exoskeleton. i caress them with my lips i brush the tips the hairs my lips i maintain contact with the electromagnetic field and brush the tips. her little teeth an overbite the skin stretched tight the little tiny corners of her mouth. she smiles she sets the room alight. she sets. the room. alight. she flies away.

love

2006-01-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

i'm in love with a 42-year-old woman named hiltrudes. she's from the phillipines. i'm in love with all women. the one i'm thinking about now is from the phillipines. she has three kids, all boys. they are in college. she works as an english teacher to support them. she works in lao. vientiane. that's where we met. we kissed by the mekong river. actually we met in the train on the way to vientiane. she was on her way to her new job.

we met as the train pulled in to nong khai, the end of the line. we shared a cab (actually a tuk-tuk) to the border. it should have taken five minutes but her friend was there to meet her and she had errands to run. we went all over the place. we got to know each other.

i went by two days later our guest house was across the street from her school. we walked along the river and talked. we ate indian food. we walked some more. we kissed. we went back to my place. we fucked.

i'd never fucked an older woman before. she had such knowledge, experience. she knew what she was doing. she knew what she wanted. she was confident, unselfconscious. she pressed herself against me.

i liked her cunt, it tasted like stilton. it tasted like wine. burgundy. white. she stopped me. "i want to come with you inside me." i stuck my dick in. slid it in, like a dagger. he lips puckered up her legs spread wide she pressed against me her muscles moved in undulations pressed against my skin we moved as one.

she came we fucked she came we fucked she came i never came. i don't know why. sometimes it happens that way. i was gonna see her the next day. i didn't. i chased after this cunt named one. wan. douang. she calls herself one but her name is douang. when she says "one" it sounds more like "wan".

i went and fucked jeab today jeab is great she gives me a massage she massages me all over i feel great so relaxed i feel great.

i came home i checked my mail i got mail from hiltrudes. she's sad. she misses me. i miss her too. i tell her i'm no good i sleep with lots of women i don't have the power to commit to one. honesty is the policy. the best?

she came to visit. she stayed a week. she left sunday.

the full two hours

2006-01-02T01:07:00.000-05:00

here's how it works at the bathhouse: you go in and they got rows of hot bitches sitting in a room behind glass. they can usually see you kind of. they have numbers. you pick one out. you pay 2,000 bath (thai currency, prounounced bot). she takes you to a room. you buy drinks. tip the drink girl 20 bath. the drinks cost 30--40 each. then you get a bath. it's nice. then you get a fuck.

you can just go along with the program and get a bath and a fuck the usual way but if at any point you have desire you should act on it. 2,000 bath is a lot of money. it's 50 bucks to us, but it's a lot of money in thailand. you are the king. there already is a king, but you are a sub-king. it's not polite to make fun of the king.

it's not polite to make fun of the king in thailand. but the point is, do what you want. you'll get used to it after you fuck enough.

the bathhouses that most tourists go to are much more expensive, but apparently the bitches are super-hot. i should go one of these days, to check it out. there's this super-hot bitch i fucked at valentines her name is oo she's super-hot but she's a total cunt. she only gave me 45 minutes. i'm supposed to get two hours. i'll probly fuck her again, though, cause she's so hot. i mean, it's way better to have an emotional connection, a nice time, a good fuck. but this bitch is hot. and she *is* good at her job. making you come. she can suck, and she can fuck. next time i'll make her the second or third of the day so i can get my full two hours.

what is the name of this book?

2006-01-02T00:34:00.000-05:00

today, as most days, we were walking down to chaophya. the upsetter had some advice. "if you wanna see a whore on new years, book in advance!" people are lonely, you see. there's a lot of demand. of course you can always pick up a street whore.

chaophya is the bathhouse. one of two. the other is valentines. conveniently, they are next to each other. valentines is patronized by the rich and famous. and two dirty white guys. makes sense; we need a bath.

seriously, when we go to valentines we are recognized by polititians, actors, and landowners. that's some funny shit.

i've been working my way through the roster at valentines. they got some hot hot bitches. chaophya has more of a personal touch. the mama there makes fun of us, and gets mad when we don't come in for a while. i've only taken two girls there, both of whom i got really attached to. hell, i get attached to all of them. almost all of them. but these girls, yeah. jeab, and aoi. they both called me on the same day the other day. minutes apart. but i had a bitch here. so i couldn't see either of them. jeab is very nurturing. it's nice to be taken care of. aoi i wanna make my girlfriend. she's interested in language and communication. she likes movies. she's hot as shit. soft, brown body. dark brown. tight little tits. gentle, sensitive. thin and awkward. i gotta see her. today, hopefully. i wanna take her to a movie.

so we get there, chaophya, and they only got three girls. it's new year's day. they're all on holiday i guess. oh well. chat with the mama a minute off we go. valentines. also three girls. this blows. they try to push a couple on us i'd be ambivalent if i wasn't apathetic. off we go. i think i woulda fucked number 81 if the guy hadn't been so pushy. the proprieter is always touching us and prodding us and trying to manipulate us. manipulate. hands.

so we walk down the street and decide to go back to the place we passed on the way that has the girls that we talked to before. girls that pretend they're not whores. they hang out at this restaurant. we eat with them and have a few drinks the blaster goes home i end up at a disco. it was fun this girl is hot her name is jan and her skin is softly springy. she's got a little body seductive face lazy eyes tiny mole on her cheek and teeth that stick out of her mouth. i wanna fuck her but i don't know if i have the time.

slow-ass connection

2005-12-21T12:05:00.000-05:00

even the internet is slow. halfway around the world. this is it mama is back online i don't know what i did i kind of killed it why not but we're bringin it back hopefully the upsetter will post something. at some point.

to kick off the announcement i am in a bad mood. the perfect mood. for a bad mood. i don't know what that means but i just realized i spent almost a year with a small-minded, petty bitch. maybe i'll put a link in there but there's a post on letterstojulien.blogspot.com that you may find interesting. if you're into that sort of thing. i am.

i have nothing to say. today we were walking every day we walk down the street to the whorehouse and get a bath and a fuck. then we go to the other whorehouse get a bath and a fuck, and people gotta tell us there's something wrong with us. fuck you there's something wrong with you. if you got a problem that means there's something you wanna do that you ain't doing. so fuck off. hate the game.

that's all i got to say except somebody somewhere needs to detail lay out expound on the art i was gonna say science and there's some of that but mostly the art of whoring. there's a lot of shame and therefore misinformation surrounding the subject but john waters et al taught us and we should listen never be ashamed of anything you do. if you did it, you did it. fuck it. maybe it was a mistake. ok. that's no excuse for shame. don't do it again. if you don't want to.

i am merely a disciple the master is the master blaster. the master blaster the upsetter. in true upsetter style if we beg him loud and long enough he will lay upon our heads the knowledge. the knowledge he has so assiduously gathered and kept and tabulated. the knowledge of the bitches. the knowledge of the whores.

all women are whores. what's that? you're angry? are you angry at that statement. that means it's true. how can you be angry at something that's false? is it obviously false? no. then it's true. everything is true. figure it out.

incitement excitement is cool but it's true: what do you want. a ring? a child? a little cash for your ring and your child? what is the cost? what is the collateral. what is the exchange? pussy for a ring and a child.

i suppose there are bitches that don't think of their pussy as a thing to be exchanged but i haven't met one.

there's a tone i've a tone there's a tone that i take i'm the one that you hate i'm the one that is standing up to be knocked down i'm the enemy i'm the martyr i'm saying the shit that no one says i'm the hero the goat. not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. i am me here i am what am i i'm a pen i'm a word i'm a thought i'm not something you bought buy something else.

she called. that's something i suppose. the phone rang. just now. it was aom. the whore i fucked today. the first one. i fucked a whore named aom. like the buddhist chant. i don't know if it's buddhist or what. hindu i suppose. om. sounds like om. that's her name. i fucked her. she bathed me and i fucked her. i fed her yams. she fed me yams. i licked her pussy. she sucked my dick. we fucked. we had a good time. she said she'd see me tonight. not likely. she called. that was not likely. she wants me to see her again tomorrow. no way. i'll fuck who i want. i'm paying. if you want to see me you come see me when you said you would. otherwise no deal. no dice. no rice. no lice.

fuckin bitches. there all the same. excuse me to any bitches who may not be the same. they want to see how much of a sucker you are. if you're a sucker they won't respect you but they'll take your money/sperm/lifetime financial security as the case may be. then they'll fuck who they want whoever turns them on usually the non-sucker. or another sucker with more money/sperm/lifetime financial security. no it's not like that! fuck you. prove it.

what is there to do you want to see if i'm a sucker. fuck it. i ain't a sucker no more. no more being a sucker. i'm through with it. i'm through. you bitches have finally sucked the life out of me. sucked the suck out of me. sucked the fuck out of me. i wanna say fuck it fuck it that's it no more bitches i've said that before. but we always come back around. to the inevitable. i have a dick. dicks fuck pussies. sometimes dicks fuck assholes. if they didn't, there'd be shit all over the place.

i am in a foul mood i'm sick of bullshit i'm sick of fuckin shit i'm sick and tired of bullshit. i ain't gonna take it no more. i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna take it anymore.

ok new idea

2004-11-20T14:24:00.000-05:00

the post time will be the post time. if i know the time of writing, i'll put that in there too. i'm making it sound more complicated than it is. that's life. more complicated than it is.

dirty

2004-10-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

i've got an idea. let's see if i can not write. yeah i was lying there going "i'm not a writer. who'm i kidding?" and i was like i know! i'll see how long i can not write. so whaddyouthink? i immediately wanted to write about that. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! i'm a writer! what the fuck who wants to be a writer.

it's not good for you it's not good for your life everybody thinks you're a lazy slut. i may be a slut, but i'm not lazy. i'm not even a slut. i never get laid. i'm such a fuckin pussy. i'm like "oh no! i don't want to get laid! it's not nice!" fuckin fuck everybody wants to fuck and it's the job of the male to initiate the action. that's how the species works.

fuck fuck fuck i already did that. i wrote a book about it. oh yeah it turned into a disgusting love story. or two. something like that. yeah so then i said no more fucking and i went to china and i didn't fuck anyone and i came back and i fucked nadia. i should keep careful track of names to preserve the illusion of reality but i don't cause i'm messy. i like it messy. i like it stinky and sloppy with fluids and animal parts animal parts?

everytime i think about fuckin someone i get this pain in my neck cause nadia got these hooks in me she makes me think she owes me she i worry i donwanna hurter.

i don wanna fuck somebody else some other body and have to tell her about it we talk on the phone. why do we talk on the phone because we are emotional masochists it's completely insane she reeds my book she's greedy for people sayin shit about her. why can't i write better?

she especially likes the writing about her that is not particularly complimentary. not particularly compli she likes the not particularly complimentary.

if they're not being nice then you know they're being honest.

are you crazy?

are you?

the

2004-10-01T00:20:00.000-04:00

this is the last chance in this reality this is your last chance in this physical world you cannot go back enjoy it while it lasts you cannot go back.

"where are the children now?"

"they live with their mother."

you can't write that you have to steal it. she's a writer. yes, she is she writes poems. and plays she's got a name.

busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy busy.

hi mom. no.

the white buffalo chased me so i hid in the tire.

eat it.

you only get one chance.

the leaves are falling.

wash

2004-10-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

why sleep no sleep no. sleeping tom green is an innovator does anyone remember andy kaufmannnnn? n? n-y-one?

you didn't think of that i thought of that.

did

2004-10-01T00:18:00.000-04:00

which one do i fuck? both of them? all three? yes this feels nice i'm good at writing i write i form the letters i am good at it i write quickly i recently standardized my q's i write quickly and legibly it's what i do.

right about writing, i, write about writing. tom green on the tonight show hip-hop on the tonight show but tom green i love the way i form the letters i form them so nicely. he made frozen hamburgers in the microwave it was hilarious jay tried one it was still frozen. he said "it's still frozen!"

i laughed uncontrollably. i'm thinking about no i really could not stop laughing i couldn't. stop i went to the kitchen but i still could not retain my laughter into the kitchen i'm thinking about making everything poetry. i mean it is. part of it is making the letters nice.

who made up the cursive "r"? it's the most fucked-up letter ever. no one can do it. either they make it a little hump or they make it like an "i" without the dot. my r's tend to be little humps.

it's like a speech impediment. everybody has a speech impediment.

vewy nice to meet you. i'm making a clean break with china "r" after "b" is the weirdest. it's weird after "w" too but i guess i'm used to it. you gotta write something. actually i think i do it most right when i do it i do it most right when i do it i do it most, write when i do it. don't leave out the i.

i

2004-10-01T00:17:00.000-04:00

yeah i like it
being crazy
i like it.

what am i supposed to do it's something 3 in the morning i ain't sleepin i ain't been sleepin at night i been sleepin mornings and afternoons. these lines are small.

i can't do it any more i can't do it anymore i can't what are you afraid of? things should be good. maybe i'm just conscious of more bad let me explain i red this book---the mindbody connection by james sarno he's a medical doctor and it turns out that that debilitating pain i had in my neck and shoulder was the result of repressed unconscious emotions. actually it was part of the repressing. focusing on the body distracts the mind from what it doesn't want to know about. what it doesn't want to face. yeah, freud. so i

all

2004-10-01T00:16:00.000-04:00

she broke up with her boyfriend eve broke up with her boyfriend that's hilarious. i come to town and she breaks up with her boyfriend. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me. this girl is bad for me.

life . . . who are you what is their perception? there's you and the perception of you. i wrote a book and now everything's fucked up. i don't care if the names change i don't care i'm not gonna go back and edit. it's all a time spiral anyway.

this is fiction i descend into fiction nadia doesn't want me to see what's her name? claire? that's terrible if i knew greek i could give her some name name her after some nymph not the goddess of the moon. nadia's the one who loves me.

nadia. it's nice to say nadia. it's nice to be in fantasy. it's nice to not hurt people's feelings. the only way to not hurt feelings is no more fucking. no more fucking, i feebly say.

enfeebled, my resistance knows no logic. i merely have a dull inertia to steer me on my proper course. i hope the path is straight.

i am a warrior. all women are for me. that's the proper answer, right? the male sex drive is cheered along its way? all is forgiven to the one who fell to passion. demure and get no sympathy though actions may be right.

there is no right and wrong there is only what you do.

why do i torture myself? i write, it makes me think and then i don't feel like writing. think and feel think and feel think and feel think and feel. i keep trying to get out but they keep pulling me back in.

i was just about to go on a self-loathing rampage when my pen broke. there's something daunting about fiction free form writing all that lies before you is infinity. always lies before you is an endless stretch of nothing. the reader does no get this feeling. these words continue after every word is another until the end. but for the writer it's always only emptiness. the inexorable tide of emptiness. you keep trying to fight it but it always wins. it doesn't even notice you. chipping away, chipping away every day you chip away and cause no wound. poetry is nice cause it's a thing. you're done. how nice, you're done. and the structure provides a light into the void. and it's somethin i'm tryin a say because this is poetry but it's got that problem. and isn't that good enough? look, mom and dad, i can do something! i'm good at something and i do it! look, world! why so all resisting always fighting i can do it. let me do it. no i cannot let them let me do it. i do it.

and that's just it it's what i do and who are you you can't stop me you'll split in two and drink your coffee i'll leave you alone. haha that's a threat.

i'm merging dream and fantasy i'm merging into fantasy i like it better. it must be for me and it must be enough for me and fuck em all. that's it this is it fuck it. this is who i am i'm wired this way there's no way around it. and i like it.

and i don't like you tellin me what to do.

and i like beef stew but i don't like the jew the jew of malta i haven't red it only the opening speech by machiavel. i did read romeo and juliet we watched the movie the update of zefarelli starring claire and leo. claire is a leo they're always leos what is it with me and leos? yes i know i'm a leo rising yippe-hee-haw.

i'm still thinking too much. happy saturday there may be a baseball game on it may be red sox-yankees. fenway park. still haven't been. why's everything always gotta be about me. who else can it possible be about? this is one perspective this perspective all you get is one perspective i can pretend to write about you or someone else or something else but i'm all i'm ever writing about is me.

tie a bow on this one. and all i do is think still all i do is think at least when i write i think and write at least when i write i write and what do people see? no one sees me do what i do no one sees me all they see is lazy good-for-nothing why is my writing getting smaller? what is up with my neck? it's just pain. maybe i should do some falun gong and fix it up. there probly is a falun dafa group here here is where? it's philadelphia.

how is suhas? suhas how are you? how is everyone? i miss my friends. i don't have any friends. someone always goes too far. usually me. always me it's always me everything's always up to us honk honk it's all my fault.

you

2004-10-01T00:15:00.000-04:00

wow. the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. watch that on a flight from hong kong to chicago in the middle of the night. watch that watch it watch it!

the sun has risen. we helped it. we're over the north pacific where the latitude of seattle and the longitude of juneau intersect. we have gone 6027 miles. alexander pope.

for if, in the course of time, commonplace and impersonal ideas are automatically reinforced while unusual ideas fade away, so that almost everyone, with a mechanical certainty, is bound to become increasingly mediocre, this explains why, despite the thousandfold possibilities available to everyone, the average human being is in fact average.

---the man without qualities, p 121

fuck you fuck you it's all so relative are you writing in the dark i hadn't even started why not turn it on there's no excuse that's no excuse for anything everything there's nothing.

i'm writing in the room next to the room it's only poetry it's only ever poetry but i'm too lazy to put in into lines. no there's too much there's so much my poems are so big the scope of my projects is so big they look like novels. my poems look llike novels. i'm so weird my novels look like poems. i mean my novels are poems. what look like novels are mpoems. what does it look like.

i can't be me who am i i don't know. i'm bursting with i don't know who i am and it's consuming making me insane i'm already insane reality won't cooperate. we create our own if i created this why does it suck it doesn't suck so much what's lunch it's green and mush.

there's something in my neck in vertebrae there's paisley in my vertebrae. spinning a spiraling around together like yin and yang viridiana finally gave up. so what he's dead. i don't want to tell you. i'm not gonna tell you i'm not saying anything i was green and pink. can you dig it i'm so brilliant i'm so good i'm driving you away in total harmony with the moment i'm chris benoit i'm so good at making you hate me you hate me even though i'm trying.

i'm using this pen and i feel better. i'm sick of the man without qualities i hate it for some reason there's something i hate about it i feel like it's putting me in a cage it's building around me. if i grow i will expand into the bars and press against them and ooze disease.

and everything is fine no one is freaking out from me i've caused no freaking out just love it's only love going on my right leg is spasming.

there is i there is only i and i are we and that is love. papermate is back that was papermate but this is right, brothers this is the wright brothers this is the one that will fly. and i will get up and i will spread my wings and i will soar they will be wings of joy the will be wings of beams of joy shining onto you and you and you and everyone. you are everything and everything is you.

my sister is married. it's something we can do in this world society it is a right. we have the power to get married why not? the only one who's good to me is nadia back to nadia despite her tiny weakness. it makes my tiny. her weakness makes my tiny. i used "real" names for a while but that was stewpid i write reality not fiction. i'm tired of making sense i tire of it there's no sense to make actually there's no sense to make. you're the one making sense all the time. you just keep going around making sense all the time it's you're the one. who does it?

when is this written all the time what is the state the state of mind who is the author it's a poem not your mind. it's in your mind i don't mind oh yes you do. you mind. i mind you. i mined and mined and gold poured out black gold and it got you all oily. if you gave out all your oil wells you'd be poor.

what are you gonna do when you're poor, huh? you got nothin. nothin you got nothin. nothin but noodles. and then they coalesce into form. noodles become brains like brain coral. thoughts come out cause that's what brains are for. how can we think if we don't have brains. i didn't write this.

i don't brush my teeth sometimes. they're all used to this exhuberant, happy me i don't wanna be i don't wanna be me. i gotta be me but i don't wanna. time to eat.

settle into what feels right
don't take it easy take it hard
my neck is killing me
i try to relax
soon it will be time for action

why do i write in this pose i lie on my side left foot in the air against right knee left hand propping head with a pillow under my ribcage and the paper diagonally out so i have to extend my arm to write. my write arm.

incidentally

2004-10-01T00:14:00.000-04:00

i'm on a plane yeah yeah i can't complain yeah yeah i'm on a plane yeah yeah i can't complain yeah yeah the old people next to me are very nice. i'm in the aisle i wish i was in the window but beggars can't be choosers. you can't look a gift horse in the mouth. the sun even shines on a dog's ass sometimes.

donna loves the southern expressions. donna loves me. everybody loves me. i love everybody. william is the manager of the traveller's hostel at the chungking mansions in hong kong. he didn't expect to see me again. at least not for a while.

"i'm headin back."

"when are you leaving?"

"tomorrow."

"why are you going?"

"i'm sick of being a foreigner."

we have this repartee. he makes fun of me i make fun of him. or i help him. he's calling me "uncle julien". our antics amuse the guests. especially hiroki, the japanese guy. you couldn't guess from the name that's why i had to spell it out for you. after a while we go to a japanese resaurant. it's fuckin good maybe i'll get the name for you. it's dark on the plane that's when people sleep but the day i mean the night won't last very long because we're headed east. i like heading west during sunset, because it's magic time for hours. but i repeat myself.

gabe comes with us at this point we don't know yet that he's a harvard grad. i ask him what he likes he says russian literature i say wow! and i gush about war and peace. we had this rice noodle cheese stuff. more like rice candy. fried cheese. half cheese half rice candy. two-thirds cheese. it was delicious. also we had this thing with a name and it's like japanese pizza but it's just in the shape of pizza and it's really good like pizza but there's no cheese there's there's cabbage. actually, it tastes amazingly like pizza for how unlike pizza it is. and we had sukiyaki. which is raw meat that you cook at the table. kind of a cross between fondue and korean barbecue. no you cook it all at once. and it has veggies like carrots and cabbage and onions. the sauce is soy sauce with sugar. it's delicious. and other stuff.

we go back to the hotel we get some beers i ask gabe where he went to college he says it really naturally william abstemious the rest of us go get more beer. we walk down to the harbor cans of pabst blue ribbon and some german beer we've never heard of the shit was on sale at teh 7-11 the ribbons had pull tabs.

sit by the harbor what do we talk about my grandfather fought in the war (world two) hiroki's grandfather built ships (world, too). gabe's grandfather was stationed at qingdao the beer is spelled tsingtao he didn't see combat he was seventeen.

where am i going we finished the beers and went back. gabe went to sleep. hiroki went to sleep. william and i smoked hash.

and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. and had a great time his most embarassing moment was when he was six on a class trip he got his feet wet and the teacher told him to take off his shoes so he did. then the teacher told him to take off his socks he didn't want to take off his socks for some reason and everyone was looking at him all the kids in his class. he cried. the whole class stared. i told him about the time in fifth grade when mrs. shelfer mistakenly red my name without the n instead of julien she said julie. i cried and pretended i was laughing so hard it made me cry. mrs shelfer was a great teacher no disrespect.

live it, write it, post it. once for you is three times for me. time for a massage i don't know shut up. also his father died when he was 8 years old. there's a baby crying chain reaction going on they get it from their parents. let me explain. they feel the energy of their parents exasperation boredom anxiety and reflect it give expression to it the only way they know how? by crying.

he massages my shoulders and chest, legs and feet. turn over back of shoulders neck and back. dim the lights. entire back and butt and legs hamstrings and calves. he's very good he's very very good.

turn over more shoulders chest and ribs. and stomach hips and quads and shins and feet the lights go off.

and from the bottom of the legs he slowly works on every muscle til he gets up to the thighs and then he works into the thighs he works the insides of the thighs first this side then the other side he has creative knee techniques he presses with his knee he spends a long time on my thighs he brushes incidentally my dick.

he brushes incidentally my dick.

he brushes incidentally my dick he spends a long time on my thighs the lights are off.

he spends a long time on my thighs he rests his arm against my dick he spends a long time on caresses tip of dick with fingertips.

he works my hips and stomach quads and groin he is in constant contact with my dick he nudges slowly changes its position frees it from behind my leg.

he knows my heart is beating fast my dick was caught behind my leg he nudges edges of his palms my dick around up to the front a bit caressing with his palms.

the cycle spins each moment could.

be.

the end to say a word would break the spell caressing dick he nudges front and up a long time works my thighs.

and up my hips and solar plexus and the pants unclasp and zip down and he holds it in his hands.

the people next to me want to know what i'm doing i'm writing what a report a book. friendly people air force meteorologist then high school chem and physics teacher now retired and wife. they took a 21-day tour around the mainland saw all the sights beijing xian shanghai etc and interestingly a kung fu academy an orphanage and various people's homes. lots of people on this plane are bringing home adopted children. we've crossed the international date line. it's thursday again.

thursday night he held my dick caressed it i relaxed and floated so relaxed with healthy arteries dilated. pumping vigorously floating drifting on a cloud and raindrops hit my dick the tip is wet it's in his mouth.

his lips around the head first in a kiss saliva mixes natural fluid lubricates it's in his mouth. and he brings me to the edge and then he stops and then he starts and then he brings me to the edge his tongue is rough it's like a cat's. and we embrace and gently sad he is alone he has no family to give love when he is down he is alone. he clutches tightly with desire and loneliness in love we hold eachother he would kiss me if i would i wouldn't. each time i hold his dick and stroke he stops me holds my dick and strokes he is so innocent he really has no experience and he would kiss me i won't clutches tightly it's love sucks and strokes roll around touch and hold until finally i sit atop him his dick in my ass crack my back arched my dick is so big it's the monument france stole napoleon stole it from egypt this little chinese guy regards it sticks straight up he holds it with his little hands full of wonder and strokes it and i spread my legs and he strokes lift my ass and he strokes put it down press it down on his cavernous tissue it's hard but it's soft and he strokes and my back with my palms on the bed and it's building i feel it his shaft on my ass and it's growing the feeling he strokes and i know and i grow ever higher and flow ever skyer and throw every feeling away they come back mixed together and everything's everything bodies are love and spread arched pressed straight up straight i shoot. drops fall, on either side of his pillow. a spasm and a shot right in his face and he leans forward and sucks out the rest sucks it out we embrace.

my favorite

2004-10-01T00:13:00.000-04:00

and i'm back in the muslim restaurant. i like a place where i can write. obviously. it's august 26, 2004. the kid is crying and berated.

today i go to hong kong. tomorrow i go home. home is washington, dc. our nation's capital. i think it's corporal punishment. punishment of the body. not to be confused with capital punishment. punishment of the finances. yeah i was watching china business news today and i started to think that economics is interesting. time to eat.

-------------------------

and i am on the train. this is a pretty good system act while acting write while not acting takes away the time for thinking course the thoughts are sneaky they get in there anyway. but i'm expanding my consciousness do you get it every thought must be shared every thought with every one. with every thought i share. thoughts i share thoughts. it is part of the process. i am a warrior. we are at war. the enemy? thoughts. but also not the enemy they provide the motivation for this art i share with you. they move through me to you you threw yihou jiu do.

after you are through you do. you are due. the seat across from me a girl text messages her phone now she regards me she is finished and she's messing with her purse. i may have someone sitting next to me in which case i will have to move my things but we shall see.

i'm flying home. tomorrow flying home united is the carrier i must print out the ticket what do you want, news? detailed details? what do you want?

...

what do you got?

and then i turn to take a break but people try not to make eye contact people hate to make eye contact in this country or maybe it's just me. i miss jenny. i'm guessing the feeling will pass and diana made a very good move in the baseball league surprising the hell out of me very good very impressive i thought she was done i'm not allowed to talk to her about the league i don't know why i just don't understand all i know is don't talk about it but now the love is rekindled. maybe i'll change the names again. or maybe i won't. maybe fuck it all. fuck it all.

the train is moving now it isn't very steady it is difficult to write perhaps i'll have to take a break and wrestle with thoughts. they're fighting harder now because they're scared. i'm getting stronger. the stronger i get the harder they fight. i get tired sometimes but that's the key to fight without fighting. be as peaceful as the water. the surface ripples but the depths are still. there's a lake in eastern russia that is so deep it has a large percentage of the earth's fresh water. i gotta say iambs are the way to go maybe i'll write straight iambs from now on. except for that. no obviously that's ridiculous. but ridiculous is good. we like ridiculous beats the fuck out of boring. shit, what doesn't beat boring? stupid beats boring.

transitions transitions transitions. it's ok to write on a train one must flow lightly the flow is light you can use ob.

bloody bloody blood diana prefers pads she makes correct decisions except she's a slut. course if she weren't a slut she would never have gotten with me sluts and virgins that's what i get.

it's because i'm super-nice what no one understands is i am the alpha male. i'm secretly courting every woman i want every woman forever i don't want your pussy i don't want your heart i want your soul. i am the antichrist. and i smile and talk and make you laugh i'm nice and cute and so non-threatening maybe i wouldn't do it if it wasn't so fuckin easy who the fuck am i kidding of course i do it it's what i do it's so fuckin easy because i'm me and it's what i do.

so you are mine. you're all mine, ladies. my friends are uneasy when i talk to their girls cause they know i talk to them i connect in a way they can't you like it don't you ladies the way i talk to you.

you think about me. you think about dumping that schlub for an upgrade. it's running through your head i can see it i can see it running through your head. you love him but you belong to me. yes. you are mine and there's nothing you can do about it.

so she's fucking this biologist they play go together she thinks of me. i am the alpha male i suppose i'll have to go fuck her. it's love. or something. i've always hated jealousy but maybe i'll just have to run with it. use the fuel. increase the power. where are we going how can we know where we're going if we don't know where we are?

and donna's in canada. she will be tomorrow. she belongs to me. another one to check off the list. virgin. didn't fuck her. no more fucking.

women cover their pussies when they see me cause they fear the giant spiked club iin my pants. it's involuntary they fear it but they want it. they can't stop thinking about it. in the female, fear is mixed with desire.

am i not beautiful? of course you are, baby. of course you are. women are most beautiful with their children. great with child the woman is great with child the woman is great.

air conditioning everywhere conditioning the chinese keep it cold. i can't shake the feeling that we're pumping our air full of chemicals i'm sure medicine in 50 years will laugh at what we do. assuming we're still alive.

i think i could learn cantonese. i'm starting to get a feel for it. i probly never will, though. when i was first in college i used to make big plans one for each major all the classes i would take of course i would be a motherfucker. i slowly had to let them go as i did nothing watch them fall by the wayside bye bye all gone a tale told by an idiot.

i'm tired i haven't had my afternoon nap i'm gonna fuck diana hall when i get home that's my mo i suppose go somewhere come back fuck diana hall. my mojo gets crossed up overseas i don't wanna be the mysterious stranger with whom you have a moment of weakness. i want your soul (i said that before). almost there. shenzhen. then action. i'll take jealousy and turn it into fucking. and then what? is that all i got? it's pathetic. pathetic. i'm pathetic.

and off train walk walk walk china customs walk walk hong kong entry customs walk walk purchase subway ticket walk walk wait for subway go.

it's not really a subway it's a commuter train. hong kong is a city that's really packed together and a bundh of land with nothing. the commuter train goes through the nothing connecting the city with shenzhen, which i guess is a city. something smells like fresh mint. this old dude next to me is sniffing this thing with holes in it. it's black and plastic.

hong kong. my favorite place. i get to see william. i think i'll invite him to breakfast. in the morning. before my flight. lots of writing on the flight that's when the thinking occurs. that's the thing. in the middle of the action, there's no thinking. the holy grail is to write every moment write every action but then there's no action it's beautiful it's beautiful in its impossibility.

it's not on this train the weather report said it would rain here this mint smell is freaky.

you know you could follow the rules because you believe in them or how bout just following the rules when it doesn't make much difference. i was at wrigley field and my row was conveniently located so that every person and their brother tried to go through my row they wanted me to stand up. you can't do this little thing for me they said every 30 seconds and after a while the usher started helping me no you can't go through there but when the big fat guy came up he was let through he was a cop.

i like cops. they're my favorite.

we used to motivate the people by not letting them have anything. now we're trying this luxuries/spending thing it's working out pretty well as long as they use that credit card. keep the people busy. don't let them find out. don't let them find out. heavens no! lest they should find out.

GIANTS: shinnosuke abe (catcher)
hiroki kokubo
______ takahashi
______ kiyohara

tigers: ______ kanemoto
kei igawa (pitcher)
_____ akahoshi
fujimoto.

i love it!!

flight

2004-10-01T00:12:00.000-04:00

i grew up with dave letterman, but i haven't seen him in years. he's on tv now, so i can comment on how he's changed. or not. he's become a dirty old man. i can see why i haven't watched him. he's no longer quirky, he's established. but he reminds me of home.

now it's time for "china news express." the music is taht of a film from the 50's. it's in chinese. god dammit. i'm sick of chinese. what am i gonna do? everything sucks. everything sucks. what am i gonna do?

united

12:40 fri hongkong

print out

write down record locator (bottom) in case something happens.

fri
6 am
6:30
7:15
4:30

what do you want on a trashcan

2004-10-01T00:11:00.000-04:00

i'm sleeping at 6:30 in the evening and the phone rings. it's jenny. i wrote her a letter telling her i'm leaving. and, i don't know, i supppose she doesn't want me to leave. she asked me why; i told her i'm sick of being alone being a foreigner. she asked other questions. where are you going when are you leaving what about your apartment. i don't know she never tells me anything about what she's feeling. if she were with me, i would stay. i would then have someone to share with which to share with which to share. with whom to share. and, lying there, i realized. it's not donna or eve or diana or anyone else i want it's jenny. it's not china, it's the fact that jenny isn't with me. i wrote her a letter from kunming and said "i can't wait to see you." she mistakenly thought i was saying goodbye. she wrote back: why? why? it's the only clue i have that my feelings are returned.

so what do i do? do i search for her in the middle of the night again? do i try to tell her on the phone? do i go back to the states? will i be any better? am i fucked for life? here's the food.

i keep replaying in my head the last scene from an officer and a gentleman. but maybe if i came to her work and tried to carry her off i'd be arrested.

shit, life ain't a movie. it certainly ain't a chick flick. i mean, it would be a stylish move but i gotta think of something original.

what the hell does that mean? what is original anyway? you want the woman, you take the woman. do you want the woman? (splitting personality in 2 for dramatic effect.)

drum roll please . . . i don't know. i guess that means no. huh? i guess that means i go home. i'm standing here writing this on a trashcan. funny what a full stomach can do. clear up your thinking. clear away your thinking. i'm gonna go do internet.

say goodbye to china

2004-10-01T00:10:00.000-04:00

these last few days i've been in a serious funk these last few weeks. i've been in a serious funk. i'm an alien in guangzhou. i can't get past they can't get past it and i can't get past that. i am the mother-raper, the father-stabber. the father-raper . . . father-raper sittin right next to you what do you do you stare. in fear. there is no love. i'm a meal ticket. it's a longshot but a long shot for citizenship. smile and look your best. case in point i write in a muslim restaurant the guy and the kid sit and watch. there's nothing else to do. i'm the most interesting thing to happen today. the kid sings songs. it's nice. there's a nice breeze a nice night breeze the baby's crying. what is he writing who knows who knows.

this is my favorite place i'm a regular here i suppose i'm a regular. the food is cheap and good but greasy as fuck everything's greasy as fuck in this country whay fight it? i'm leaving i should make my last moments as pleasant as possible look at that look at that he's writing! i ordered one of the more expensive dishes i think i surprised everyone i'm usually a cheap bastard.

there are nice things her let's remember the good things. fuck it let's just be here here we are let's be here now. the food smells good. the people at the next table are talking about the white person. they have no idea it never enters their mind that i can speak their language here's the food.

it's fuckin delicious here's the rice i'm gonna enjoy this.

i ordered some fried onion bread to eat the last bit with i'm taking a break. the little girl is watching me red shirt pink pants sandals the boss is watching he asked me they're talking i can't write and talk.

that was great i'm home now italy v. cuba the hottest mamas are in the finals volleyball cuba changed to shorts it's cool they're still hot. the hottest italian is piccinini the hottest cuban jesus how the hell am i supposed to figure that out. number 18 barros has a nice face and she can play number 8 has a great ass and she can hit! cuba took the first set.

at the restaurant that was great the staff came and ate with me. one guy is 20 the other 18 the boy is 14. we talked about whatever they're from qinghai the 18-year-old has been here 9 days. number 12 is light-skinned and tall she's super-hot damn number 11 when they go up gor a hit it's irresistable. what we talked about isn't the point the point is we talked and ate together it was brotherhood. exactly what i've been missing all this time. i got the numbers wrong it wasn't number 12 maybe it was number 6 number 12 is fuckin hot though. maybe the hottest on the team. which puts her high in the running for hottest worldwide. it wasn't number 6 either i don't know. who it was. maybe she's not on the court anymore. maybe it was number 13. this is great stuff i'm writin here. i think number 8 is my favorite. she fuckin hits the ball and she's got a beautiful face and thick ass. i'm just gonna watch. italy takes the second set the pouting face of number 13 is irresistable. irresistible. irresistable. should be the latter. but you never know with this language. this language that is the best. i am gonna show you we are only scratching the surface tell me something wrong with it and i will show you a strength and a beauty like italians playing cubans.

a beauty like a chocolate-covered ice cream bar melted to the point of sliding off the stick melted just to that point and no more. eat now eat it first turn the stick so it stays and the moment has never been better.

me i sacrifice moments and share them with you it's uncertainty heisenberg's principle. you can't watch and participate at the same time i choose to watch and i give it to you. who. live. beyond. my vision the future i live. i don't live so i'll live i don't live. so i'll live. i don't live. so i live.

and now it's time. to enjoy these tall strong women with these big asses i love the way the italians scream when they score.

italy wins the third it was close. puccinini is fuckin hot they also have a number 9 who's pretty hot. and a number 8. it's a good day for number 8's. but the winning number has got to be 12. puccinini. i think the italians are gonna win they got the love they're always together huggin slappin hands smiling in eachother's eyes and italian girls hugging is hot. especially hot italian girls. all italian girls are hot. all women are the mother.

italian number 2 is hot as well she's serving. number 3 elisa togut is tall tall tall tall is hot. caterina cruciani is italian and hot she fell in love with me in paris she's from venice. i should go see her. cuba wins the fourth.

what a great match. cuba has the best asses. best cuban asses: #8, #18, #11. #11 is hot all around, much like #8. #12, also very nice. it's apparently now match point for cuba. is the fifth set only played to 15? that would be kind of weird. the italian women beat the us in water polo today with 2 seconds left that's it cuba wins it was weird it was like the american girl ignored the ball at the end of the game and an italian picked it up pass score! the italian goalie was very good.

field hockey on channel 10. steeplechase in ten minutes. i love the steeplechase. you're tired as fuck from all that running and you gotta jump over these giant hurdles. and sometimes there's water! whoever made up the steeplechase was a genius. china wears these cute little skirts in field hockey. they're throwing something on channel 9. javelin. the khazakstanian is unhappy with his performance.

women's pole vault. women who can pole vault are hot. alejandra garcia of argentina cleared, screamed. here comes the steeplechase. 3 spaniards! 3 kenyans. one american, daniel lincoln. go daniel! he ain't got a chance.

and they're off. i can't stop writing because i think of my reader. and who is my reader? me. we are all one person. the first me to tell me was quantum and then i saw it everywhere. the clues are everywhere. the clues are everything. everywhere, everything is a clue.

did i write about the women's 5,000? i can't remember. they were all in a clump, extremely slow, for a lap and a half. then the chinese girls took off. after that it was a normal race. ethiopia finished first and third. kenya second.

kenyans are 1-2-3 right now. then qatar. then morocco. now a spaniard is fifth. qatar is in third. morocco back to fifth lincoln is seventh! the littlest kenyan is in front and he looks good. final lap. woo the spaniard closed in. the kenyans keep switching back and forth. it's a kenyan sweep! the dude woulda set an olympic record if he hadn't been blowing kisses. ezekiel kemboi. lincoln finished 11th.

donna, what should i do?

2004-10-01T00:09:00.000-04:00

blogger ate my post. does the writing drive the depression or the depression drive the writing? maybe both. a vicious cycle. it's swimming tonight and i've got a chocolate-coated ice cream and a snickers. my neck is killing me.

----------------------------

i'm right---here---in china and there's nothing to do here. where do i want to go? philadelphia. philadelphia's the first thing i wrote. it has eve. eve is in philadelphia. anna and i could make movies. i could work at the school with dan and eve. i could stay with anna and dan until i had enough money for a place.

philadelphia. there's also washington, dc with my folks that would be nice i like my folks i could halp my dad make money he's always wanted me to use my math on stocks. it wouldbe something we could do together. somehow i'm not feelin it. eve. eve is the reason. eve makes me wanna settle down.

everybody looks at me as they walk by. i look at them they look away. everybody looks at me they spit hock up a loogie that's what i think of you the men grab their women to protect them from my evil glance the women grab their children to protect them from my evil corrupting ways old women give me looks of disapproval we have a long way to go. we have a long way to go. we have a long way to go before we start getting along.

this guy is here and he doesn't want me to sit here. he would like the foreigner to move he's doing his job maybe he'll get a police officer this could be interesting but but but but but fuck it. i will go . . . somewhere. where will i go? i don't know. maybe i'll go to the bookstore. why not.

pow = how hard

hrp 23p 1bp => g/f

smash hits = hr, 23, 1b, depending on g/f
and outs.

then weak contact.

what percentage of singles are smash hits?

how hard and how fly?

hitter pow, pitcher pow, normal distribution

f(h,f) = (hrp,23p,1bp,oup)

obviously oup = 1 - hrp - 23p - 1bp

maybe weak contact = 1 - 2(hrp + 2(23p))

ie there is one line drive single for every 23.

smash hit % = x(hrp) + y(23p) + z(1bp)

hr
23
l1
w1
lo
wo

deep fly?

df ------>o ---->incl. high pop fly
--------->hr
--------->23

ld ------>23
--------->1b
--------->o

wc ------>1b (bloop, speed)
--------->o

depends on pow and angle 1/(g/f)

sl slap slp = slap %

angle depends on pow, hrp, 23p, 1bp

ideal hr/23 = 10pow ?

bonds 55 2xx pow = 250

35/20 .25

30 li

li indicates that (in regard to what it denotes), it will be advantageous to be firm and correct, and that thus there will be free course and success. let (its subject) also nourish (a docility like that of) the cow, and there will be good fortune.

1. the first 9, undivided, shows one ready to move with confused steps. but he treads at the same time reverently, and there will be no mistakes.

5. the fifth 6, divided, shows its subject as one with tears flowing in torrents, and groaning in sorrow. there will be good fortune.

6. the topmost 9, undivided, shows the king employing its subject in his punitive expeditions. achieving admirable (merit), he breaks (only) the chiefs (of the rebels). where his prisoners were not their associates, he does not punish. there will be no error.

31. hsien

hsien indicates that (on the fulfillment of the conditions implied in it), there will be free course and success. its advantageousness will depend on being firm and correct, (as) in marrying a young lady. there will be good fortune.

no more olympics

2004-10-01T00:08:00.000-04:00

friday

i was gonna write the final score but forgot to. check the internet. there's no reason to learn facts anymore. the internet is an extension of the brain. it's a global, shared brain.

i have nothing to read. i have a desire for good literature. i'm not writing i'm thinking. fuck. think or not i have to write. shakespeare would be nice. that would be nice, if i had some shakespeare. i could buy one. a play. boodstores have don't have much but they do have william. i'm attached to the bevington edition, though. i don't need it anymore. i know bill's style.

five o'clock and all's well. still no sleep. i have energy. it's nice to have energy. the canadian school really took it out of me. i sacrificed my health for money, much of which was not given to me. i have to let it go. from now on when people ask about it i'm gonna say "it didn't work out." they're not gonna make it. they keep trying to expand and expand and their teachers leave as soon as possible it's a house of cards it's gonna come down. i wish them well.

so yes nothing to read reed i'll have to write. it still feels forced to write "reed" instead of "read" maybe i'll drop it. or maybe i'll extend it maybe i'll spell phonetically more. i'll never completely settle my style that's my style always playin always experimenting. but it should be reworked. the spelling. actually maybe not. because the special feature about english is it's the borg it assimilates all else but if you standardize phonetics you reduce assimilation.

i said "america is rome" to pawil he said no because america must still ask europe for things still must negotiate with china but that's bullshit america does whatever it wants. anyway that's not even the point the point is where old rome did it militarily new rome does it economically. it's the same thing, really. just a level of abstraction: we keep raising levels of abstraction. more and more symbolic. less and less concrete. less touching with hands. more touching with words and computers and bank accounts. a bank is a store of arms. cash is the weapon. you stream it from your hands and annihilate all that lies before you. business is warfare. it takes money to make money.

usa

2004-10-01T00:07:00.000-04:00

these olympic basketball refs are idiots. they fall for every act, they're terrible with blocks and charges, and they never see the instigation, only the reaction. still, there's no reason the usa shouldn't win gold. tim duncan, allen iverson, stephon marbury, lamar odom, and shawn marion are running wild on australia. but they're only up by 1. sometimes the shots fall, sometimes they don't.

the shots are falling for australia. 67-65 they're up by 2.

now it's wade, jefferson, james, duncan, and marbury. 6 point run. 71-67. boozer not jefferson. lebron james is a motherfucker. 77-70. this game is over.

girls' individual all-around

2004-10-01T00:06:00.000-04:00

svetlana khorkina is a fuckin professional. she's a phenomenon. way taller and way older than any other olympian. she posed for russian playboy. i'd like to see it not because her body is hot---emile lepennee just stuck a landing on uneven parallel---but because her mind is hot. she gets up there and with absolutely no bullshit executes the most graceful moves you've ever seen. no wasted motion. only beauty. she floats. i wish my writing were that good.

maybe you're wondering how you can appreciate someone's mind by looking at playboy. you have much to learn.

little elena gomez flipped up on to the balance beam and flipped around like a little flip-bug. wang tiantian . . . these little girls are amazing.

commercial . . . china's men's basketball is getting whipped by argentina. yao ming is playing like a pussy. this international basketball shit is ridiculous. they need a normal court, with a normal lane.

back to the girls. little nicoleta daniela sofrone or whatever just nailed the bars.

here's carly patterson. she's really got a chance. at gold. also she's the hottest chick on the floor. graceful and confident on the bars.

zhang nan also not bad on the bars.

here's svetlana. chalking her hands. nonchalance. perhaps a little overconfident . . . wobble on a handstand---but she flies at such crazy angles with such mastery . . . step on the landing . . . 9.725.

every olympics you see new moves. courtney kupets, fine job.

alina kozish is on the beam. when they flip and turn sideways that fucks my shit up. oops. she fell on the landing.

allana slater on the floor. my favorite floor will always be mary lou in 84. it's definitely weird that they play music. 9.35.

little anna pavlova. beam. she's got a great name. what's in a name? grace. great routine. 9.65.

sofronie.

carly patterson. on the beam. i think she's great.

khorkina on the beam. solid.

stefani bisnipikou. wow. she is the tiniest little gymnast i've ever seen. but she's all business. this is great.

nicoleta had a quality beam, and anna pavlova on the floor. i like pavlova a lot. she had one particularly stunning tumbling pass.

after three it's patterson khorkina pavlova. my writing has been prophetic.

pavlova will vault. khorkina floor. patterson floor. here's zhang nan on the floor. she's 4th. good tumbles. good movements. second tumble: quality. she dances and spins. third tumble: not bad. quality performance: 9.6.

khorkina. she does difficult moves and she rips em off like a machete through the jungle 9.562. not her best.

kupets. lots of spirit. she stepped out once. whatever, she's great.

here's anna. anna and carly are shakin around tryna stay loose. ok here's nicoleta. on the floor. very nice second tumble. little wobble on a spin. graceful. nice finish.

ok here's anna on the vault. very nice.

carly. two hot tumbling passes with hot swing accompaniment. frenetic movements another great tumble. and a strong finish. she may have won it. pavlova didn't: 9.425.

9.712 that's it. carly patterson is now a household name. anna's crying. khorkina is smiling graciously.

little carly patterson is waving to the crowd. the new olympic champion. zhang nan is third. khorkina second.

america, russia, and china. three little girls representing the most powerful nations in the world. maybe russia's time has passed. but maybe it will rise again. we shall see. china, obviously, is getting stronger and stronger.

friday, 1 am

2004-10-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

sometimes blogger's good to me and sometimes it fucks me. fuck. you can see why women don't like the term when applied to them. when they are the objects of application.

the application process is difficult you must look nice dress nice have lots of experience it all depends on who you know you know who you know who.

this paper is falling apart i can't keep sitting in front of a computer for hours trying to make blogger load. i don't know what i'm going to do. get out of this fuckin country i guess.

object

2004-10-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

tuesday, august 17, 2004.

i'm gonna start dating everything correctly. it may or may not work. i've tried it before. but anyway it would be nice if the date on the blog corresponded to the date of the (fictional) event of which i write.

it's morning in hong kong. i'm at the chunking mansions. wong kar wai is proud of me. last night, i saw kim, here at the traveller's hostel, on the 16th floor. she talked too much at shantel's party.

i wanna fuck bai yun.

i been hangin out with jakub, from poland. a lawyer. earnest, sensitive guy. we happen to be going to guangzhou on the same day. so we'll travel together. he's meeting a friend. they'll stay with me. i can stay with jakub in warsaw. i would like to. he has a cold. he's still asleep. it's ten-thirty. he sneezed. i think he's waking up.

today i get my visa. i fuckin hope so. yes.

the guy that runs the place is william. early 30's but won't say how old he is. jakub is awake. maybe late 30's. he's here now. he gave me a processed angel-food cake. layer of cream. i'm william's favorite.

he's a masseur. he's very good. he wants to fuck me. now the story gets interesting.

william has trouble being serious. he's seen and heard everything before, and he's tired of it. so he doesn't wanna listen to anything you say. also there is deep pain or regret hiding somewhere, which he masks by acting like a clown. he was hurt by someone close to him when he was young.

so i ask him where i can get good food. he laughs makes a joke he's very funny. he's good at what he does. i know it won't get me anywhere but i ask him what's the best indian restaurant in chungking mansions. ha ha ha.

chunking mansions is a 16-story labrynth of hotels, apartments, shops, and restaurants. most of the restaurants are indian. also there are pakistani and nepalese, et al. there are 5 elevator shafts, each with a pair of elevators. no two elevators go to the same place. the ones that are next to eachother only stop at every other floor. only 5 people can ride at a time. the place is a fuckin zoo. giant lines develop at the elevators, maintained by security guards. the stairways are stained with blood.

it is in the center of chaos. madness spirals out into neon-plated kowloon. you're seen the pictures. the first four floors of every building are shops and restaurants. and two levels of basement. space is at a premium.

so william walks in and says "you wanna get some lunch?" ok we go to a dim sum house it's fuckin delicious. jakub comes too. bitter melon shark fin soup tofu skin dumplings shrimp dumplings crispy fried noodles with ostrich and black bean sauce it's fuckin delicious. i said that already. jakub goes to the internet cafe. william and i are all of a sudden best friends we watch the sixth sense. lots of fun. later we get bread and meat and cheese from a deli and have a feast the meat is salami the cheese is edam and gouda the salami is hungarian and milano and we had foie gras. then we watched a terrible movie called the awakening starring robert deniro greg kinnear and rebecca romjin-stamos.

before dinner he gave me a massage total neck, back, shoulder and worked the legs some. totally professional and it felt amazingly good i have this chronic neck and shoulder pain which was completely relieved. we went down to the deli and i was floating.

after the movie he starts workin on my feet. reflexology. does both feet. turns me over does the back. turns me over does the front. turns me over does the legs . . . he goes all the way down the back, hips, butt, legs . . . it's a real massage it's not fondling maybe he gets off on it but i don't care my muscles haven't been this relieved ever.

back over to work on my front. at this point i'm feeling a little weird but i'm too relaxed to react because before he turned me over we were talking about almodovar and he tells me about talk to her where the doctor or somebody rapes the woman in a coma and that was my clue but this massage is helping me big time and i'm not thinking straight. he's massaging my shoulders and chest they do that it's called a full body massage and he's straddling me. he's working particularly hard on my shoulders it's a problem area for me and he sits on my lower stomach for a second. ok whatever then he moves to my ribs it's a very good massage but this time he sits on my crotch i mean right next to my dick. and he starts to press his ass into my pelvic bone as he works into my ribs all in rhythm and at this point i raise my hands. he gets off to his knees and keeps working i say i gotta take a break. so i don't know maybe he didn't realize maybe he just wanted to see if i wanted to fuck him i don't know i don't hold it against him we talked for a few hours about life and deep subjects he has lived in this life taken swigs from the cup you can do what you want and he knows it and here the story ends.

the heart

2004-10-01T00:03:00.000-04:00

i keep planning to leave but not leaving. i was gonna bring paper on which to write but fuck it i'm just gonna write. i'm hungry. that's the main reason to leave. also i need socks. but i don't need socks until i leave. aaaaaaaaaaah! aaaaaaaaaaah! leave.

yeah i'm staying at the glorious chung king mansion ain't it the best. right in the heart of madness. i like to be in the heart of madness. there's a cute french girl what the fuck am i talking about swiss named marie but i don't wanna fuck her. girls don't know how to act if you're nice to them and don't wanna fuck em. i don't have time for that shit.

the problem is girls find that when they like someone and are nice to them they end up having sex.

it's a thorny problem. having been buffeted and thrown about the ship retreats to harbor, thereafter taking short day trips, never losing sight of the coastline.

at this point in my notebook is a diagram depicting the polish revolt against the germans at warsaw. 1944.08.01 and 1944.10.05 are important dates. there is also a diagram of the neighborhoods of chicago. i met a polish guy. that's what we talked about.

oh, fuck you

2004-10-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

and waduyuno it's friday the thirteenth. it's 3:10 in the afternoon i haven't slept in 29 hours i was supposed to be home by now, comfortably asleep with pleasant dreams about my new one-year chinese visa. instead i ran around all day crossing back and forth on ferries trying to figure out what the HELL is going on and i am now getting a one-month visa for which i have to wait till tuesday. and it costs $350 HKD. i will my fate. so it's hong kong holiday yeehaw i had a steak for lunch a steak that bad never tasted so good. it was actually fine. oh and i did doze a bit at the harbor last night. as soon as this is over i'm getting a bed at the chungking mansions. i'm going to say "i would like a bed." i have to call a man. she's probly worried sick, and i have to send my real mom an email. they better not give me any shit at the guesthouse (about my lack of passport.)

so what happened? i took the 7:30 ferry to wanchai (neighborhood of hong kong island) and made sure to find the visa office. i wanted to be there when it opened. i had a bad breakfast at the happy fast-food house (in chinese the name has a ring), walked around, had a bad mango shake, and got in line 15 minutes before the nine o'clock opening. i was eighth or something. a nice muslim told me all i need is a picture, my passport, and money, so i'm doing great. everything is proceeding swimmingly. i'm gonna drop this shit off, pick it up in a few hours, go home, and go to sleep.

we go in. the guy says oh no you can't get a one-year visa the best you can do is a month. mr arabic (at first i thought he was russian) says oh just go to a travel agent. back to the ferry. get a newspaper. walk across town trying to find a travel agent that a)does visas and b)isn't a rip-off. finally find one on the east side. oh. we can't do us passports. fuck fuck fuck what the fuck! i get different stories from every motherfucking body. collapsing from heat and exhaustion i decide to go to the us consulate to see if anybody knows what the fuck is going on. that was a waste of time. i rest in a park for a minute to mull over my possibilities. i am barely conscious. i decide to check out another travel agent. i took a ferry on my way to the consulate so i'm back on the island, but in a different place. i walk to wanchai. damn it's hot. i get to the street it's on and realize it's on the other end. i see the steak. game over.

the us fucked with chinese visas and china got us back. they're vindictive motherfuckers. but fuck this bullshit. i am not going to hong kong every month for 3-5 days. that is fuckin ridiculous. fuck it. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i take it one day at a time. the rate of people at the windows is much faster than the rate at which the numbers change. there's my number. i pick it up tuesday. $390 HKD.

here comes the sun

2004-10-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

the morning star has told us where
the sun will rise as ships move in
and out of hong kong harbor day
has dawned it's magic time

appropriately i sit on
the avenue of stars i know so little of these such important people.

i see the locals walk and put their hands inside the hands along the walk imagining the feeling being them.

imagine if you could imagine fame contained in those you can't imagine that's just it you can't imagine it.

but still we eat the food and it tastes strange the language can't convey our feelings faces are expressionless we take offense when none is meant as far as we have gone that's where we are but still we try.

sometimes we make it all the way we share a feeling there it is we take a bite god damn that's good and we have broken for an instant we have hope to break again that boundary strange so out of reach that watches as we strain and strive sits mocking us but we will beat it we will overcome through force of will and love will show there is no strange there is no strange we all are all in all is love we are in love.

michelle yeoh
wong kar wai
jet li
chow yun fat
tsui hark
jackie chan
sammo hung

time out

2004-10-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

ok here's what we're gonna do: i got all this shit i wrote all over these notebooks and i'm gonna put it here. i've been dating it recently but there's a bunch of shit i didn't date so that's all gonna be october 1st.

other shit goes on death has not touched us.

this message was written november 15th.

bread and mayonnaise

2004-09-16T03:49:00.000-04:00

my mind is flowing these kids can read i'm gonna teach them english i'm gonna make pattern sentences they're gonna repeat them they're gonna learn.

also i think about baseball:

conav:
current formula: 1/4 + 1/2pow
weak contact = 1/4
hard contact = 3/4

predictor should be pow + pow/x + 1/y

xbp should be 23p

home runs are the most constant

smash hits = (hr + 2/3(23) + 1/3(1b))/(ab - k)

deep flies and line drives

bloops and grounders

predictor for home runs on contact

give me the ball. ---cup, et al
here you go.
thank you.

can you open the window?
sure.
thanks.

do you have?

deep drive: 1/2 hit 1/2 out
line drive: 2/3 hit 1/3 out

(at this point there is a diagram consisting of a circle divided into 4 parts: deep drive, line drive, bloop, and grounder and two axes crossing through it: hard/weak and fb/gb.)

put the chair on the table
put the cup on the chair
put the chair under the table
put the cup under the chair
put the _____ in the cup
take the _____ out of the cup

---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------
| (there are boxes here)
---------------------------- (space) ----------------------------

this is a table --- this is a chair
--------this is a cup---------

the ______ is on the ________ ______ under _______

my name is _________.
nice to meet you. my name is _________.
nice to meet you.

(more boxes)

he is tall -------short

-------fat ---------thin
skinny

i am ___________ you are ___________
he is ___________ she is ___________
we are ___________ they are __________

am/are/is

______________ is happy/sad/angry

tired
busy
relaxed

what would you like?
i would like _________.

everything gets written down. i morosely tell myself i don't feel like it i don't feel like writing but that's just wallowing in self-pity. hanging on to the pain not letting it go not getting anywhere i'm writing too slow. what do you know? the canadian saga is over winnie won she screwed me i have to go to hong kong tomorrow or the next day to get a visa.

i don't wanna move. i don't wanna do anything. i want someone to be nice to me. i wish my mom would call. she's not that kind of mom, though not the don't worry honey everything will be allright kind of mom i've never been that kind of kid, though i've never let anyone comfort me i've never let anyone me depend on them. one time i broke down to jaimie i said "i don't think i'm gonna make it." it was true i didn't think i was gonna make it i was tired. i had a lot of work to do. she held me. women are the best. tenet #1 all women are the mother where's donna? i should call donna she wants me to call why don't i call? uncertainty? uncertainty about do i wanna fuck her? inability to let someone in let someone comfort me let someone be nice to me? i want to be nice to everyone but i don't let others be nice to me. usually when someone is nice it's because they want something. i'm a suspicious character. people are all the time seeing my hidden motives. i red my poem to donna and she was so moved so happy it was good it was a pure expression of love i'm glad i did it. i was gonna publish it but i tore it out and gave it to her because it's hers not yours it's for her it's a gift do you get it? no, she does. she'll keep it forever maybe it'll appear one day. after my death. after i get famous. you're famous when you're dead.

what if i call donna what are we gonna do what am i supposed to do? cry on her shoulder? i haven't touched her we don't touch. what's she gonna do come over here? for some reason that's a sensitive subject prob due to the uncertainty. what am i gonna do? i put on my pants to go out i was gonna buy cookies and chocolate ice cream or maybe smash meat but what am i gonna do i don't wanna eat that shit and there's no fresh bread anywhere in this city. give up on fresh bread. can't bake it no oven. could try other weird kinds of bread in the wok don't know what i'm doing but why not? maybe i'll just go home. where's home? i don't know. maybe i'll go to india. what a waste though to live here only two months after paying for 5? ultimately that cannot be the reason for the decision but there is a ridiculousness factor. i want to live on a farm in the south and have tea on the veranda in the afternoon tea not for the tea but for the cucumber sandwiches and i want feasts of turkey, lamb, and roast beef. pheasant---why not?---ham, sweet potatoes. mmm, sweet potatoes. i wanna kill somebody and eat good food. buttered rolls. i'm in agony! i'm creating agony for myself. what to do what to do what to do . . .

i write because i can't talk. i can't talk because i write. i drop the pen and it makes marks. i move the pen and reed it look at that! i reed it first then you i get to reed it first. fresh out of the oven! i want to go to any western country and eat bread and meat. they don't cook meat here they don't know how to cook meat they always cut it up. you have to cook it first to lock in the juices they don't know the first thing about meat. what's so special about chinese food? i at the moment can't figure it out. pork buns and dumplings, they got something there. grandma's spicy tofu . . . they do some things right. everything's bite-sized. i don't know if that's good or bad it's convenient. but then you don't get steak. they do have roast duck in beijing i hear it's nice. i had it in new york crispy style it was good.

what is it though that disinguishes? the food is obviously way different. everything in china is bathed in oil. and lots of msg. there are no sauces, really. all the flavor is put in the food when it's cooked. vinegar, soy sauce, oil, water, are always being tossed in the wok. high heat everything is scorched. i kind of want a plate of meat. but with what? rice? noodles? i'm so sick of rice i haven't even been eating that much of it i could go get some pork buns i love pork buns i wish i knew how to make chapatis. i suppose i better eat. i'm obviously hungry. i have spinach here and watermelon that's not gonna do it. it's like spinach. kind of. last night i cooked up some bitter green leaf with egg and the rice was brown and crispy on the edges which i love i had a feast. i have cucumbers, too. if only i had bread and mayonnaise they probly have mayonnaise at the friendship store i can't believe i'm jonesin for mayonnaise. anyway it's nine o'clock prospects for pork buns are dim but i'll find something. still tired not as crushing the rage today seems to have helped. we'll see.

i'll bring you with me. no need to be alone.

yes, that's it! i can't call donna because i'm afraid to be unhappy. i'm afraid to show my misfortune. why? is it for fear that i'll be rejected? fear that i'll be left alone i can be alone look! and i'm alone.

here on the corner on shui yin lu there's a couple of auto shops. almost 10 o'clock and they're bustlin away everyone's hustlin and bustlin tryna make a buck. it's sickening and it's beautiful. restaurants people sit outside the southern city comes alive at night. it's too hot in the day summer nights i love those southern summer nights i want to play basketball and go swimming i want to stay up all night and order pizza and play basketball to stay awake and eat the pizza and fall asleep in the dirt by the court. i want my body to stop hurting. it hurts when i write. i wonder if writing's the cause would i give up writing to stop hurting. i suppose not. that is inconceivable to you it is inconceivable to me to not write. yes, stare at me as you walk by i'm white and i'm writing on paper. can you belive it? can you fucking bellieve it? i should call donna. she loves me.

"you are a good horse."

"i hate to be good."

i don't want anything i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna do anything why did why did why did i lost my train of thought.

all alone. i'm all alone.

i'm so pathetic. but really what the fuck am i gonna do nobody's gonna take care of me and i don't want to either. marriage. i should get married. i tried.

maybe baseball will cheer my up. i'll go check box scores.

here's the secret there's all this crap all over the place all these game reports and opinion pieces but it's all crap it's all complete bullshit nobody knows anything. those that do aren't talkin. the only thing that's real is the box score. watching the game obviously but if you can't do that, the box score. it's the only pure information. it takes a minute to reed a box score. fifteen games fifteen minutes a day you know everything about baseball.

---------------------

now i'm in hong kong. i'm sitting here in kowloon park. it's nice to be in a city that has a park that you don't have to pay for. it's a quarter to eight. i would have thought it was later. everyone here is a couple. and i got no one. here i go again.

i'm here to get a visa. i may or may not have told you that my previous employer screwed me. if i run out of money i can always stay with a man and her family.

"no release of fish or terrapin into the pond." that's hilarious. i'm trying to decide whether to get a bed for the night. probably i will. at the good ole chungking mansion. the place is a labrynth. shops, guest houses, indian restaurants . . . you'd have to see it to believe it.

i thought this woman was alone like me until her boyfriend showed up. it's nice sitting in a park. i wish there were a park in guangzhou. that didn't cost money. and was anywhere near my place. i suppose i can always go hang out at the university. speaking of, i think i must get a university gig.

maybe i should abandon mandarin and go straight for cantonese. it doesn't seem to make sense though, when i'm so close to nailing it down. i gotta get going on this cantonese, though. these mosquitos are killing me. maybe i'm just imagining them.

hong kong is much richer than guangzhou. it oozes money. the women are dolled up. the men are slick and shiny. lots of indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis. i walked by a long-haired, goateed brown dude who said i couldn't figure it out "shee shee" or something until another guy just like him said "hashish" aha! they looked like people i would have hung out with in college.

what is this life here i am i'm in hong kong what am i gonna do? i guess i'm a teacher i got this teaching thing goin i don't know i don't know.

what am i gonna do wander around the rest of my life i think about america i don't have any desire to be there. except to watch baseball i miss baseball. there's these girls sittin over there lookin at me. i'm very interesting. very very interesting. i just want someone to hold and sit down with and say nice things to and walk next to and share life with. stare into eachother's eyes or laugh at nothing touch and play with as the case may be. i'm not picky. i'm not picky but i am very very picky. i don't wanna try again and fail. it can't be anyone from my past. i hope it's jenny.

donna donna donna. it could be donna for so many reasons but it's not gonna be.

jenny i just wish i could look at you once in a while i wish i could talk to you more than 15 minutes every two weeks i wish i want more i want more i want more i want more i'll take whatever you give. i'm gonna walk around now.

it's a pretty annoying park i guess there's limited space they do what they can with it. i'm talking about the city. the park is big. it has an aviary. i don't think i'm gonna need to sleep tonight. i can get a bed for five bucks so there's no reason not to but i might just maybe i'll sit by the harbor and watch the boats and watch the sunrise. i got bit in my foot through my sock am i hungry? kind of. i found a list of english phonemes at the bookstore of hong kong polytechnic university. i copied it down. what are the most common english words? i bet it's on the internet. maybe i'll go log on. there's a free internet place by the harbor. do i wanna eat first? i noticed a vegetarian indian place. maybe i'll just sit here awhile. and think of jenny.

what do i desire? i desire not to suffer. what else do i desire? judging by my actions, not much. i say i want to help people, to give to others, but it doesn't appear i mean i'm not really acting like it. i write. writing is a gift. but i'm not seeking out putting all my energy behind some education project or something. i keep thinking about quietly returning. but i never did anything! i could hang out in belize with uncle george. kick back and live away from life and learn to run the farm help out and sit on the porch in the evening and write. his kid greg's a smart little fucker. my age to his is similar to his dad's to mine. he probably looks up to me. he could spend summers with us and i could teach him stuff.

i have a year-long lease. do i have to respect it? no. i don't gotta do shit. what am i gonna do? i have no idea. am i gonna wait for jenny? tomorrow i have to get a visa and return to guangzhou and meet up with a man and make course materials for these girls that i'm teaching. i'm gonna be tired. i wanna make tapes for them to listen to that's the only way it's gonna work. really they need to listen at home to the tapes i make of the sentences i make this is the beginning of my english empire and come to class and i drill them. i am rather excited i'm excited about this i just wish i had more time. but that's always my story i always wish i had more time. tonight i'll plan the sentences i got a lot of em already i need to figure out what concepts are important i should look in a bookstore there's no need to think of it all myself the work has been done. my job is to synthesize. and refine. refine and synthesize. improve upon. creatively re-combine. my kung fu is the best.

i'm good at . . . chess/basketball
he/she playing the piano
we speaking english
you
they

i like to __________

i like to eat.
what do you like to eat?
cherries, pumpkins, lobster . . . everything!

let's go check out this indian restaurant.

-------------------

the indian restaurant was closed. there was another on the same block on the third floor which means fourth floor this is britain remember but their food was slilghtly expensive i should have eaten there anyway. now i'm sitting at the harbor, on some steps next to the cultural center the whole scene reminds me of sacre coeur i gotta say. people hang out on steps some have guitars there is alcohol. i don't think there will be bottle smashing that little foreign girl has a radiant smile. long brown hair and glasses i don't care if i stare thank you for your smile.

things

2004-09-16T02:49:00.000-04:00

i feel terrible. i ate all these crappy chocolate-sesame biscuits and soda crackers why did i buy that shit?

the guy came and changed the gas meter i also bought these things that look like rice krispy treats but they are so not rice krispy treats. they taste like stale bread crumbs. and they have this nasty flavor which i noticed last night was meat flavor. so that was a mistake. i'm feeling more and more like the only thing i can eat is fruit. that's not healthy, though, right? i need protein, or something. my stomach is really unhappy.

i never run out of things to write. i may run out of interesting things, but i never run out of things.

flinch every time

2004-09-16T02:38:00.000-04:00

4 am is a good time to write. right. what? watched another track meet the hottest chicks were the 200 m. sprinter chicks got the biggest booties. boodies. no, booties. i thought for a second no. let it go so i went to the corner to log on and i what the hell day is it did i lose a day? no, it's tuesday, right? yes. i may have to go to hong kong today. get a visa. it's a distinct possibility.

so the plan is to walk 500 meters not even but on the pedestrian overpass there's this little kid pickin pockets so i follow him for a while he's got two adults lookin out for him. lookin out for him. what am i supposed to do report him who am i to mess with the local economy. they don't like being followed so they stop after a while and let me pass. at one point the kid smiled at me. then he caught himself. i was close to my usual wang ba so i went there. i studied all the hot young shortstop prospects comin up. and i mean young. jorge cantu is 22. jose lopez is 21. bj upton is 20. jhonny peralta is 22 and he already started half of last year. he strikes out too much. so does upton, but the kids sometimes improve. the best of the bunch is lopez. patience, contact, and power. cantu makes contact and this year is his power breakout year but he can't take a pitch. some kids never learn (shawon dunston).

i jumped around just now tryina kill a mosquito. what i gotta do is wait for the bite. that is when they are most vulnerable. i know this but i flinch every time.

luchar

2004-09-13T13:52:00.000-04:00

carlos hernandez v erik morales. great fight. carlos has heart, but erik is the much better fighter. he must have won just about every round. we've seen 8. it's the wbc/ibf championship in the 130 lb division. what is that, lightweight? i should find out. it's my weight class. furious finish to round 9. furious round the whole way. morales is so in control. here comes round 10. hernandez keeps comin and morales keeps hittin him. i'm just gonna watch. round 11 was a bloody mess. hernandez has gone 12 twice, losing both. he's about to lose his 3rd. they're standing here punching eachother. i don't know why morales doesn't run. he's got the fight won. it's over. morales has his arms in the air. we all know what the result will be. hernandez was a flurry of punches the whole time but morales just stood there and calmly dodged the calm before the storm and landed every punch. it's unanimous. morales. now 10-1 in 12 round decisions. 48-1 overall.

now it's laila ali v monica nunez. super middleweight iwbf championship. i think nunez is gonna win. 10 rounds. this is ridiculous. these girls are scared of getting hot. they're flinging their hands in the air with no hope of connecting. everything is aimed at the head. round 2 looks a little better. ali is the better fighter. this fight is really boring though. they're getting more tired jumping up and down than from punches. i find it hard to believe that there is ever a knockout. but ali has knocked out 14 of her 17 opponents, nunez 5 of 10.

are these really the best women's boxing has to offer? i find that hard to believe. it's certainly a much bigger moneymaker to have an ali as the champion. whoa they threw in the towel! i've never seen that. ali is pissed. i guess she wanted the knockout. nunez was just hugging at every opportunity. sucky boring fight.

what i was gonna say though is things are shifting. women are boxing. one day, women will be stronger than men. men will be the nurturers, women will be the providers. the species evolves.

one day

2004-09-13T13:16:00.000-04:00

it is easy to be honest about the past the past does not exist. what is difficult is to be honest about the present.

i am a man of letters.

i keep eating cookies. i eat too many, and get a horrible stomach-ache. i love those cookies.

oh yeah i was gonna say no more fear. no more weakness and no more fear. this time alone has been great for me. i had a productive month, which i feel good about. i don't care that people screwed me in the end. the cookie is so crisp and yielding. people screw eachother all the time. get over it. this is the first time in years i have had time to myself. spend all your energy. i did. now i am re-gaining super-gaining everything i lost and more. nothing is important. everything is beautiful. nothing is beautiful. everything is important. how can these things all be true. it's a simple trick of logic. grammar is logical, thus subject to limitations, but logic is powerful. use it. make it your tool. you are its master. not it you. that's enough cookies for now. nothing really is beautiful, though.

i feel compelled to know for real if i'm any good. of course i will only accept positive confirmation. i mean, confirmation in the affirmative. what would negative confirmation in the affirmative mean?

no, i know i'm good. every teacher i have ever had has said that. my college poetry teacher said "if you keep writing, you'll be in anthologies." i am brilliant and prolific. a virtuoso. all i desire now is to produce.

i used to desire alcohol, drugs, women. is that all? i watched many movies. i was a movie buff. film is the art of the day. now video. but writing is the art for me.

i have loved many lovers of literature. risha, diana. they see something in me. jameela tried to read lorca with me. she loved the image of a "cunt full of lilies." at the time i disdained it as petty seduction, but i must now admit it is good.

so many brilliant women. with talents i wouldn't have thought possible. who am i? someone who appreciates. and knows and does things that are completely mystifying.

i'm working at a slower pace today. i think that's good. i love tolstoy. at once and the same time i can't believe it took me the this long to find him, and i realize he would have been wasted on me in my youth. i pull my dick as i write.

yes i grab the skin atop the shaft and pull it up over the ridge at the base of the head. i miss my foreskin. i have no memory of it, but i miss it terribly. i have always wondered what it's like to be a writer. how is it that one writes books? you write, that's how. when i grow up i want to be an artist and an astronaut.

this is what mathematics stops short of saying: there are three objects: 0, 1, and infinity. oo*0 = 1. from which follows: 1/oo = 0, and 1/0 = oo. mathematics is afraid of the truth, and hides behind logic.

and now i want to marry donna.

who will it be
this lottery keeps turning in my mind
i find i want to live
i want to give eternity away

where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right

for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love

ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say

is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it

you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions

you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart

my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat

one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet

no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun

and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.

i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.

and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.

one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly.

jones 13507421794 0731-4631881

2004-09-13T13:13:00.000-04:00

who the hell do i think i am when there's leo tolstoy? every sentence is a piece of perfection you could write volumes about and they just keep comin. then there's the ones that stop you in you tracks:

as often happens in early youth, especially to one who leeds a lonely life, he felt an unaccountable tenderness for this young man and made up his mind that they would be friends.

i read it and cried. clutching the page, i drifted into sleep.

projection design

2004-09-13T13:10:00.000-04:00

i'm sorry you felt like i wasn't working. the truth is, there has never been a time when i was doing less than 3 times as much work as you. usually it was more like ten times.

that's as it should be. i'm the one who figured out baseball. for the project to exist, i have to do the most work. i'm fine with that.

aziz, i appreciate everything you've done. i just don't see how we can move forward. and i'm the only one who knows where we're trying to go.

hot mama

2004-09-13T11:51:00.000-04:00

whoooooooo there's a hot mama in my building in my staircase. she talked to me. she held the door open for me. i don't wanna scare nobody so i was gonna let the door close and use my key it was dark i didn't knew she was hot.

she goes in but the door doesn't close. she's holding it.

"thank you."

i reach the door.

"thank you." our eyes meet and it's love it's instantaneous sexual attraction you don't know what love is i'm a deer in headlights. she turns.

"useless." that means you're welcome.

speechless i follow a few steps behind i usually bound up the steps but i don't wanna do nothin weird i don't wanna spoil the moment. maybe i can ask her what floor she lives on. nope, i don't. after 2 flights she says "you speak mandarin very well."

sometimes my mojo works! i say "how do you know? you've never talked with me."

struck by my wit, all she can say is "you speak very well."

"nonsense."

now's my chance: "what floor do you live on?"

"the eighth."

"wow, so high."

"you live here." how do you know? everybody knows. what else is there to talk about. that is one hot mama. prob mid-twenties. i wonder if she's married. i bet/hope not.

"goodbye."

"goodbye." in chinese goodbye is "meet again". i love this language.

it's entirely possible that i'll fuck a whole ton of chicks it only takes one to get the mojo workin.

i now reed war and peace.

---next morning---

i dreamt i was in the south: north florida or south georgia. it might as well have been tolstoy's russia, with the aristocracy, and the manners, and my friend kept putting his foot in his mouth talking politics with the mayor. we were on a road trip. three of us in two cars. i don't know why. i went back to sleep. i dreamt of the florida state university football team. i don't suppose i'll get to see their games in china. i'm gonna miss em. go, seminoles!

expectation

2004-09-13T01:03:00.000-04:00

so long i can't believe how long it's been it's 5 o'clock i wear no shoes the light is out i cannot see, there's nothing on the ground to be afraid of everything is scoured by the people sleeping on the street.

no one's here it seems the cops have cleared the people there was quite a group of them they're off to somewhere else.

this is a filthy town i sit here in this patch of park where people sleep who have nowhere to go and lo! no one is waking up those who are up are still awake that's not quite true.

people pulling giant carts of stuff along the road the carts aren't big the packing is.

and venus smiles at me the moon has waned to gibbous waning makes more sense to me than waxing.

mosquitos bite sometimes i kill them.

across the street there is a place where i can get some porridge i'm not even using the right word i guess it's congee. porridge. gruel. i don't know. i'll have it with pork and egg and i'll eat it outside.

don't you see? that! is art that! is art that! is art. that woman picked up that piece of cardboard. this is a good pen.

the sun is rising but i can't see it over high-rises and expressways.

they took the tables inside i can't sit outside.

people stare at me.

i walk by a restaurant. a man grunts at me. i speak chinese, you know. if you want to talk to me, you can.

empty faces staring at me. motorcycles honk at me because if i ride with them they get money maybe a lot. cabs honk sometimes. this one flashed his lights. usually they at least slow down. this city is a dirty hole. it's like an armpit but it's more of a crotch. people look at me and expectorate.

where will i go

2004-09-07T16:12:00.000-04:00

where will i go
how will i know i've found the one who's right

for me it must be three
things: love and love and love and love and love

ok that's five
and no it's one but what i mean to say

is that is isn't fair
to see despair
and sacrifice your life to it

you really won't
bring happiness
despite your best intentions

you must only act
when you cannot
restrain your bursting heart

my hear bursts all the time
it doesn't rhyme
it sometimes skips a beat

one day i'll find her
then i'll calmly know
to sweep her off her feet

no that is poppycock
it must be this: my heart, my head
my balls attack with unrelenting force
until my will is still
and destiny
surrenders
to my hands
the fever rises now
it's always how
and only wow
until a pow
destroys the vow
and shatters bubbled glass
and we begin again
or regain consciousness
with something hoped but never known
with something visualized in corners, dreams, and sailing
flying
soaring in the clouds
and pushing on to outer space
and where? the planets? no the sun?
it is not suicide it's life
it is the only choice
the life we lead is licked
devoured tasted every drop of marrow
fail and you go back and try again
and then again
you'll get it right
and then we'll sail into the sun

and then we'll drift in hydrogen
and then we'll choose our colors
making rainbows
nurturing green plants
it's spring
our bodies sing
the sky is blue
and i love you
i love you too
i love you too.

i really chose a crazy path through all this love for women so much love that i must sublimate all women are the mother into love for all. it's love for all we're going for for all is one and love for one is nice a while you while away the time you love them all what can you do you love them all.

and fall and rise get up climb up and jump! and this time you will fly and float and soar around the ground is look! it's tiny! and the birds will play and swoop and dive and dive and down and pull the ground and pull! the ground is coming sound and pull! you asshole crash! you failed again and now you're dead.

one day you will no! you'll dive and pull up and you'll go and then come back and teach us all teach all to fly. the title of this chapter is one day.

reed reed reed; reed all day. the misspelling seems so artificial, but i can't stand sound ambiguity. of course i love all other ambiguity. my favorite member of the fantastic four is the thing. then they went and ruined everything with the she-hulk. she-hulk should have never existed.

i can't stop reeding war and peace. i'm addicted to it. i keep trying to recapture the feeling of that first time. i sip it slow, like fine wine, brandy, bourbon, scotch! bourbon or scotch? how can i decide? but i don't drink i bet i could enjoy a glass of good kentucky sour mash, or maybe courvoisier, what with all the reeding about napoleon.

napoleon was a great man. the french are right to celebrate him. i can't stand french people.

no, i love people. but someone had to be the french, and there they are. they're so sleazy! i suppose i feel about them the way the chinese feel about americans. isn't there more to it? ugh! ugh! ugh!

maybe i am in love with donna jensen. of course i'm in love with donna jensen. but am i crazy about her? i suppose not. i could influence myself in that direction. you know i've really never been crazy about anyone. i've always wanted to be, but never have been. i've always been in complete control. always. forever. even in my highest states of intoxication, from pain, fear, drugs . . . lust . . . i have never lost my head. i have never understood those who claim such phenomena.

i'm sure it happens.

what am i talking about? yes, donna jensen. is this lust again? i don't have to fuck her now. i can always pick her up later. i'd have to go see her. she's here, now. i could tell her in person. i would really like to fuck her. but i'm not gonna fuck up someone's life again. she's in love with chevi. what the fuck does that mean? he won't even fuck her. he's probably gay. people need their lives shaken up.

"donna jensen, you are mine," is all i'd have to say. she turns me on. yes, she turns me on. sex is important to me in a marriage. she's 21. for five days now. my mother was that young. why do i have to think about everything?

this is all rationalization of lust. my dick is controlling my mind. my choice is clear: act from lust, or do not act. but if i act from lust then there's also bai yun whose third and fourth letters are sitting unread in my inbox.

here i go again, about to make things complicated.

god dammit no more shame! no more weakness! fuck or don't fuck. but don't regret it.

-----

my pen ran out of ink. it was a good pen. usually i lose a pen before i use the ink. or it stops working. i wonder if i can find white-handled blue-ink papermate ball-point pens here. i'm pessimistic. this pen is not as good. it's fine. once we get to know eachother, we'll be fine.

i am in love with natasha rostov. i hate anatole kuragin. i want to save all the natasha rostovs from all the anatole kuragins.

i will not be an anatole kuragin! on the other hand, how do you save a natasha from an anatole except by letting it happen. letting her experience the heartbreak. we learn from our mistakes. but some mistakes take up a lifetime. that's ok. still, i will not be kuragin.

i'm sitting here reading this book afraid to turn the page. end of chapter 14 of book 8.

the answer is to educate young mamas so they know by age sixteen not to be so stupid as to believe a corrupt seducer. se-ductor. dishonorable rogue. rake, as leo puts it.

i would love some roast beef, and egg noodles, and a glass of wine. red. and fresh whole wheat bread, with butter. always the stomach that is most aware of homesickness. my grandfather knew what he was doing. i used to laugh at his english feasts in remote corners. now, yes now. and a vegetable. perhaps squash. broccoli. both. and carrots. onions. mushrooms. gravy.

here i go no shoes who cares i'm writing as i walk i breathe i live again!

this is the end

2004-09-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

nothing else to do might as well write something i'm at the corner of meihua lu and dongfeng lu. plum blossom and easit wind roads. nice names.

it looks like i quit my job. i guess i'm depressed about that. maybe i'm just tired. tired of all the bullshit. so much bullshit. don't let the bastards get you down. there's a police officer circling me. he has a stick. he picks it up and puts it down. he's so menacing.

i'm so tired. this is shit. the idea is to get that stick away from me you fuck face the idea is to write out the depression but i don't know it's so shitty and i'm so tired. the police officer is highly interested in my writing even though he can't read a word of it. i guess he's got nothing else to do. but it's bothering the fuck out of me. i don't like people with sticks. there he goes. no, he's back. his walkie talkie is annoying, too. i can't concentrate on how tired i am.

yes. look at me everyone. i'm so interesting. i'm white! can you believe it?! i'm tired and every day it hurts more and i'm tired of it hurting.

------

ok i feel better. i'm at my corner muslim restaurant and they treat you right. a heaping plate of beef fried noodles for 7 kuai. less than 1/100th of what i got stiffed out of yesterday.

yeah we're having lunch it's payday for me yeehaw party time and melody says you missed two hours so it'll be deducted from your pay. that's no problem i say will it be added to the next one after i make it up? bit of a communication issue but we got it sorted out the answer is no. ok how much exactly does 2 hours come to? 320 kuai. here's the thing: i get paid theoretically 8,000 a month but that doesn't start until the fifth month and that's only if i get the bonus which means all excellents which nobody gets. anyway, the first month i'm slated to make 5,500 but i had to pay for the body check which brought it down to 5,032. i work 25 hours a week but the hours are not contiguous so i gotta sit around and that doesn't count meetings, promotions, and class observations. but let's go with that your average month is 30 days that's 42/7 weeks that's 107 hours. i'm making less than 50 kuai an hour. that's the point sorry it took so long. i get less than 50 kuai an hour and they're docking me 160 an hour for the two hours i missed. why? because i didn't make them up before payday.

"melody, that is not acceptable."

"blah blah blah contract blah blah blah call when you're gonna be late blah blah blah i told you blah blah blah i'm covering my ass."

we take turns repeating our positions mine that is not acceptable hers fuck you after about the seventh time i get up and leave. i'm scheduled for work that afternoon but first i'm meeting donna at 12:15. it's 12:25.

here she is "i thought you forgot about me" not a chance "i'm sposed to have a meeting let's get out of here."

"are you sure?"

"yeah."

we go she's a good listener then we talk about other things. it's nice being with donna she's nice she makes me feel good i wish she were here right now.

2:30 rolls around. "you sould go to work."

"i'm not going to work i'm gonna go get paid and go home."

"are you sure?"

"yes."

i get on the bus to guangzhou maybe i'll quit maybe i won't no need to worry about it something will happen.

here we are canadian international hello tina i would like to get paid.

"you missed two hours, right?"

"that's right."

let's go to the cashier's office here we are at the cashier's office someone has informed the cashier that i missed four and a half hours. tina puts me on the phone with melody.

"hello melody."

"hello."

"why are we talking?"

"i don't know."

"tina, why am i talking to melody?"

"you missed 4 hours something something."

"it seems that i have now missed four and a half hours instead of 2."

blah blah blah contract blah blah blah did you tell anybody? blah blah blah i hang up the phone.

"four and a half hours will be just fine." i said it in chinese because no one in the room understands english.

great the calculations are made the funds are dispersed i get 5,032 kuai minus the 720 kuai penalty 4,312 kuai. four thousand three hundred twelve fuckin ren min bi for a month of work plus 4 days that is it i am out of here i am not doin that no more you can shove it up your ass.

there's a sign on the wall that says check your money so i'm checkin for watermarks and this guy comes in speakin chinese to the cashier "is this julien?"

"yes."

"winnie wants to talk to him."

"i'll get tina."

she leaves i finish checking my money i put it in my bag he laughs at my bag he's the first person to do that i speak chinese to him i go out of the room i go down the hall i press the button for the elevator i go down the stairs.

17 floors i don't care i got time i go out the building there's the back of tina and a couple other faithful employees i go the other way.

i walk a bit. i sit on the curb. busses pass. people stare. people point. people laugh. i don't care.

smoke up!

2004-08-20T11:53:00.000-04:00

reality
is breaking free
i see it be
side vanity
i see it in
side every thin
wide squirming coil
of shiny foil
aluminum
is what you call
it spirals out
of every point
at once about
to pull the joint
out of your mouth
and stick it in
your ass!

stretch

2004-08-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

the key this is a new page this is a new age is to start with nothing. nothing is something. something is everything. start with nothing because if you start with something you never get anything. the thing you never get is nothing nothing is a thing anything you want nothing satisfies and when you never get anything you never get nothing you never get everything. when you never get nothing you never get everything.

i keep writing i hold the pen i see the paper i wait for the mind to start i wait for the mind to tell the pen what to write i've gotta quit that i've gotta let the pen write the mind will echo the pen the best is when the pen writes but it fights the mind fights it's used to winning. i have to train myself to ignore the mind not ignore it i've got to train myself not to worry about just let the pen write because look at it go it's doing it. the author of this book is julien's pen. no more fucking, by julien's pen.

i adjust the paper and the mind goes on the mind goes on and on and on the mind goes on and salmon spawn and i'm a pawn in the great mind-game. no more! i want to play. i never knew i could play i always let my mind do it but the mind will learn the hard way who is boss. the mind need not apply it is the servant of the self.

because the self who is the self you are the self i am the self we are. the self is ever-lasting one is zero times infinity don't quibble only everything is true.

i stop and start and when i stop the mind does not it screams it doesn't like to not be paid attention to it is the mind. it minds. it minds still more when i ignore it when i start the nerve how could he think he can go on without his mind. but who is he see that's just it that's how they get you thinking still you must be still. but still the mind resists the stillness when it's still no longer rules it is the servant not the master it is still. the way to still it finally is to allow it to be free and say the mind is not the me inside the i. and then the mind tries every trick it flashes promises and sickens you with fear. it has no love it uses fear it has no power but you fear it is the truth. there is no fear you feel the love you know no fear no mind controls you feel the love. when there is love there is no fear and there is love mind has no fear with which to drive you from the path you walk with love. still mind no fear with love no tear full speed ahead until you're dead until you live. until you're dead you live to give until you live you're dead until you love to live you give your fear to death you fear you're dead you love you live you give your fear to love you live to give to love.

the cat population is increasing all the time. i feel strangely bloated. all i had last night was fruit. the plum i ate was not ripe. it wasn't terrible, but it could have been better. i knew i should have waited. why can't i wait?

it's raining. it rained yesterday. it's gonna rain tomorrow. it's rainy season. just like in tallahassee. the image in my mind is of the ditch at the bottom of the hill across from leon high school. that thing fills up! with water. (). /

sleepy time again. i don't have to sleep why do i think i have to sleep why do i think i need 8 hours why do i think? thinking makes me tired. i've been tired this week fei chang lei i don't know why i went to bed at 6:30 (pm) sunday and monday. last night i don't know it was 9:30 or something. now it's 3:30 some would say the middle of the but you don't have to how 'bout the morning? meher baba says the best way to sleep soundly is to get up when you wake up no matter what. i've been waking up at 5:45 and saying "i should stretch" and going back to sleep and waking up at 6:15 and saying "i should shower and get dressed" and going back to sleep and waking up at 7 and saying "ok i really gotta get up" and somehow move my body to a sitting position. but then that's the problem i sit there. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. i miss the bus i just can't care i'm too tired to move who are you?

adrian beltre is a motherfucker. he is tearing the ball in half this year. scott rolen, too, but he's been lucky. this is the year of the third baseman. third base is now a hitter's position. eric chavez aramis ramirez mike lowell alex fuckin rodriguez aubrey huff bill mueller won the batting title last year but they got kevin youkilis waiting in the wings watch out for eric hinske next year is the year he puts it all together. there's still some crap cf: the al central but it's like that with every position. melvin mora is crushing at third this year after crushing in center last year and crushing at short the year before. chone figgins is doing fine as a 3b/cf which you gotta respect will troy glaus ever be healthy? he probably will one of these years and he'll murder the ball maybe next year. chipper jones is back at third. and the minors are teeming. teeming? finally there is balance. the gloves are in the middle, the bats are on the lines.

4:00 time to stretch.

fuck

2004-08-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

ok no more of that crappy little notebook. i bought 3 pads of paper. total price: 37 1/2 cents.

dean just called. he wants that photo! "any photo will do. as long as it is a clear picture of yourself."

what is this is this writing? i saw donna today but only for i don't know 45 minutes she was like maybe i should go home and we can play baseball tomorrow. ok but you donh't have to go home or i could go with you i guess you wanna go home i don't exactly understand the whole thing that's going on she was talking about how excited she was to play baseball but then it rained. does that mean we can't do anything? i don't understand but i decided to let it go. no need to be obsessive. i guess. i mean who cares (tenet 2: do what you want), but whatever. so we sat and talked we talked and talked everytime i figured i should go she asked another question or furthered a point why does she want to go home? i guess it was her last day of work she wants to rest. i don't know. i don't know. it's hard being in love and not fucking. it shouldn't be. it's hard because no one's used to it. it's a very confusing time. one of us is 20 years old with a boyfriend and is love with a 30-year-old who's like nothing she's ever seen before. the other is 30 and has seen so many of these fresh-faced young things with eyes full of wonder and here's another one they get you every time. it could be something special. but maybe this one will be special because we don't fuck. and by fuck i mean sleep together naked.

green green grass

2004-08-09T03:13:00.000-04:00

i had an idea i don't want any ideas when i start because that's old i have to have the idea at the same time that i write it the thing is i'm running out of paper. i wrote up the fronts and all but a few of the backs last night good stuff though, huh? and i forgot to get more today i still could it's 10:00 i'm sure i could find some somewhere but fuck it i have a few sheets left and if i really have to i'll write on something. it's not that dire actually i have a small notebook i just hate small paper to write on i like my lines to flow across the page.

flowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. . . .

i saw donna yesterday. it was 2 nights ago that i did all the writing. i saw her today, too. i was on the bus home from work, waiting for it to embark. her bus pulled up and dropped her off. our commutes are opposite. i didn't i could've jumped off and said hi but it seemed weird.

yesterday i saw her in the morning. she got off the bus i got on. she had been hoping to see me she had been wearing grungy clothes hoping we would play baseball play catch with the gloves and a ball. we had both been hoping we'd see eachother. we're in love but she's a 20-year-old virgin with a boyfriend. none of these things would keep me from fucking her if i chose but it would be an act of extreme violence. i'm not talking about rape i mean figuratively. whatever figuratively means everything is metaphor everything is real. i mean she's got this nice neat little virgin life and i would rip it to shreds. i could do it with one claw. it's not her who wants to be a virgin it's her boyfriend. he's afraid she won't want to be with him anymore. the more i think about it the more i realize there are serious problems here. maybe it's just that he's gay. but what if he's not. then they're gonna get married and have a terrible sex life. i don't know why i'm so worried about it. am i that concerned about her boyfriend's ability to fuck her or do i just wanna fuck her myself? my handwriting is turning to shit.

she hated the movie monster and she said "every word was a curseword." she's gonna hate my book. i taught alice some english today and she is so hot. then alice and bonnie (bai yun) helped me with the sleepover kids and they are hot but there's no time for interaction there cause it's about the kids.

constellation is "star seat" in chinese. chinese is hot. chinese women speaking chinese are hot. and i can talk to them. i can go up to any chinese woman and talk to her in chinese and she'll want to talk to me because i'm a rock star. i found amine's number i thought i had lost it i may quit my job there are so many opportunities that all pay better this guy wants me to be in commercials i still haven't sent him a picture here we are now on the short paper. we'll see how long this lasts i hate it already i just crossed an h. diana says my writing is choppier but better i hadn't noticed i certainly hadn't noticed it getting better i'm so modest no it was now that i think about it it was pretty shitty that book i wrote is pretty shitty but of course it's brilliant. you can't take out the shitty parts they're necessary the book must be whole it is. wholly brilliant, batman!

this paper is bad the pen doesn't flow it write stupid shit like "wholly brilliant, batman!" it's too soft writing on it feels like wading through knee-high grass. we had knee-high grass in our backyard when i was a kid. it was great it came up way past our knees cause we were kids. we built forts and tunnels all through that shit.

it's bedtime. good night.

diaphanous folds

2004-08-09T02:52:00.000-04:00

the world is shadow and we think it's real. turn away from the shadow. turn away from the shadow turn away from the shadow there's a third dimension, you flatlanders!

yes it's fascinating the shadow is fascinating we really want it to be real. really. want it.

to be real. we really want it.

take a look. look and see. catch a glimpse. you know. you see. you know it when you see it and you still hold on with all your might hold on to the shadow.

i'm just trying to help.

"help yourself!"

help me help you.

mmm i would love some cornbread and collard greens right now i am not kidding. maybe some black-eyed peas this shit is powerful it's just food why can't we get away from it there's food everywhere it's just as good if mo mo mo went to america he'd wish he had dumplings and pork buns. dumplings and pork buns sound pretty good right now. someone's making them somewhere. i bet i could find them. i bet i could.

i haven't had a pizza yet but it's just a matter of time. it's probably just a matter of time.

i haven't had mcdonald's. i don't think i will. i haven't had kentucky fried chicken. that sounds pretty good. biscuits and mashed potatoes and gravy. i know it's all cheap and shitty but it's all i got. i could make it. it would taste better. i know how to cook.

so the story with jenny the cab drops us off in the middle of nowhere. where's tai he station this way we walk. motorcycles offer rides they want our money we'll walk.

"it's too far to walk."

we walk and ask people where's tai he station and we walk and we ask and it's this way we walk and we ask. it's a long way. it really is a long way. we walk for, what, an hour and a half? in the middle of nowhere where the fuck are we who the fuck knows.

there it is! a beacon of light shining giant characters tai he toll station we made it!

who are these freaky white boys talking to toll booth workers walking up here where did they come from? the police are uneasy i walk from booth to booth. no jenny. do you know cheng jun yan? no nobody knows her. she works here. the police have caught up to me. i show them my page of information.

"oh you want the tai he toll station of the beijing highway!" great there's another fucking tai he station.

we get in a cab. we drive around. this cabbie is a complete moron. how can you not know where the beijing expressway is? how? what. the. fuck?! we drive back we get directions from the police officers. he still can't find it. we've been looking for over an hour. the bill is over a hundred kuai. fuck fuck fuck what the fuck?!

what do we do we go home. we failed. we tried and we failed. we blew it. we're fucked. by which i mean i. i'm fucked.

the next morning i tell her on the phone she calls. she said she would and she does.

"i love you. i want to marry you." one way to ask a question in chinese is to give two options. so i say "you want not want."

"b-b-b-b-ga b-b-ka b-qi b-gi ki g-b-k!" i don't know what she said it was some kind of unintelligible exclamation it was priceless. she spoke english: "too quickly!"

baby we ain't got much time i'm leaving on the train to kunming in a couple of hours.

"i don't have any money!"

i'll give you whatever you want i have an answer for everything i am in top form but she can't wrap her mind around it's too much she's in shock. she can't imagine her life being that good. she wants to hold on to her reality. she doesn't know how to not.

and i'm lying on the floor you gotta pack caesar i'm useless.

transformation

2004-08-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

i used to fuck. what happened to me?

what happened to me?

i'm a woman. i've become a woman. i no longer carry a spear. i no longer stab it wherever i can. i have studied women so much i've become one. maybe i've studied women more than baseball.

it's 2:15. yes it's that same night. i can break it chapters if i want. indeed. i hate that word. indeed is a word you use if you want to sound scholarly. fuck all you scholars and all you fucks you're all secretly afraid you're a bunch of bullshit well you are. i got news for ya. fuck the scholars and the fucks.

fuck it all fuck everybody no more fucking. fuck it. fucking. fuck it. fucking fuck it. fuck fucking.

write it all away. you got somethin you write it away. you don't write it down you write it away. and now that we've opened the channels we know, got flow. there was some mucous in there or something. had to use a snot broom. one of those heavy-duty brooms that you push forward not a dust mop you know what i'm talking about. it's hot. sometimes i turn on the air conditioning i like it when the air conditioning's been on but it's off. usually i sit and sweat.

at least i'm not watching tv. i watched boxing today i always look away for the knockout. i mean, i'm watching watching concentrating and my mind wanders i look away and BOOM

someone's on the floor it's me i'm on a mattress on the floor in the living room i like to be in the living room now even though i don't run the fan anymore and the air conditioning is in the bedrooms. i'm glad i don't live at the kindergarten. that would be hell.

i gotta stretch i got this thing in my neck amine says he's got a friend she'll do it for free then she'll fuck me she's nice amine is a sleazy french mother fucker.

2:30 i must be butter what am i gonna do i'll make kevin youkilis my third baseman jorge cantu jose lopez rickie weeks middle infield there's also jj hardy and bj upton. david dejesus and wily mo pen~a center field alexis rios with the stick i need a couple more hitters no sweat jeff mathis at catcher and maybe dioner navarro. talk to me in two years.

i gotta take a shower i'm sweatin like a motherfucker i gotta hose off. i'm afraid to leave the paper though cause at any moment i could sit up and spit up all over this shit and you'll say wow! like you're watching it which you are. cuz you are. the star. of the show. only you it's always you.

we take cold showers around here cause the hot water is way. too. hot i got sores in my mouth one sore right now cause i bit my lip i got a tooth. on the bottom that protrudes and it chews on my lip no, it's not good. it's bad.

"i always get that wrong."

i have rice. i could make eggs and rice. doesn't that sound delicious? i need to buy sheets. need. villagers cook rice in little earthen bowls individual-size. clara's mother has found her teacher clara's one of my kids her mother is zhang a man. she's a pianist with students whom she wants to learn english i'm artistic she's very excited. i am too. finally some freedom finally some like-mindedness.

maybe i'll quit the whole canadian international gig i keep talking about it sometimes i do things.

this guy dean wants me in commercials i gotta send him a photo i don't know how not that that's an excuse. somehow life keeps goes no time keeps on slippin. time. keeps on slippin.

into the future what are we gonna . . . who? what are we gonna i got to you got to we got to they got to the orange juice is still open. the time is 2:50 the sacrifice is now. don't you see the sacrifice is now? do you want a better seat? we sacrifice our life in this physical world for immortality in the next. let me explain. no, you don't understand. when you write you are sacrificing that time which is your life. the time of your life. then you live on. your words become thoughts they are red they live on they reduplicate fornicate mix body fluids it is the future. there is no here and now it is all wrapped up it is a gift to the future it's love. do you get it?

good.

fucked

2004-08-07T10:04:00.000-04:00

i'm building up all this i'm gonna blow my top not the top of my dick the top of my head. fuck you and fuck you and fuck you i wanna fuck you and it's all gonna blow and be gone. and no more. no more fucking. no more fucking ever again. fuck it. fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. maybe i'll do something.

"you can't go outside you have to put on pants."

i can put on pants.

"what are you gonna do out there?"

i don't know, take a break from this madness?"

"it's wet. it's been raining."

how do you know?

"i can hear the drops. and the cars have the sound of wet road. you know what i'm talking about."

maybe that's from all the women who know they're in my vicinity. is my obviousness disgusting?

"julien lives here i wanna fuck him i'm leaking all through the floorboards if only i knew his apartment number i'd fuck him so hard he'd be fucked and i'm a woman, which is just what he likes."

i need to get out.

diseased

2004-08-07T09:30:00.000-04:00

look at that. it's midnight. i'm awake. i don't know why it takes me this long to figure out what to do. i'm sittin here, quasi-hungry. i'd like a piece of bread of some sort. i could go find one. i have fruit here. it's not ripe. i was trying to look up the word for ripe the other day and i looked up the word for fresh. i'm gonna look up ripe right now. the time for ripe is now. the time is ripe for ripe. ripe that smile off your face.

what we call an asian pear they call a crystal pear. and what we call a plum they call a bu lun. they got em from us.

no desire nothing that's not true no desire is the goal, isn't it? therefore there is the desire to have no desire. but at this moment i think there is the desire for desire. there is still the desire for flesh. it's so tiresome.

i can't write anything decent anymore the longer i'm in this country the more fucked up my english gets. i need to get more paper. that's always my story. i like this paper though the way it's lined i'm finally just writing in it the way it was intended to be written in, but english instead of chinese. i surprise myself when i choose to go with "correct" grammar.

is this a book? you know but i don't. it won't be for a while. it'll be a blog. which is kind of like a book. i wish you could have a blog that put stuff at the bottom, instead of the top. i mean, i wish it were easy.

comin up on 1 o'clock. still this let's call it angst. is that all it is? i should be ashamed of myself. i like to go to the net bar, but i already did that today. the two prospects got snapped up. fantasy baseball, yes. keeper league where you keep young players and you can sacrifice draft picks to keep veterans.

none of this is readable. when i start to edit i just slash. i pull on the sweater and it comes undone. watch me unravel.

i'll soon be naked yes i'm naked any chance i get. that's not true for everyone, is it? some of you wear clothes when you're alone, don't you? what's that about?

sure sure sure blah blah blah i got nothin. there's nothin here. i have this somehow need to accomplish all of a sudden. i gave up on my baseball research project. working with friends wasn't working. was. i don't know. i haven't really written about baseball in the past. are you prepared to believe that i know more about baseball than anyone? not bragging, it's true. define "know". i obviously don't know how to hit josh beckett's curveball. yes i have weird, this page has no lines. devoted more mental energy to baseball than anything else. i have a ba in mathematics. i wrote a book. i speak chinese. none of that comes close to my thinking about baseball.

why? what will come of it? something, right?

what else do i do? i'm well-read. i have an interest in spirituality. i play sports whenever there are people, which is rarely. people don't like to do things.

i have plums and pears (asian), and no bread. i have four eggs. eh. maybe that should be spelled "eah".

i:15. it was 12:30 before. i said midnight because it was cleaner. i gotta come clean with you guys on that. diana, do you really think my writing has gotten better? i don't see it. i suppose i'm settling into some sort of "style". i seem to be more comfortable with traditional sentence structure. i'm leaning on my right elbow and writing with my right hand. this is barely legible.

how can writing be pornographic? i'll answer that question. people are afraid of anything that stimulates the urge to fuck. the chinese government is trying very hard to eliminate pornography on the web. ha! i got news for you people: people wanna fuck. it's how we're wired. it ain't pictures or words or sex lines or chat rooms it's walkin around, living, breathing. get over it. who makes an anti-pornography policy with a straight face? they were reporting it on the news. how can they report all this ridiculousness and not burst out laughing? what the fuck? everybody's worried about being deviant.

i wonder if donna's read my book. i bet not. adobe acrobat is unubiquitous. i'm about to run out of paper. i guess i'll have to write on the backs. mosquitos bite me every night. i don't do anything about it. i'm hungry. caesar, i'm falling apart.

the orange juice is sitting open on the table. the fruit looks good, but i know i must wait. if i eat it i'll feel like a heel. no more paper. i'll get more tomorrow. if i can overcome this inertia. an object at rest. i need to stretch. i'm so sick. and tired. of stretching. of everything. i need i need i need i need wah wah wah wah wah. 1:30. landlord came today and fixed the air conditioning. he called because i forgot to pay rent. if he hadn't called i probably wouldn't have told him about the air conditioning. i mean, i meant to. i had been meaning to for weeks.

"how long have you been in china?"

"a month and a half."

"wow, a month and a half and you speak that well?"

"yes, i am the baddest motherfucker of all time."

wo hen bang. it means "i am a badass." i said it to jenny. she said i know.

jenny jenny jenny what's gonna happen she'll come around eventually but where will i be? literally, physically, mentally, figuratively. literally, hopefully i'll be better than this. hopefully i'll have a subject. there' that's better. i just put a comma in an apostrophe location.

"shot, where will you be put?"

"far, far away. far away from here."

the olympics. the roid fest. yes, get over it, people. people alter their bodies. bodies alter their people. this bodes well. for the future. that's an unnecessary clause to add. to wit, no i don't feel like it.

"are you done?"

"fuck, no!"

tim robbins wrote a novel where a major plotline was a spoon a something and a can of beans crossing the country. it was the most interesting part of the book.

war and peace. just started it. can't believe i've never read it. what a pleasure. to do: learn russian.

i need to fucking get a fuckin chinese book and read it. you can tell how serious i am by how frequently i say "fuckin". i have never read a chinese book. what the fuck is wrong with me? how the fuck do i expect to learn the language? actually, it seems to be happening despite me. i can read again all of a sudden. i was looking in a chinese dictionary randomly. i don't mean a chinese-english dictionary, i mean a chinese dictionary. and i could read it. i mean, i used to could read, but i haven't been able to lately. i guess my brain turned back on.

girls girls girls. do i wanna fuck bai yun? yes. does she wanna fuck me? yes. how can you not wanna fuck a girl named white cloud? is it gonna happen? nope.

how'm i doing, literally. i literally want to fuck bai yun. and her friend alice. she's got these thick lips and this thick ass that's just like her lips soft and swollen oh my god. and alice looks good in tight pants and she smiles she's a montessori teacher that's hot. literally, i'm going down the tubes. literally. i have made it my own. i'm going down the fallopian tubes. man born of woman. i wish . . .

the little girl who works here has no idea how hot she is

2004-08-07T09:24:00.000-04:00

oh: a spiral makes a snail. a spiral makes everything. the golden spiral. what's the differentiation?

i'm so sick of chinese people. i left america because i was sick of americans. no, i left america because i wanted to go back to china. now i realize that chinese people are just like americans. just as prejudiced, just as small minded. the men hate me because i get paid. the women love me because i get paid. it's not even that i get paid. it's that i look like i get paid. i get spit at, glared at, stared at. women giggle and look away. everyone who's selling something is my friend. everyone who's my friend is selling something.

the thing i like about it, the saving grace, is that i'm constantly learning. chinese. every exchange is a learning experience. i hope i see donna today at the bus station.

i want to go to a park or play basketball or eat dinner. i wanna do something with her have a nice time. i don't wanna fuck her. i mean, maybe i'll fuck her. if it happens, it'll be nice. it'll be nice because it'll be natural. i don't even have her phone number. i don't wanna ask shantel for it because i think that would be weird.

working is like a screw in me turning, slowly turning, ever turning.

just tryin to hold it together

2004-08-07T09:14:00.000-04:00

mango drink cookies paper pen here we go here we go again it's a ritual a magic spell it starts the magic can't you see it's magic? who am i in love with today you gotta push through that high. men push through that hymen. i don't know how to write on this paper it's got lines but they're alternating wide-spaced and narrow spaced because it's for chinese characters. i'm fine i'll get used to it. to accurately represent your reality it's important to include bad writing among the good. is this bad? what are you talking about this is gold! you fucking blind pig pg pig without an i. eye---i'm rubbing it my mama told me not to. maybe i'll see donna tomorrow i thought the phone rang but it was the door bell it's that creepy chicken guy he climbs the stairs shakin bells sellin chicken. don't worry diana i call you diana now i don't call you nadia anymore i never did. there go the bells. i live on the fifth floor.

i'm sposed to plan my lessons for tomorrow for next week. i'm supposed to plan a week ahead what 6 things i'm gonna teach 3- and 4-year-olds over the course of a week. an entire week and i'm supposed to teach them 6 things and i'm supposed to plan it. they learn a million things all the time what the fuck when you plan it you can't do that because the key what you gotta do is teach them what they're interested in. how do you know what they're interested in they don't even know what they're interested in one week try one second. you gotta go with the flow i'm gonna eat a cookie.

healthy food butter cookies favourites power selection europe cookies 100% new pure nature.

i'm so superior. fuck you. these cookies are terrible. so is this mango drink. you just can't get good processed sugar in the provinces. i wish i had a bathtub. i wish i had a girl. if i did i would ball her. i wish i had something better to write than stupid puns that nobody gets.

i have eaten the penultimate cookie. i teach english and i write english. i'm an english man. but i'm not an englishman. whoa-oh! i'm an alien i'm an illegal alien i'm an english man in guangzhou.

i've got it made got it made got it made . . .

2004-08-07T08:43:00.000-04:00

i shoule have known better. once i found my muslim restaurant i shouldn't have taken a chance on another. look at me with my correct english. i'm a teacher and all of a sudden i'm all proper and shit. i teach english(!) damn straight. who's better?

i can impress at any time i can throw a trick move in there as i dribble down the field i shoot and gooooooooool! no "a" the motherfucker's spanish but why i gotta explain?

no i'm the best no fuck that i'm the best no fuck that i'm the best.

the chinese teachers all wanna fuck me they're all bitches except the coach but a coach ain't a teacher fuck you.

i'm the only male they let near kids that small they always get up in my crotch when they line up they do that to all the teachers but this one's different there's something in there they can tell.

mosquito tried to bite me now it's dead.

alice it the hottest teacher now it was her friend bai yun---white cloud---with full lips first christina tight ass tight waist tight tits but it's alice she does montessori.

once per two weeks they have montessori class it's not enough they got whole schools devoted to that shit.

watching her teach kids gave me a hard dick do they know do these girls know that while i watch i put my dick in?

in my mind i put my dick in while i watch.

they're teachers i always wanted to fuck my teachers and you're supposed to look at them. and the way they look at children full of love they make love to the children i'm a child make love to me like that.

and every teacher says give me your phone number i'll call you you can teach me english yes i say let's do it.

i didn't want to leave today the kids were watching toy story and alice and bai yun were there and i was teaching everyone was watching me i'm such a fucking stud.

alice and bai yun were sitting staring at me longingly as i taught children english then i left. next time i'll read a story to the kids speak so much better when there's something going on when there's some thing to talk about to try and make them sit up straight is useless quiet.

kin draws pictures and teaches herself english

2004-07-24T14:02:00.000-04:00

there's more stuff i wrote but i don't have it with me i was just stopping by i didn't expect it (blogger works). i just had dinner winnie's got a new strategy she's getting better all the time she wants to make the teachers like her. we went bowling melody shantel dennis winnie me i rolled a personal best 139 nothing to brag about but i'm braggin because i felt it. i hit the zone at the end i'm not kidding it's all a flow if you know you flow. stand back step right foot as ball goes forward swing ball back as step left foot and then you feel it you're not using the muscles in your arm your arm is swinging because it's a line with a weight attached. you step forward the weight swings back potential energy builds up you are in the zone. final step as ball swings forward pendulum and slide back leg cross over place the ball caress with fingertips the arm goes up and straight the hand points thumb straight up.

you feel it most on your second step with the right foot. the weight pulls straght back as you go forward. the arm swings forward and you lower your body to place. the ball. don't watch it yet remember the arm goes up (shake hands with the pin) now watch it on the right side curving in just to the right at first the pin crash topple shake fly side to side velocity is crucial feel it most you feel it most you feel it most. melody's personal best is a 208 but i beat her 2 out of 3 today.

i didn't see donna today.

caesar quit whining and write what have you been doing are you still in bang cock? do you stay with billy goat and mama? what do you do do you do in the day? take in scenery? you supply details and structure without which our readers are lost in my swirls the shortest path between two points is a spiral.

we did the hokey pokey today the kids loved it. cici is leaving today was her last day she never sits still she jumps up and runs around she wants to know exactly. what she can get. away with she's my favorite. i walk she sneaks up on me i turn she screams i chase she hides she jumps out at me she never lets me not have fun all the teachers hate her. she and mom were on the bus today we stopped she made her mother wait for me i got off she grabbed my hand "come here!"

"where are we going, cici?"

"here."

"cici, i have to go home." i tore away her little grip she knew it was the last time we would have.

goodbye, cici.

death rides a bicycle

2004-07-23T05:40:00.000-04:00

formatting these pieces sucks. socrates writes so much better than the upsetter. its upsetting.
___________________________________________________________

meaningful glances on the tv run it through the filter it's cheating kind of they supply a flow and i just let it go what is it that's not art it's not fart it's not bart simpson that's cheating the images are ready-made you're not creating manipulating you're manipulating the image-repertoire that already exists. a priori there is nothing. something comes from nothing. something is everything. this is what i do.

my best friend dan: "you don't watch dvd's, you don't go clubbing, you don't drink . . . what do you do?"everything dan says is witty. it doesn't come through on the page. i just ate the last cookie. healthy food butter cookies favourites power selection europe cookies the girl in the leopard print is hot. girls like to be hot.

the actor is not the draw-er but you knew that.

islam has run its course. it was born amidst violence and it dies amidst violence. what am i doing? i'm trying to offend you.

no, really; islam justified its existence resisting the crusades (which were the end of christianity). now, we are again "resisting" the "crusaders".

chinese input. english output. gums up the works. what am i talking about there is no try tomorrow, i teach more kids whose kids? i don't know how did donna do today i want to call her my dick is hard. i can't fuck a twenty-year-old canadian from calgary. she hasn't seen or done anything the innocence is preserved in a foreign culture but i bet she's fucked at least one person in her life she is adventurous.

we finally got to talk at the end of the party people left there we were i was done with the grill it was me and the grill the whole time until i sat with a plate of pork burgers and weird hot dogs everyone clapped when i came in "the burgers are good!" no shit i don't shit ate the food with a little beer i don't drink people left i sat back on the couch.

girls saw matt to the bus they came back then we had our chance to talk donna sat ottoman next to me she's so sweet and we talked what did we say? it just flowed out we talked about everything that came to mind at one point i said "what were you like when you were little?" the curiosity bubbled into words.

oh for a long time we talked about kids teaching kids and how teaching through fear is the wrong approach how are they gonna learn to talk if they're afraid to speak? we talked about our classes our kids we teach we love the bad kids why do we love the bad kids best? she didn't agree and i don't even why did i try to force it into our reality why did i try to force it in? do i think i'm witty do i think i'm shitty do i think i'm dan there's a little dan in everyone we must realize we are all one we are all, dan, we are all.

the last people leave except kim who stays for hours at the door talking to shantel who's tired and cleaning the kitchen. hours. it's understandable there's no one to talk to anywhere for long stretches of time so sometimes you just hit that nerve vein flow you gotto go you gotta let it all go here's someone who speaks english here's someone who understands.

that's what me and donna were doing we talked and talked she fell in love with me her beauty rosy lion face with smile her teeth and button nose so full of life "you're not old" thank you i'm flattered but your sister disapproves that's why i'm making love to you on paper. it causes so many problems it shuts so many doors it sows discord shantel is jealous.

she has a rubik's cube i teach her algebraic geometry i never realized the cube could be solved algebraically i never thought about it. i knew it all the time. she goes from thing to thing she showed me magic tricks i tell her all my nerdy secrets she's in love "you're an amazing person. i hope you realize that." i get embarrassed when i hear such praise not praise it's love why get embarrassed love is beautiful give back give first give last give in between she's gonna read my book she may be shocked she don't like cussin she'll love me more she'll want to be my muse the leo loves the spotlight loves to hold the gaze accept the praise receive the touch conceive the much too much she's twenty almost twenty-one i've done that every time i'm thirty "you don't look thirty" thanks i'm flattered.

i could love you you don't know how good what little calgarian stuck it in you how'd you like it i'll make you feel what you've always hoped you'd feel but never knew you could it's love what's wrong with love what's wrong with love.

i took the couch we woke at 5 and watched the sunrise we're in love we rode the bus i waited with her for the next i taught her how to factor into prime components she ate it up the bus never came she had to get a taxi bye "i'll see you again" we're in love.

human companionship i want to lick her fleshy thighs i wonder if her pussy's red she took her pants off in the bathroom take a shower.

i walked away along the street eight forty five we've barely known eachother sixteen hours how we are in love.

the rest is implied.

2004-07-21T05:16:00.000-04:00

again the UPSETTER posting for socrates.
_________________________________________________________________

123herewego i gotta lot. to say. about what else makin love who? you? couldn't be! what do you think there's this little girl named donna she's 20 but she'll be 21 in two weeks no i didn't fuck her what did we say? no more fucking why you gotta be like that i tried to preserve the suspense but i wanna cross this out and start over.

shantel is the teacher of the big class at the kindergarten. big means 5 years old. i got the middle class but who knows tomorrow shelley comes back she was in the hospital same thing melody had melody's the boss. it's all girls girls girls girls it's always girls teach the little kids but fuck that i am a warrior. there's also amy she gets the little little (melody little).

i'm thinkin maybe they're gonna stick another class in there because they're gettin big. kids get big that ain't news it's class size. mine's 19 that's too much. especially for spoiled only child rich kids. it's too much for all kids these kids get all the facilities and they don't care fuck that it's
cause what they don't get is love it's the same story again and again eternal recurrence.

who has the power the rich have the power the children have the opportunity we have to teach the children love who have the most opportunity the children with the most opportunity must most learn love to grow love most love grow love. must most grow love.

make love.

and then we are at zero i gotta burn it out it didn't take that long this time now we can create.

she's a leo it's always magnetic with leos some are born on august 12. you can see these things in people or you can call it a science.

so it's a barbecue it's shantel's birthday she's a cancer her sister donna's birthday 2 weeks later just like me and lyn we're boys. i come home with shantel because i don't know where she lives it's a walk or a tram ride from canada the kindergarten the canadian international kindergarten founded by aj stewart because he's white but it's really his wife winnie that makes the dough aj sleeps around you can't fault him he's a rock star he fucks all the ta's. don't cry for winnie she gets her money she went from wherever she was in chinese society which is nothing to director of a giant fund-sucker. people make money neglect their children feel bad throw money at the
problem they miss the problem and hit the canadian international kindergarten at a branch near you. what's the problem the canadian international kindergarten is the problem what's the solution fuck you you weren't paying attention.

i've been manipulated into coming to this party because i know how to make meat i know how to cook hamburgers take ground beef put stuff in it squish it around then you can make patties. i allowed the manipulation. we create our reality.

i've been very curious to meet this little sister because everything i've heard is intriguing. older sister thinks she's irresponsible. she comes to visit mom too and little sister says "i'm staying!" what's she gonna do? move out get a new place 2 bedrooms more space buy furniture set it up
here we go. more irresponsibility she doesn't get a steady job but what you gonna do people have different ways of doing things some people things just fall in their lap.

i don't know random little stories it's not the facts it's the way they're told i can't tell you the way they were told because this is not a voice recorder and i don't remember anyway and i do a shitty shantel impression.

in walks donna she's tall shantel is tall and big donna is tall and she's got that leo smile and the hair is a wreath from the forest. so young young fresh white skin pink cheeks red hair with bleach bangs blue eyes there's no way to describe it she's a rainbow.

i fall for all for every time i fall i know hello it's instant there's the link it's hearts through smiling eyes to stars.

what are we gonna do? are we gonna fuck? isn't there anything else? let's have hope.

the party starts the three of us there's music there is goofiness we go buy stuff i'm back in iambs waves of writing flow i synchronize unconsciously why the hell is there an "s" in the middle of that word?

eventually we'll get to talk we know there's two of us and once we're one we're one. and off we go and spin around and melody and boyfriend ben appear with grill and coal. i would say charcoal not because it doesn't fit the rhythm but this really isn't charcoal it is coal.

we light the grill and people come and will the grill stay lit and people come and yeah i made the meat already i'm a motherfucker with the meat. dan's here dan's the man with the plan for every situation he's got a little black book i kid you not he's got his handy phone number on slips of paper ready to tear out at any time he's ready for the mack.

he's brought chicken he's very proud of everything he is the master of his domain yes dan your chicken makes me want to fuck you let me fuck you come on let me fuck you just a little.

and people come and grilling starts and nobody knows what the fuck they're doing somebody's gotta so things right it's gotta be me. i've got the grill and donna has these boys that follow her because she shines and they want to fuck her not that they know anything they're fucking idiots one of them is australian that makes him a hit people try to imitate his australian accent i'm gonna puke on him hey caesar get this it's the same fuckin guy from the muslim restaurant that was with that hot chick and then we saw him on his way home with some other hot chick the one with the amazing ass and i met him at the supermarket. yeah that guy! his name is matt.

the grill is on the balcony we're on the eleventh floor it's like five square feet the smoke is the best part i'm complaining because donna comes out "do you want to keep me company?"

"ok" and dan appears and follows he's got pins don't you know they've got canadian flags on them it makes girls want to fuck him. i try to be nice but sometimes i can't i make fun of him to his face but he doesn't get it but donna does. so donna and i make the best of a bad situation anyway we don't get to be alone but i do spend some quality time after she goes back in
and dan follows her with kin yes she's chinese and she's the "a yi" the aunt of my class that means she warms milk washes clothes nurtures she's great she's twenty-one. so many beautiful little girls it's so much better now that i don't fuck them anymore i can enjoy i can thank them for their beauty it is silent.

we talk in chinese my chinese is exponentially better every day it's logarithmic logarithm and exponent same thing but i think it's the natural log that's obviously what it always is the golden spiral. the shortest path between two points is a spiral. caesar you should hear me i'm a
mutha fucka.

every woman in this world is in love with me. the love is reciprocal. it is pure i keep my dick in my pants my dick wants to fuck everything! up but no more fucking. some people say "hook up with" instead of "fuck" go ahead say whatever you want. it's all a matter of what you want to communicate to yourself what reality you create.

i'm talking to you i'm always only talking to you it's personal it's intensely uncomfortably personal and you can't get away you can't tear your eyes away i'm the best there ever was i'm all there is.

the joy of pants

2004-07-21T05:12:00.000-04:00

This is the UPSETTER. using capitals. posting for julien, cause in thailand blogger works.
__________________________________________________________________

i'm feelin bad i was feelin good and i was gonna write and then i was feelin good and i was gonna write but i didn't write and now i'm feelin bad and i got all this shit in my head i gotta purge i got the blues i was playin the blues on the piano at the kindergarten i'm a kindergarten teacher it pays the bills i love the kids there's a typhoon coming supposedly but i can't find any information on it on the web. everybody's like "oh you're so good at the piano" no i'm not i'm just playing the blues i'm improvising but none of you know how to do that because part of chinese education is to stamp out every trace of creativity.

see? i'm sulking. i was gonna write about the simple things it's the simple things that make life life like i work i get up at 5 am that's right poor me i'm tired in the evenings i'm walking home i gotta buy short pants where the fuck am i gonna go to buy short pants nowhere around here i gotta take a bus i don't know any busses or the subway gotta walk to the subway or a cab fuck a cab fuck it all it takes time i wanna go to sleep. telling this story is cheering me up. here's the punch line i'm walking up the pedestrian overpass that leads to our house the pedestrian overpass over huan shi dong lu the one that always has peddlers caesar knows what i'm talking about and what are they peddling this time! short pants! she said 15 kuai apiece 2 dollars but ithought she said 45 i turn to go she says 13! i heard you this time i'll take two.

fuck. yeah i got pants that's the level we're dealing with here that's what we're talking about it's a pain in the ass to do every little thing that you do every day i went home and sat down and enjoyed it. i'm wearing those pants now.

i found out where to get clippers so i got that going for me too.

i don't know i feel good i feel better i'm gonna go i love you toobaby.

whoa blogger works

2004-07-16T04:10:00.000-04:00

some days, you just get lucky. one day, i didn't get lucky. that was the day i went to find jenny. it was before we left for kunming so it was june early june it was monday three days after i met her the day after our date the day of the morning after we said goodbye.

she called. from work. "when are you leaving for kunming?"

"tomorrow."

"will you come back?"

"i don't know."

more talking i don't remember pointless talking i took over like pulling teeth i got her location heqin tollway station beijing expressway talk talk talk i'll call you tomorrow ok.

i'm sitting there like i always sit there after jenny's gone i sit there

"what am i gonna do?"

friday i said "i wish i could copy myself and one of me marry diana and one of me marry jenny." it's not cool to play with people's heads like that you're reading this blog i love you too baby.

what the fuck is my problem here i go no it's not good reading it's self-absorbed loathing it's wallowing in self-pity. fuck it it's too late it's here i go i go whoa sometimes, no i know whoa sometimes i know what i'm doing sometimes i write good stuff sometimes i write it in my head sometimes i make them with my mouth. i can't remember i can't be in the business of remembering because once you remember it it's dead. it's got to come from now so now to get to now you got to i got to we got to go through then we got to go through all the bullshit in the way all the remembering we got to cut it up with a machete like muslims at a mall in thailand. can we offend people? i hope so. nigger. you fuckin nigger. how's that. there's a word. you can say. just say a word. it offends. nigger. nigger raper. what is the image? a nigger who rapes? that is the image isn't it? isn't it, fanon? yeah this guy from martinique i work with him he's got a coke habit i teach his kids he knows fanon. he said "he's a motherfucker. i don't know what the dude is talking about, though." racism is here in china what do we got we got africans what do they do they hustle. import-export. that's what they all say. yeah it's convenient guangzhou is the place it's the place in the world where all the shit's made what do you got you got poor people you got poor people what do they do they work. they work shit jobs they make all kinds of shit in factories and it's cheap as shit. so other poor people come here not as poor or not even poor they gotta get here for one thing they gotta have connections for another thing so the business-minded the smart hustlers buy this cheap shit and send it somewhere else. presto! you got money. what else can you do you can hustle you got africans on the streets selling weed they can get you what you want they know russians.

is it racism? sure. are people gonna make money? whenever and however they can.

friday was the day i met jenny. monday caesar says "go find her. then you'll know."

so i'm don quixote he's sancho he carries the pack we work out a driver with the hotel we wait there he is it's a cab maybe not off we go. 60 kuai is the deal.

this guy has no idea where he's going he drives around we don't care flat rate he'll find it eventually he stops the car. we're at an on-ramp.

"it's up this ramp."

"ok, go up the ramp."

"i can't, it'll cost money to go through the toll gate."

"i don't understand."

people here speak this fucked-up chinese this ain't beijing and what the fuck a cab driver don't know where the fuck he's going he impatiently explained to me that the gate was gonna cost money and there was no way to turn around so he would have to drive to the next exit and turn around and pay again and all we had to do was walk up the ramp i don't know why i bought it we were new in town i wasn't on my game i forgot that in china everyone's trying to screw you all the time so we paid him and left. he couldn't find the fucking place a cabdriver can't find *the* major expressway so he cashed in. all we had to do was walk up the ramp and look and then pay him but we didn't think of that. like i said, we were new in town.

so we walk up the ramp and what do you know that ain't it what a fuckin surprise.

tune in next time for further adventures.

another love letter

2004-07-13T13:01:00.000-04:00

conversations with god. it made me think of you.

it took over an hour but finally this beautiful chinese angel came to speak with me. she said eighteen, but i think maybe sixteen. i fucked her until she bled. i dont have a picture. it made me think of you.

the very same night i walked around the garden hotel talking to old pros, women around my age and little girls. hello. how are you. how long have you worked. dont you hate it. i thought i was done for the night but this girl, a woman - my peer, made my dick hard. we took a sojourn to the place which my sixteen yearold mama introduced me. we fucked until she was covered in my water, the bed was soaked, my eyes stung. i dont have a picture. it made me think of you.

the evening i got into bangkok i walked around town jotting notes ignant ramblings flirting with little girls. i took a free tuktuk to the redlight district and wandered into a random brothel. i chose a goat, ohmy she was fine. she said she was thai, i think she was burmese. i fucked her as long as i could. i dont have a picture. it made me think of you.

today i went here and there. the standing buddha. the lucky buddha. the reclining buddha. so many buddhas. i need to be cleansed. the girl at the bar gets off in thirty minutes. shes coming to my place for the night, a place i moved to today so i can take a young thai girl in for the night. im going to fuck her as much as i can. when we get in. when i wake up in the middle of the night having dreampt of you. when i wake up. i wont have a picture. it will make me think of you.

conversations with death

2004-07-13T12:32:00.000-04:00

where to begin. friday night on my way from dinner to
the corral i ran into some africans one of whom i had
met previously. they cajoled me to a bar. all these
africans. theyre really hard selling me. every ten
fifteen minutes buy our junk buy our crap. nonono. its
cool we are friends. right. so then its time to move
to a club. just down the street. no my friends i must
go get a goat. the goats at the club are better. come
with us. ok. on to the club. all these africans.
goats. and russians. these russians you know. i dont
know what happened. i didnt drink very much. someone
drugged me. i was on the dance floor with this russian
girl and i noticed my wallet was gone. so i stopped
dancing and started checking my pants for whatelse was
gone. when i stopped dancing i noticed i was having
problems with my motor skills. my vision was blurred i
was in a flop sweat i was burning up dizzy. whoa i
say. something isnt right. the russian girl never
stopped grinding on me. i push her away and go sit at
a table and start checking my bag, which i had kept on
me to dance, and pockets. as far as i can tell only my
wallet is missing. the russian girl comes over and
tries to drag me over to the table with the russians.
no i say. have a drink. no i say. ok honey she says.
calm down. whats wrong. lets go dance we were having
fun. im leaning over and my chest is heaving. my pulse
is ricocheting through my head. the girl gets in a
stool opposite me and gets close rubbing my thighs
with her hands she pulls my hands onto her thighs. she
is talking to me and now i cant even make out her
words. then the plane of my vision slipped. oh christ.
i put my head on her shoulder and close my eyes. when
i open them my vision is fine but blurry for a few
seconds and then it slips again. close my eyes open
them fine for a few seconds and then slip. my hearts
pounding. this bitch is now rubbing my dick. i had my
head on her right shoulder. i was looking to the left.
death is your most trusted advisor and resides to your
left at all times. i asked if i was going to die.
whenever you are nervous about something you look to
your left and ask death about it and he will tell you
'i have not touched you yet'. i was looking to the left
and i asked death if i was going to die and he didnt
say anything. i pushed the bitch off me. and start
stumbling to the door. it was so difficult just to
walk. to hold myself up. i make it to the door of the
club and one of the africans is on me. grabbing me
trying to pull me back into the club. im out on this
asphalt incline up to the road and this african
slapsgrabs my back and i go down and cut my right palm
up pretty good. i stagger up and i tried to say 'you
need not to touch me again, or be prepared for death.'
i dont know what it sounded like. i wonder if my mouth
was working. he asked if i needed a cab and i turned
around and staggered up to the road. thats pretty much
my last memory. i was over a mile from our apartment, me and socrates. my last memory from the night is about 100 meters down
from the club in front of the garden hotel, its a four
or five star dealie, woohoo the garden hotel. airline offices and consulates on the inside. goats everywhere around there. i dont
remember collapsing, but i do remember struggling to
get up and all these chinese goats around me saying
shit i dont understand. thats it for the night. the
next thing i know archimedes woke me up. i said where am
i. take me home. he said you are home. we live here.
where i say. in here. he opens the door and walks me
up to our place. opens the door. there is your bed he
says. are you shitting me i said. and collapsed into
bed. it was seven a.m. and he was leaving to work.
somehow i got up and staggered a mile down the road
turned at the corner walked down the block went into
our complex and passed out in front of our door. the
watchman or guard of the complex had my keys. he asked
don quixote if they were his. socrates said they are my
roommates. i must have dropped them at the door or
something i dont know. he found me face down right in
front of the door to our building. at seven am. i dont
know when i left the club. the last time i checked the
time it was about 215. and i talked to the russians
and danced with that girl for a long while after that.
i think. time is funny. i dont know what happened. i
cant tell anyone where i live, in any language, in china. and i didnt have any money on me. i must have fucking dragged my ass all
the way home. i dont remember it. all saturday i
stayed in bed and drank water. my motor skills are
still fucked up. my hands shake. i think an african
took my wallet on the dance floor. i think the
russians drugged me. i dont want to write to much more
about this here. the africans work for the russians. i
offended some of everybody probably. one of the
russians started talking about the map of the world.
and i cut him off and said yea yea. and broke into
this speech about how when i was a boy, you still are he said, right. sure pops. when i was a boy
the map of the world was a weebit different. europe
was this little thing, a chinese dick, hanging off
asia the boundary was the aral mountains. you know
your map he says. pops im talking. but i looked at a
map the other day and europe extends from the atlantic
to the pacific in the form of russia and asia is this
little ass in the form of india, mongolia, china and
south. its a lie i say. azerbaijan, armenia, georgia,
kazakstan, uzbekistan, krygystan, turkmenistan,
tajikistan these are turkic peoples. then i said why
dont we call the whole world europe. lets all be
white. no. lets call the whole world africa. lets all
be white. everyone sort of laughed. some really
laughed some didnt. the russian girls were truly
white. the dudes though looked darker and asian.
turkic. i didnt even realize the russian girls were
with those dudes until this nigerian told me i was the
only white person there not from russia. then i put it
together a little. there is way more to the story. but
i dont want to write it here. i really offended the
russians. i dont think i offended any of the africans.
one just took my wallet, which had my plane ticket to
bangkok and about one hundred u.s. dollars in it. the
two black guys that feel like they know me best called
me continually yesterday asking me to come out to the
club and buy shit from them. why did you get up and
leave like that last night. you didnt even say goodbye
one of them said. i told him we are not friends. we
are enemies. if he sees me he need know we are enemies
and i treat him as such. if i see you and i can, i am
going to cut you. i said. he laughed and said we are
friends. i hung up. he called back four more times,
but i didnt answer. he probably called more than that.
i turned the phone off.

i dont feel like me anymore. im all out of sorts. i am
someone else. my motor skills are fucked up. i dont
think my brain is working as well. i am sluggish. what
did they give me. how much. whatever. i seem ok. i got
some bruises on my hands. my right palm is cut up a
little. i got a small buise on my forehead. and my
throat is a little sore. i am fine. i keep telling
myself i am fine. and i keep asking the wise man. am i fine.
you are fine he says. i spent today yelling at china
southern airline people about my lost ticket. they are
going to give me a new ticket tomorrow at the lowlow
cost of $65 us. which is a lot here. but the ticket
was 200 us and i dont know. i feel like i won by
getting it for 65. the office was full of people
paying a full rate for the same seat they had before.
i yelled at this girl forever and she produced. so i
should be on a flight tomorrow from guangzhou/ canton
to bangkok. leaving at 215. for a while everytime the
girl opened her mouth i cut her off and said 'i want
to talk to someone who speaks english' and of the
people in the office her english was by far the best.
i knew that as i had already been through the others.
it was her job to take care of me and no one else
wanted to look at me and i knew that too. i knew i was
her problem. china southern airlines is a bunch of
fucking crooks. she almost cried. everytime i said i
want to talk to someone who speaks english i got a
little louder until my voice was filling this enormous
cavernous office. and she said. write your statement
and got up and walked off. i wrote my statement and
she came back with faxes of my ticket and the receipt.
she handed them to me. where did you get these. how
did you get these. no response. you cant get
anything from them without a photocopy of your ticket.
where/how did you get this i ask again. she quietly
says i got it for you. she reads my statement. says
fine. asks me to sign it. then she signs it. asks me
if i have a copy of my ticket. i dont say anything.
she says oh you do and picks up the faxes of the
ticket and receipt which she had handed to me only a
few minutes before and starts putting all the
paperwork together. come back tomorrow at 11 am with
the money and your passport and i will give you the
ticket. i ask why we cant do it today or earlier
tomorrow and the girl is at her end. i verbally beat
the shit out of her. she looks like she is going to
cry. she says its the rules. its the rules. i cant do
anything about it, its the rules. ok mama. chill out.
thank you for helping me. i asked if i could talk to
her tomorrow. i dont want to talk to anyone else. yes
i will be here, you will talk to me. ok see you
tomorrow.

see you tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------

conversations with the doctor. later ill give you the whole story. concerning death don juan didnt tell me everything. death has two answers. 1) i have not touched you yet, 2) . the second means he is on his way. death was coming to meet me at the club with the russians. these are the things i came to know on saturday the day of rest. no matter what i asked that day death only said i have not touched you yet. that is the only thing he can say, but that is not his only response.

i found nero on khao san road

2004-07-12T13:29:00.000-04:00

backpackers paradise is fucked. dreadlocks everywhere. hot little girls [or is it something else] coming up and grabbing my arm wanting to give me a massage [their english is so good. they should go to china and teach english.]. in china hookers smoke. all women smoke here. feminine little sheboys sit smiling gamely, fat feminine shemen stand leering. my eye plays tricks and i cant decide whether you now on my arm are what you appear - do you have a dick? steady yourself and trust your instinct, when have you gone wrong before. in china attractive girls watched you for your white and your new and your foreign. here the westerners maybe, definitely, out number the natives in many shops, on this entire street the center of the localized depraved universe. i am sorry honey id love to fuck you but do you see all the people, the white people, staring at me. this isnt my scene. yet. perhaps with time i could indulge, imbibe, before all these white eyes. tattoos, dreads, color your hair, smoke, smoke grass, drink, go in this bar, or that one. a street of bars hookers and father-mother hiding her sons eyes. bring the family. beautiful women making eyes at me it doesnt matter you just want money. that look, what did they say, could launch a thousand ships. dark swarthy skin and darker eyes. i cant fuck you all but ill try. mama unhand me you cant be fifteen. why would you bring your children here to see children offering their flesh. that white man bargaining with that beautiful little girl and the disgust on her face is enough to turn me away, not him haggle some more the disgust on her face says she has been here before she will be here again. he wins and loses she walks away with him hand in hand. thais around the corner drinking some what seems home brew already unsteady in their seats. marijuana this guy asks. grass. its so readily available. oh here we have what must be nero, petronius, otho, and someone i dont know standing in the street hands in mouths down throats a team in their use of the public vomitorium. streams of chunky puke. happy in their spectacle. nero, if id known you were here i would have worn my formal shorts. the number of pretty boys is astounding. no just cause im looking doesnt mean i am interested. but for you mama. see how i look at you come talk to me. the rubbish mans got a monster joint in his gob. look at that crazy bitch screaming at nothing and spitting at white people. is she mad. yes and no. a gang of rastas across the street from a gang of cops. both equipped with motorcycles. watch out that lady and her dog own the intersection after midnight. watch out that dog does what it wants. im talking to you tired american mama straggling in at midnight, the dogs got your bag. motorcycle cabbies trying to take me to fuck some girl, the ride is free suckyfucky real good. and the ride is on the house? hookers, weed, and little boys pushed on you from all sides. what can you find if you search. its fine. its nice. its like this. the world. everywhere. for all the towns with hidden shit surely we need some open place. blatant. overt. honest.

my shiny new red bag.

2004-07-07T23:55:00.000-04:00

so i was walking around town and stopped in at the garden hotel. [woohoo, yeah] calm down.

people in china dont know how to drive. it isnt just the lack of stop lights, or how people ignore the existing lights. its the constant grinding of the transmission. these people need automatics. the bus drivers, who drive all day and might be expected to have learned to drive on the job, are perhaps the worst offenders. grgrgrgr neuuugrrrr grrdzit.

so i went to flirt with a girl in the malaysian airline office, but when i walked in she got up and left the room. the other girls giggled. they all speak english. i was there yesterday and asked if i could take her to dinner. she giggled and left. i told the other girls i guess that means no. right, and today she left when she saw me coming in. maybe i shouldnt go back. left the garden hotel round the corner to fruity mix. its the spot for fruit. service is terrible and after ten minutes of being ignored i walked out. cross the street down the block people lookin at me. foreigner outlander devil. thats my name dont wear it out. the more you glare at me the more flamboyant outlandish and blatant i will be in making eyes at your ladies. i stop at a little shop and i want a bag. donquixote started using the rice sack on a daily basis so i needs my own transport. this lady wants 80rmb for a little over the shoulder dealie. i laugh and start to leave. she says 70. come on lady across the street they want 45. i say thirty she comes down to 48. i say 40 and then she laughs. its a deal. super. put my shiny new red bag crost my chest and there aint nothin to do but strut. best deal ive made in china yet, even if i still overpaid by a dollar. down the same street i walks everyday. same old ladies asking for money or sellin pirated media, same burn victims amputees and i dont know whats wrong with that one guy but i didnt give you money yesterday or the day before that and i cant today. if we wasall in the beautiful land and i hustlin a dollar a day sure id buy you mcdonalds or whatever terrible shit you want. the number of people askin for money here is incredible. i cant help allyouse poor people. i wish i could.

so i got my bag on my chest strut one two three. strut one two three. singing about susan. crazy white guy walking down the street witha womans bag on his chest singing unintelligibly about an old chinese woman who doesnt want him. this woman comes around the corner almost pushes me down and tears hell up the overpass walkway. i stop and look around, whatsgoingon. whatsup with that crazy bitch slamming into me. and then this cute little chinese girl comes around the corner and starts looking for the woman. this girl is like four or five. her school clothes are drenched in sweat and she is swigging a pepsi in between looking down the street this way and then that. i get her attention and point up the overpass. she smiles at me and starts looking up there and trying to see across the street where the woman [her mother?] will undoubtedly reappear. there she is i see her. i point to her but the girl cant see her. i motion to pick her up. she comes over to me and grabbing her under the arms i hoist her up as i high as i can. she is struggling and i think i am going to drop her. i duck my head and seat her on my shoulders, one hand on her back and the other holding her legs on my chest. she sees the woman and starts screaming loud as she can crost the street. thats right bitch you slammed into me and didnt say nothin so i got to show your daughter where ya goin. the woman looks over at this little girl on my shoulders screeching at her. its a scene. people stop to watch this crazy shit. whys this white foreigner got a little chinese girl on his shoulders, and whys the girl screaming across the street. actually they probably know more than me cause i dont know what the hell the little girl is saying to the woman. the woman doesnt say anything. shes gesticulating. i dont know. maybe she is waving the girl off. she just keeps walking. down off the crosswalk onto the street. shes heading south. she disappears. the girl never stopped talking but now shes talking to me or herself. she isnt yelling anymore. she starts struggling again and kicking me in the chest. i hoist her up and then lower her down to the ground. she looks up at me smiles and finishes her pepsi. she drops the empty pepsi on the ground and just as quickly one o them rubbish mens on the scene and its in his sack. another two cents he made i imagine. the girls walking away towards the corner. i start walking she is smiling at me. you want to come with me. ill raise you. teach you english. is your mom coming back. whats going on. did i help. she smiles at me turns the corner shes walking into an apartment complex. she waves at me says 'go slowly' and runs off. i wave but its at her back and then shes round another corner and gone. ill never see her again. 'go slowly'.

guangzhou sunrise

2004-06-30T01:12:00.000-04:00

ribbons the color of love across the sky tell me jenny my lover my love is coming to die in my arms and be reborn with me once two now one.

venus the morning star it shines through pink sky of blue behind and clouds of grey it fades to light before my eyes.

the light illuminates the page on which i write the rhythm guides the drive the light provides the rhythm in a wave beside the sea.

the ships along the river delta dock and sail as night becomes the day the pearls along the bottom shine.

and jenny my lover my love will discover today we together will sail forever the spark that has traveled from mountains through valleys past fields underground into every living thing has come round as the sun ascends the sky tributaries of love the reason why join together to make at last to fly to the ocean as elderly make tea cats screech and crickets know it's hot.

i want you to be my mama

2004-06-29T06:48:00.000-04:00

so. there are two tenets. we havent talked about this have we. the first is all women are the mother. its tough to bear, but freud was mostly right. i hear you laughing. i know you dont want to agree. its true though. all women are the mother. even that fat nasty bitch with the foul disposition. the second is do what you want/ do what you feel.

i cant write because this woman is sitting next to me and everytime i start she touches my knee or elbow and starts talking to me. even if not for that it would be difficult. i want to put a child in this woman's belly. i just left her place and here she is stalking me. but not really. she comes here to do research on child development and schools specializing in such. its my fault i told her where i was going and the place is just across the street from her residence. and i am trying to send correspondence and write my illiterate babble and she wont let me. i love this woman. of course i do. all women are the mother. you see the problem. oh christ and here is 'great big fat lady'. i think they want me to marry her. i am growing quickly tired of this scene. they want me to chant krishna and marry great big fat lady. i am surprised at my patience. yea. she keeps making jokes about it. this paragraph, this shitty stupid meaningless paragraph is over thirty minutes in the making. my throat is tight from all the not exploding and yelling and telling her i want to fuck her. chill. relax its ok its alright.

small delicate susan, curly comparatively light brown hair, either sun dyed or highlighted. it must be the sun - how could such an ethereal creature have such corporeal and superficial concerns. [this text here is from hardcopy. from a while ago. above is freestyle. and this note is me commenting on the hardcopy. yadig. and looking at her next to me. right now. beautiful susan. i am yet unsure. i think maybe she highlights it. its got this stupid lightred sunburnt feel to it. it makes me hot. with these soft curls. soft waves. and underneath above and around the lightredsunburn its a darker brown. but still not the almost black common around town. she probably highlights it and perms it. have you seen chinese with natural curls. i cant remember it] what color is your skin - maggie millie mollie and may went with me to the beach one day. her skin is a very light brown with maybe a sallow yellow undertone. wait curly light brown cropped above the base of the neck. how high your cheek bones are. your cheek bones positioned to rest just below my collar bones. if it were pleasing. almond eyes and delicious lips less than half of many of your brethren. how many times will you ask me to move the television, surely just as many times i will demurely obey with only the slightest nod of my head to acknowledge the order. your requests are orders arent they, cooperation means do as i say i begin to gather. you knew i emailed you at 415 in the morning and you called at 920 to wake me and request my immediate presence. i am surprised i requested an hour to gather myself. were working on the curriculum and you say simply 'im going to get someones help.' the next thing i know where have you gone carelessly leaving your bag and book, but there you are in another room someother young man doing your bidding, typing what you say. do you know how to type i wonder.

jules come quickly. i am dying. save me from this woman. this woman to whom i am able to deny nothing. please. she is going to nice me to death. where is my voice. you are not dying. you just dont have anything better to do.

lets see. let us see. my favorite subjunctive. what about wish. thats an optative. what about if. what about if. a subjunctive though you wouldnt know it. an optative, whats an optative you ignorant american. speaking a language you dont understand. all people are guilty of this to some extent. all peoples, not individuals. i mostly understand this language i use. though being abroad i cant communicate with anyone, but i am talking about susan. also someone with whom i am not able to communicate. susansusan. she saw us poorly dressed scruffy americans on the street and followed us to the internet cafe. she watched us enter and then debated with herself whether or not to approach us. with herself her heart and her god. her god who led us to one another, who crossed our paths. julien and i sat, two fat babas, looking at baseball blogging about girls we have fucked and girls we want to fuck. maybe i had the financial times open - and this woman comes up and touches my knee. i was quite startled, strange attractive chinese woman coming up and touching my knee. it put me out of sorts. what. who are you. but shes too quick with her questions and ramblings. she asks where we are from and starts in on her desire to open a school for children, the strength and absorption power of their undeveloped hair -brain jules corrects her. maybe you can come over for dinner she wants to know. she lives just across the street. 'what do you like to eat. do you eat meat? we are vegetarians.' 'whatever you fix will be great' we had already exchanged contact data and she gave us her address, again its just across the street. when she had finally decided to approach us she asked the woman running the desk of the net cafe 'did you see our two friends - foreign gentlemen come in.' friends. gentlemen. again she asks if vegetarian is ok. we are vegetarians she says. they, whoever they are [it only became clear a few hours ago. only six days to determine who 'we' are and untangle the relationships], are preparing our first home cooked meal since leaving the states. everything here has pig, cow, or intestines in it. soaked in oil and saltier than mcdonalds fries, which are a huge hit here, if you can believe it. is vegetarian ok? oh mama. crazy susan. she goes off, she goes home. my cell phone rings and she wants to know if we want rice or noodles. noodles jules decides. i ring again. 'when are you coming, we need to know so the noodles are ready at the right time.' thirty minutes ok. ok, byebye. we wrap it up and make our way across the street hopping concrete barriers avoiding trucks, cabs, and motorcycles - the last go anywhere everywhere they please and in any direction. why not go down the wrong way against on coming traffic. if need be theyll just drive on the sidewalk. we identify the proper mailbox and punch the apartment number into the buzzer which works only sometimes. buzzed in and up nine flights of steps. only nine and no lift. most landings have an automatic light not connected to movement but sound. and most means just over half, five. [i am tired of not being able to write. i suck. susan leave me alone] at the top she lets us in. 'sit down, have some water.' she flutters about enormous smile broadcasting throughout the room, building, city i doubt the solar system can contain this woman's energy. big main room. not much too it. traditional wood and marble bench and 'coffee' table in front of large bay windows overlooking the eastern horizon and the growing part of guangzhou. two small chairs and the rest is plastic stools. plastic stools is the rooles. yadig. a computer by the door. a chifforobe type thing in the corner. a tv covered with panda clad cloth. most rooms are mostly empty. we mill around looking out the window, down the hall toward the kitchen and the activity. a woman comes through and smiles. a man comes through and greets us. her parents she says. foolishly i assume she is unmarried. we sit on the bench and she offers us water and bean milk alternately. she talks at us about a japanese master who can talk to babies in the womb (hello baby), children who can discuss womb life, how quickly [she left. just now. it took five minutes of discussion. but she is finally gone. almost two hours for this piddly shit. and she looked at the screen so much. she must have read some of it. but i bet not. crazy fucking susan.] children can learn and how she wants to start a school to create geniuses - the giants of tomorrow. WOW. my dick is hard susan. you sound just like plato. dinner is served. the mother never sits with us, i have never seen her eat. we sit with the father and susan eating wide rice noodles i think [jules tells me he thinks its wheat noodles], prepared with some greens, fried potato strips with a fungus - not mushrooms she says, soybeans and what is that it. no. cooked tomatoes and peapods. its the best meal ive had in asia [still]. susans father made it. everyone in her family can cook but for her she says. we discuss our various educations employment histories life experiences. the father was a professor of chemistry and english. he is 73 and retired just three years. i wouldnt have guessed more than 65. he is a robust man in great health. susan is almost 40 and i thought maybe 32. she has a masters in english and was a university professor. she quit she says. she wants to teach children. to be giants. dinner is finished the parents are here and there making sure weve had enough, getting us water, offering us homemade soymilk. they go to bed. susan jules and i are up late talking about teaching the children. she shows us a vcd of chinese classics. what was it. confucious i think. its in cartoon form. she got this guy, a big manager at a software firm to contribute a lot of resources for free. he is making these vcd's for free. cartoons of chinese classics. infomercial type things about the japanese master and his method for teaching children and talking to them in the womb. he is trying to help her start a school to utilize these methods and develop the giants of the future. she wants our help. god brought us together. my dick is hard. susan, you make me feel all weird warm and fuzzy. she wants me to send her an email about myself. do i have a copy of my diploma or something. no but ill get it from the states. no need. cooperation is more important than credentials she says. cooperation is the most important thing. is it a deal. its a deal. we leave for home. i cant sleep. its late and jules is asleep. i have to get up walk down the street, across from her apartment, go in the netcafe and type until 430 in the morning. susan i think i have a fever. i think i want you to be my mama.

dengue fever

2004-06-29T03:41:00.000-04:00

the disease is still there it's always midnight guangzhou ren speak cantonese much faster than hong kong ren i'm gonna learn cantonese i'm gonna marry jenny.

mountains in the distance there are always mountains in the distance it's not so easy to write on a train but we've covered that.

last night i had the strangest dream i ever had before. it wasn't a dream it was delirium these people next to me are laughin about somethin.

dengue fever was the joke it was the flu. here come the cops looks like they got somebody they been hasslin people all morning.

train stops people get off people get on get to the point what's the point it's the joint! what is that foreigner writing? why are we on a train again? we're on a train because we're going back to guangzhou why are we going back to guangzhou we're going back to guangzhou because i'm gonna marry jenny. we were in kunming now we're on the train there go the people i'm thirsty so is caesar somebody better bring us some water.

"there's a mama in here, in bed with a baby, and it's giving me an erection."

"my stomach is cramping."

my dick is *this* big and i wanna put it in jenny cheng and keep it there forever how do i know? we woke up sunday morning june 6 shit stretch catch and caesar says i wanna fuck daisy so he calls her up.

"daisy, this is charles. let's play."

lunch is arranged. daisy brings jenny. the problem there's a problem daisy says take a cab to old mountain building that's the name of the restaurant so we're like fuck that we'll find it ourselves so we do. what's the problem the problem is there's another old mountain building. we call them daisy: "were are you? we are very worried." we're at the restaurant where are you? they're at the station great we'll meet you at the station walk walk walk run run run blah blah blah where the hell is the station how could we possibly have gone this far here it is. you go that way i'll go that way.

a guangzhou metro station is a labrynth of tunnels and exits all over the multi-block area we run all around above ground and below we search high and low they're nowhere to be found. we call them again.

"we're at the station."

"so are we."

"which exit?"

"exit a."

"ok we'll see you---"

"waitaminnit which station are you at?"

aha! we're wallace and grommit with a station instead of trousers.

when there's one person in the world you wanna see it doesn't matter where you are you wanna be with that person that person is jenny cheng she lives in guangzhou.

how do i know? daisy never made lunch she had to work. jenny showed up caesar said this is illegal i'm going home. the food had already been ordered it was a feast there were two of us. pig's feet spicy fish soup vegetables tofu and pork legs they give you plastic gloves you can hold them and gnaw and a plastic straw you stick it in and suck out the marrow. mmm that's good pork. rice as usual everything comes with rice.

daisy works as you know at the train station we went there to give her her phone jenny had it so we could find her.

we leave the station and we're free! we go to beijing road the guangzhou shopping mecca built on top of the ancient song and ming dynasty roads i already told you about that we went there. i bought jenny earrings she tried to stop me we signed our names on this big red carpet and entered a contest maybe we'll win. we have already won when jenny and me are together and free we! are the winners.

"where are you right now?"

"date with jenny."

"damn you're far. that's a pivotal day right there."

"yup."

then caesar starts talking about his bowels it should all be recorded but i can't write that fast. here's a sample:

"oh god oh god i should go to the toilet but i don't wanna. there's only so many times i can take a shit in a fuckin hole."

that's right we're in china. it's a lot cleaner than it was in '95 i can tell you that. i can say that for it.

"chinese dudes must be bad at fucking because they all got these long black nails. i mean they all got nails longer than the women. they got nails like opium addicts you know what i'm sayin?"

"i do feel a lot better. that doesn't change the fact that i gotta shit a couple times."

caesar is so quotable he should write a book commentaries on the chinese wars the conquest of china so many women wanna be white they lighten their hair they bleach their face they're fuckin up their beauty i know i unpluraled i can do this to their fuckin up. they're beauty.

grammar is the tool of meaning a tool it's not the only one but we are far too far afield we were talking about jenny.

it's always about jenny everything's always about jenny i can't help it i went to kunming and i got sick the closer i get to jenny the better i feel.

time to go to the movie first we went shopping we got pig intestines chicken feet and chocolate.

i'm sitting on a train the women always brush against me when they pass but the men never touch me.

and what is there to say we watched a movie the seats were comfy we had a good time we ate things you wouldn't eat at one point i grabbed her hand she was confused but she let me then she stroked my wrist with her middle finger then i let go. somehow there was an air of brutality. something i disassociate with even though men are from mars.

the sun is setting over the mountains which is appropriate because after the movie what do we do we go to find daisy. jenny thinks of others always thinks of others before herself it's her finest quality it's also annoying as shit. daisy wants to disco what do we do we go find daisy.

she has 20 minutes till she gets off we call charles he's not sure about the disco we'll call him back. at this point i pull jenny away to talk to her it's hard for her to concentrate what about daisy? but i tell her i want to spend time with you, jenny. i don't want to spend time with daisy. the sun is setting on our beautiful day and jenny has to work tomorrow she works for 9 days straight 9 days on and 3 days off in a tollbooth in the middle of nowhere. this is our last night maybe ever so it's time to lay it on the line.

"let's find a place to sit down." we walk around the station not there not there go downstairs people sitting there how bout over here here we go. ok.

"i like you. do you like me?" it's too direct she can't answer a question like this she talks about various unimportant things i try once again to explain to her that i want to spend more time with her alone but something's not getting through our best language is mandarin neither of us is a native speaker.

"when are you going back home?"

"i don't know. maybe never."

"what do you mean, never? you have to go back. your visa will expire."

my visa will expire my visa will expire you see this is the kind of thing that gets in your way when you live the reality that people live no my visa will never expire if i don't want it to you have to think outside the box you fail to realize the implications the best way i can say it is "i'm an american. i do what i want."

we talk some more but we're just not getting anywhere she can't give me a straight answer about her feelings and daisy of course is about to get off work so we have to talk about the disco i don't wanna disco i've been to chinese discos they suck worse than european discos i'm going home. i go upstairs to buy a subway ticket but by the time i get back daisy's ready to go there's nothing i can do they're coming with me. there's nothing i can do there.

amy joins us on the train she's so sweet and she looks great in her black dress with the necklace we gave her with the name we gave her on it. but she has to go home when we get off the train we walk her to the bus then we wait for daisy. i'm so sick of waiting for daisy. daisy shows up with a little boy in tow this one's named michael can he come with us to the hotel? sure, it's a party.

we're almost there and we gotta stop and get food. i just wanna go home and go to bed and once again i am waiting. finally i walk off they know where we live. they catch up to me i wonder what caesar's gonna do there's always the chance that he'll kill everybody whatever happens it should be entertaining.

here we are knock knock knock hey! i brought friends everybody make yourself at home it's great.

we eat some food we drink some beer caesar really doesn't like michael he says i'm outta here.

"where did charles go?"

"i don't know he wanted to walk around or something." i'm always having to explain the boy's actions but this is good now if i can get rid of daisy and michael i can have jenny all to myself. it's not gonna happen caesar returns and he's brought a friend james from uganda james is the best he hangs with us for a while he really brings up our spirits because i'm never gonna see jenny again and she's over there talking to michael and fuck it.

james leaves at 4 maybe caesar will tell you about him and then it's time for michael to go. we---i---usher him out and the shit hits the fan. daisy can't believe it if michael's going i'm going too it was that easy? kidding aside jenny stays behind to explain to us that when you invite someone to your place they stay for the night and she knows that they're annoying little kids and it was all a misunderstanding. what a great girl she understands people and she just wants to help them and now she has to go she has to go talk daisy down. no, daisy's fine. stay. no, i have to go. ok. goodbye. shitty end to a beautiful day.

sleep but then she calls she's at the internet cafe can you come over yes i'll see you soon i put on pants and run around and there she is she sits at the desk the morning light the light of the screen her windswept eyes she talks to me. daisy is not letting herself be found. we send eachother emails we soak up whatever moments we have left there is peace there is silence there are smiles. and then it's time to go i walk her to the stop she takes the bus i kiss her on the cheek we say goodbye. i picture in my mind her face is fixed inside my mind her hair is blowing in the nonexistent wind. we drift apart at sunrise air is cool and slightly dry it is the best you're gonna get this is guangzhou. and that is it the story goes but that's the end continue till forever there is only everything.

random shit: love letters, the other, dreams.

2004-06-24T14:53:00.000-04:00

in the past year and a half i have maintained myself knowing precisely where you kept your person and that i could attain your presence if i desired. being half way around the world my patience, always short, leaves me and i find it increasingly difficult to focus on anything not you. i understand you would like to separate yourself from me, to forget the things between us, the pain i caused you, this rift between us.

i love you. this is so futile. my throat fills with tears. you love me and i know it as well as i know myself. as sure as you purr when i touch you. as no person has ever touched you as i have, no one has ever touched me as you have.

i have done everything i can to rid myself of you and yet i possess you. though it is more appropriate to write you possess me. time is the only cure for this ill and in truth it does nothing but anesthetize. it is in fact the medicine you presently attempt, and it will work.

for a few days now i pace around contemplating calling you and inviting you to china now this summer. but i know you will say no. i know it. so i dont. so i wait to invite you next summer, to offer you myself next summer.

you changed my life. i need you in my life. i need you.

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the process of meeting and becoming initiated to a new other as you know is often the best part of a relationship, but it is an odius thing with you so clearly in my mind, with unwanted comparisons at every turn of the face flip of the hair smell of the skin. the compairson occurs on some level with every other from the past and no doubt from the future if it were possible. this girl has only little girl tricks. she only knows how to ask for things - carry my bag. be patient when i am late always. tolerate my lies vanity and thoughtlessness. later these are the most endearing things of you i have, these things most defining you in our time. it is some smile or glance thrown my way when you the other know you have transgressed and have been late selfish vane thoughtless. and this action and the endearing deed together form the pleasing memories when you are gone. or when i am gone. absence.

______________________________________________________

every girl smells different. some i remember and those are the ones i love.
______________________________________________________

i am supposed to write my dreams. so how many do i remember since coming here. first there is the dream where i am somewhere foreign with a foreign girlfriend. i dont remember what denomination the bill was - chinese someother asian beauty spanish - she is brown anyway. then somehow were walking around my hometown anna - population 4500, IQ 0, tolerance 0. we arent talking, there are no spoken words but we are communicating. she wants a baby and somehow. no that isnt right. she wants to make love and i know the next time i enter a woman it will create a baby. i dont want to create a baby with this brown girl. stop. this is a dream. chewbacca is a wookie and he lives on endor. that does not make sense. i want to create a baby in every little brown girl so i got no idea whats going on in this dream. right so she is imploring me with her beautiful soft brown eyes to make love to her and i wont because its going to make a baby. clear as day in my mind audible throughout the land 'i want to make a jew baby.' - dirty fucking pigfeces scarfing devil horned christian baby sacrificing jew baby - immediately the girl changes to someone sort of resembling laura but not quite. i look at her and i know it is rebecca kottler. looks sort of like laura buts its becca kottler. i dont know what the fuck, its a dream. she is beautiful. she takes my hand smiling simply sweetly. were in front of my middleschool in anna il pop. 4500 iq 0 tolerance 0. slowly gently not falling but lowered on a cushion of air to the ground under a giant whiteoak at the southwest corner of my fuckingmiddleschool. two lost jews in baptist catholic methodist damned mennonite bigot country.
lets see. two lost jews. where was i. were under this giant whiteoak and do i need to describe the love making. its not fucking its sweet tender passionate hot sweaty. i can smell your flesh becca kottler. i can taste you in my mouth. your scent envelopes me. how nice the missionary position can be when two people love eachother. deep meaningful kisses as our bodies are slowly submerged into the earth with the regularity of a metronome. our passion and deed change the world and the tree is now the centerpiece of the scape. its directly in front of the school - where has the road and basketball court gone nobody knows. and the tree is growing as the earth covers us. as we move down the tree thrives and drives into the sky. the foliage begins to fall and oh my acideatenbrain electric peach pink mauve purple the foliage falling and still on the tree. the sky is lit up. we are part of the earth our bodies are gone somewhere deep down powering this incredible color scheme falling around us. it seemed an eternity of unknown pleasure the earth rocking back and forth and these bits of colored confetti falling on us from above.

then its done. there our bodies are. right there under that tree. your belly protruding a little. another metronome created in you. but its crazy my hand on your belly it is two beats. its magic. its twins. twins are magic dont you know. and we made twins becca kottler looking sort of like laura. i got my hand on your living belly sitting under the tree of life peach pink mauve purple. your tree of life. youre.

everybody wants a rock

2004-06-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

where was i i forgot the point that i was making i said if i was smart that i would save up for a piece of string and a rock to wind the string around. everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around. here comes the cat she's a psycho cat but you can't blame her she's 9 months old and she's been passed around like a joint at a mos def show.

she's grown accustomed to us though. we sit around and she picks a lap and curls up into a ball. she stretches out on my leg and i stroke the length of her body her head her neck and down her spine her skinny kitty furry body it makes me think of jenny. cheng jun yan beautifully capable and intelligent i want to stroke the length of her feet massage them kiss her tiny buds. i can't stop thinking about this girl i sent an email i can't wait to see you again she said what? you can't wait to see me? why? i will be here i will wait for you in guangzhou perhaps some explanation is in order.

what did we do on saturday june 5 2004 the day after we met we went to bai yun shan white cloud mountain. to all the girls i've loved before i'm sorry if this hurts it's love i feel i gotta express we went with daisy jason trouble jenny amy couldn't make it tooth still hurt. trouble we met at the pool the night before another one of daisy's little boyfriends. lots of fun we walk well first we bus, to the mountain then we walk. up up up what happens naturally it's me and jenny talking. she says everything in english and chinese to best be understood i speak in mandarin. she also teaches me cantonese it's just so free and easy we float along and flow a song we sing our hearts have met a thousand times in lives before who knows we say whatever comes our way we play and learn and what? the others talk while jason watches daisy wants her not to fuck another sorry jason you are doomed to frustrated existence but just stick it out and she'll be yours quite possibly. you are her back-up plan.

oblivious we flow and go until some other interrupts and then we ease back into what we talked about i have no clue. i ask her do you want to go somewhere with me alone tomorrow maybe see a movie she says how about the day after tomorrow hou tian in chinese i say i don't think i can she says why? have you seen it oh! you mean the movie the day after tomorrow yes! let's do it!

walk and talk up to the top and pictures show we made it it got dark as we walked down and we were hungry. still we talked and laughed and who made this poor young chinese girl fit the jigsaw puzzle next to white aristocratic lucky me? we went to dinner all of us and caesar ate some bone again and then we all went back to the hotel.

we opened up the map of china showed them our intended journey oohs and aahs our lives are so exciting. and jenny sitting on my bed and smiling in my eyes she talks of what activities we'll do next day.

yes let's i want to do them all let's ride a boat let's see the road that ancient empires built let's touch the stars.

i want to be with you to do the things you want to do to see you smile like you can do you shine your eyes.

and what is happening to me i can't see any other me except the me with you i see belong.

and so we say goodbye we will enchant eachother's eyes when we again engage our hearts in dancing light.

to guangzhou

2004-06-22T01:11:00.000-04:00

hk island is clean and nice for the most part. kowloon peninsula begins with slums beggars peddlars and hustlers. sai baba doesnt know how to deal with hustlers he wants to throw stones at them its all he knows. its more my area of expertise. chunking mansions are a city unto itself all in one falling apart domicile - the travel guides warn it is a fire hazard and indeed the royal guard battled a blaze in one part of the building as we supped in another. we laughed about it as the tired nepali woman stood almost asleep in her shoes in the moments twixt helping patrons. she had a small pudge in her belly and dark rings under her eyes i wanted to lift her up and put her to sleep let her rest. kowloon only for a mintue and

the train ride to shenzhen was filled with homogeneous blue, purple, and green brick tile residential structures. boring but for the great colors -why in america do residential structures suck. fields mountains houses shenzhen. customs and crazy chinese yelled through megaphones. everyone through customs. everyone must have papers - we get pulled aside eventually and go through a quick line just for dirty rich foreigners with beautiful foreign money. cute girls at a snack and tolietry stand laugh at us grab our china guide and mandarin dictionary and respond to 'do you know mandarin' with 'of course i know mandarin who the hell do you think i am'. i know nothing and if not for my travel companion socrates archimides sai baba id still be somewhere in kowloon peninsula maybe a new life hustling chungking mansions.

wait you crazy old respected foreigner buildings are crazy here - architecture is a whole lot cooler. in hk buildings 20 stories no more than one apartment and an elevator in girth purple green blue yellow pink wild corners and angles jutting out where ever they please the bank of china building has a transparent here and open there interior walking beneath it one looks up through twenty thirty forty floors of glass floor open space escalators and nearly hanging gardens. hanging gardens in hk! right

shenzhen to guangzhou was less than 90 minutes comprising a proper introduction to china. hk and surrounding area are rich and clean - rich have money you qian. shenzhen to guangzhou half completed warehouses and residential buildings - some to be completed others long abandoned - people livin in concrete one room shacks sheet metal roofs one light bulb hanging down above ghostly luminescense supplied from their tv of course. tvs before refrigerators and why not. men women and children strong in the field planting pickin and plowin with a twothousand year old plow yoked behind a big horned twothousand year old oxen making its way slow and determined through mud clogged rice fields with soy beans thrown in for good measure and hopefully a little crop rotation. the mountains are gone i dont even remember any hills but maybe there were off in the distance. uniformed women came through selling bags of nuts bottled water and so many things unrecognizable to these lao wai eyes. another came through with chicken quarters. i got one and it was some of the gameiest tastiest chicken i or jules has ever had. free range dog. i mean chicken. free range chicken.

everyone has a uniform in china. the cute girls in the bakeries typically wear little yellow dealies with matching hats. the military dudes ontop of white cloud mountain [yes i am getting ahead of myself but jebus im behind in my writing] wore blue jumpsuit things. army people wear olive green and chinese rotc is drab gray.

jules is down with a fever all day now here in kunming and thats holding us here. the internet spot i use here sucks hard. though blogger doesnt really work anywhere. tiny little kids to young adults crowd this spot chugging 'tasty put it in your mouth makes you happy' [coke] pepsi and some sort of orange red and purple fanta crap chain smoking playin rpgs and i swear i just saw a ten year old smoking and carrying his orange fanta. what the fuck is wrong here. someone think of the children playing counter strike and god knows what other kill games. the lawyer on the train was full of questions concerning our favorite games. screw the games. these kids need something todo, but its not much different in america with the xbox ps2 and ADD. theres the ten year old he just gave his cigarette to a younger kid and lit another. thats nice.

so anyway. i really need to get us through guangzhou before i find myself there again you dig.

oop theres a six year old smoking. who knew i was so puritan. wait i love laura i cant get that girl out of me for almost two years now shes in me no matter what or who i consume there she is. ive tried to shake her with drugs little girls hookers a little school hustlin readin and travelin what am i gonna do im crazy and my bloods all riled up.

so we get into the guangzhou east rail station and its late and were tired. we want to just hop a train for kunming because we aint got a real plan otheran goin to kunming and then tibet. yet that is. but there isnt a train until tomorrow and we dont have any money but for a hundred and eleven hk dollaroos and about 4k in the benjamins. we do a little dance going up and down stairs in and outside determining we cant get tickets where we are in town where a hotel or hostel is we might want to find and its hot and muggy outside.

these kids only look up to buy another fanta from the girls running this place and to give cigarettes to the five year olds next to them.

downdown stairs under the east rail station we find a metro station. we still dont really know what the fuck is going on and i lie down with my head on the pack and sai is looking at the book and here comes this skinny tiny little girl in one of those uniforms this ones dark blue with matching hat. shes walking around lookin at us and a smiles bursting out her face like rays the sun and she cant take her eyes off us. im tellin jules theres this girl stompin around lookin at us. she goes over to a ticket booth and is talking to another girl about us. they keep looking over at us and laughing. finally she turns towards us and starts cloppity cloppity cloppity highin on over and i say yo jules someones comin and

'stand up' so we stand up. and she cant really control her facial expressions. they start talking a bit o english and some mandarin and i dont think there is much to this tiny little girl with the crooked teeth and pony tail. i didnt notice her super ass until the next day. she giggles a lot and says we should stay in town and play with her tomorrow. she turns her head laughs and blushes a little surprised at her own boldness. though later it seems true her boldness knows no bounds. they talk a long while and i walk around dance around skip hop and jump around wanting to sleep. a guy comes over and is trying to get us in a hotel. the girl sandy jules tells me says she knows the guy and he is nice. i say he hustles and im not much interested in feeding him or his twelve kids. finally we cut a deal on a room for a decent price about 19 usdollars get sandy's number and leave the joint er rather the station. the guy is nice actually and he pays for the cab to the hotel and in the elevator up [the only time i rode the elevator in the hotel, chinese love elevators and are happy to take it a floor] gives us 50 yuan because he knows the price is going to be 200 and our deal is for 150. we meet these nice ladies in the office which is just a hotel room they live in while they run some sort of subsidiary hotel within a hotel the socialite mansions or some nonesense. socrates is really the one for translations. we pay and get our stamped official receipt down the hall to our room which is quite nice. kill all the mosquitos we can find and then sleep blissful deep restful i dont remember the dreams recover and replenish my tired limbs and joints sleep.

encumber yourself

2004-06-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

the problem is writing when one doesnt know how to write. itll be clear after were together for a while that socrates is brief and i weigh you down.

the new zealander briar [briah!] made LAX. charming witty and drunk. the lakers wrapped up the western conference on rush's 6 for 7 at the three point line and briar was loud and obnoxious in her support of the twolves. the airport bar was populated with many pleasant australians adamant in their love of fosters and laker fans adamant in their love for kobe the innocent.

im not good with chronology so lets work together. having shaken off girlfriends and other would be life possessions/ necessities it rained in chicago and we missed our connecting flight in la. fortune smiles and we had the very end seats on the 1am flight for taipei even though it was oversold by twenty seats. every flight for the next month was oversold but we were in taiwan by six. the flight was alright despite three shitty films [i do believe in fairies. i do. i do.] and with our fleeing the east and the sun, dawn approached secretly in padded feet three or so hours between purple haze horizon and the breaking of apollo's rays. the flight was populated with people making their way to all parts of the orient: philippines, vietnam, thailand, malaysia, and china of course. the airport in taipei is a hub for southeastasia. mongoloid peoples flying in from the west and dispersing to all corners of a darker if not the dark continent.

it was raining outside the airport which is all i saw of taiwan taipei. it was lush green with large deciduous trees flowering purple [i think] and some five fingered vine scaled their trunks and limbs covering the foliage with its own and purple and yellow flowers mingled that it was sometime before i distinguished tree and vine [japanese creeper?]. the plane to hongkong was mostly empty. chinese families coming home that their american sons without language would see china for the first time. one mother said to her son she had dreamed of this [his seeing china] for a long time. he responded he too had dreampt of flying to china with her, a boldfaced lie but true at that moment - his desire to please her so great it must have been a dream. the plane drifting lower into hk harbor - the water filled with many barges and intertwined cargo haulers obeying unseen lanes of travel. the water calmly rolling over patches of light and dark - perhaps the boundary of a shelf some drop off to the deep. the water seemed to roll over something - hundreds of meters from the shore white water foamed and bubbled over some hump one side the water a light green bay the other dark forbidding ocean - what is that crazy white water line.

airports are airports and a 10us$ high speed train over the bay in and out of a few islands, kowloon peninsula and finally onto hk island proper. new enormous residential structures lining the islands and shore approaching the city. auntie mame josephine annemarie [some what nutty charming british woman supervising hk's eight youth hostels. she tells me to make the beds before i go and i ask what else i must do and she says make me a sannich. but i dont have anything to put on the sannich i say. what you didnt bring any bacon she replies.] says those new structures have no residents and there is no one to inhabit them. oversupply high income housing shortage of low and middle income housing. central as it is called - built up downtown - is ludicrous. skyscrapers everywhere. hustle and bustle business suits hurry hurry money money. much fun in the citibanks with my cash and attempts to buy travelers checks - having an account means nothing to a subsidiary corporation - fuck corporations. bus #5 to the wrong end of the line and a cab to the mount davis youth hostel. the view was amazing and my digital camera sucks. we played catch atop mount davis amongst microwave towers and british defense structures against the japanese - wrong minded structures oriented towards the land prompting the japanese to come from the sea.

hk's most interesting residents are the many hawks living in the lush tropical mountains not yet developed but also amongst the offices, banks, prada and louis vuitton [ i called ms vuitton up and said i wanted to see her. she asked me what i looked like and having told her she said 'goodnight. im going to bed.' what wait click. sai baba tells fat baba he was supposed to say 'im clean and nice and i will make it worth your while' what the hell, am i chopped liver. apparently ]. what do they consume what do they do with their days. hk has no beggars. in sight anyway. the hostel pays the city 10 hk dollaroos a year in rent. josephine knows the days are numbered before the city reclaims the only undeveloped piece of the island. the city just put in street lights up the mountain to the hostel and has plans to repave the road. hk just isnt that interesting but for its tropical environs, and being up and down a bunch of mountains and foothills. with trees enormous pressed up against building pressed up against hills supporting elevated highways - trees with giant red [deep vermilion] compound flowers. gardens and trees growing overflowing peoples apartments next to drying wardrobes hanging out windows of overcrowded buildings. its just a glamorous nyc borough. the coolest most hawk inhabited built up and down mountains with clouds of butterflies fluttering in and out of the downtown streets borough in the world.

this is the second time i wrote this post. the first time it was up for a while and the other day i checked on it and there was all this crazy french shit. and a picture of some fucking frenchman. it was a better post then. a lot improvised. this is mostly just the hardcopy. and if that frenchman finds his way back here im gonna cut him up like a fish. you hear me frenchy.

darko's in the game!

2004-06-10T23:43:00.000-04:00

rebound!

i said this was illegal but that was before the milicic.

kobe gonna score!

"he owns the team in italy that his dad played for. it was the first thing he bought. their gonna take it away from him when he goes to jail."

"they're not gonna do that." ---flynn

"you're right because their prime minister is the biggest crook in the world."

88-68 that's the end!

detroit

2004-06-10T22:54:00.000-04:00

it's 56-42 with 6 minutes left in the third the pistons can play this game kobe gonna score. chauncy billups needs to run the offense and not try to be kobe bryant. ben wallace is a successful rebounder. 58-44. i've written a lot about how in baseball the important let's say the playoff skills kobe is a bitch are contact and speed well there is an analogue in biskitball it's defense and shooting.

"i think after the championships phil jackson's gonna quit and kobe's gonna go to jail."

"it's what i like to call the least expected ending."

caesar is funny and so are all the things people are writing from around the world if you compare the nba to life and death and say the nba is better then they will approve of your statement and put it on tv. 60-44.

detroit is playing slowdown and that's cool but what they need to do is run the offense while they slow it down. fisher for 3 60-47. 13 points in the third quarter is not enough.

what a great story rasheed wallace dogged all year by the likes of bill moron walton there's his ugly son and now he's in the finals. fuck the rapist it's the wallace brothers. i'm not sayin kobe did it because i don't care. kobe gonna score. luke. 60-49.

rip hamilton! 62-49 and 1! 63.

"kobe's a fuckin ho."

63-51 end of the third.

coca cola or should i say kekou kele knows how to sell kids sugar their commercials are in english. we're here in kunming staying with matt flynn matt's the best and so is his roommate john who is very happy about arsenal's undefeated season. the cat maomao is asleep on my lap in a blanket divot she just got up.

americans love sports with rules we are fascinated by discipline and punishment laws and stoppage of play fuck that shit soccer is a much better sport but i'm not a soccer fan i love baseball. some of you know this.

corliss on the line. one. two. fisher has the ball.

jeremy's on the phone it's very important caesar wakes up the brit. he wants to talk to efe i don't know how to spell his name he's nigerian he told me where the toilet was last night at the speakeasy where we had good times actually it's a depressing hole but the hairy one should tell that story.

the lakers have 51 points with 10:15 left in the game. nice kickout nice three. rip! fast break this ain't even funny it's 70-51.

"the pistons are takin the lakers apart" says the killer of men and usurper of wives cleaner of the sewers man of the people.

three times they offered the crown three times! he said no.

72-52 8:32.

"it would be something special if the lakers could pull their heads out of their asses and pull within ten." speaking of pulling the chinese word for diarrhea is pulled stomach la duzi and we ain't got it day 9 we ain't got it. that's a record. they cleaned this country up since we been here there's all these commercials about microbes and washing your hands and washing the fish guts off the cutting board before you slice the fruit and it's working. hong kong had public service posters about dengue fever.

tom from belgium says if the pistons keep playing like this not even the original dream team can beat them not anymore those mutherfuckers are old.

kobe's got 9 points.

72-54 8:01 73. 74.

it's interesting the pistons feel it's more important to double kobe than shaq although they double shaq too with the wallace brothers but ben wallace can d-up that giant i just called him aristotle but i had to go back and erase it because that is an unconscionable insult. 74-57 7:27. shaq missed two.

rip! 77-59 6:46.

ben wallace just took the ball out of shaq's hands just took it out but his force carried him out of bounds still. impressive.

phil is not happy.

rasheed on the line.

"this is hilarious we're in kunming and we're watching the nba finals."

"if we could get baseball in china this would be the perfect place."

rasheed hit one it's 78-59.

this is the year people start payin attention to ben wallace. i said that and then he dunked it with authority.

this game is sloppy. 80-62 3:38.

84-64 2:50. this is illegal. i'm going home.

unencumber yourself

2004-06-10T04:55:00.000-04:00

unencumber your elf we took a trip here we are where are we are here we are. the border of yunnan, guangxi, and guizhou. the tri-province area.

"what are you gonna write?"

"we'll see."

"are you gonna write love poetry . . . to jenny?"

"there are many girls to write love poetry to. all women are the mother."

the train keeps a-rollin.

keep a-roll in. you a-hole.

now i'm gonna tell you about jenny.

her name is jenny cheng she's from guangzhou here's how we met:

high speed train shenzhen to guangzhou here we are guangzhou east station guangzhou is in guangdong province. we started that morning in hong kong we've been travelling all day we are tired. we want to go to kunming but the banks are closed we have no money. none of the right color, anyway: it's all green. the good colors are red, purple, and orange.

we sit down and talk. there's people there's always people but this place is relatively deserted.

clip! clop! clip! clop! goofy gangly girl cloppin around in a official train station uniform clip! clop! there she goes there she is! there she goes here she comes!

"stand up!" that's the first thing she says to us so we stand up we start talking she's super-friendly she talks to us the banks are closed what are you doing here? you can't go to kunming you crazy foreigners you have to wait. what's your name?

"sandy."

"tomorrow, i no have work. let's play!"

yes we will play you skinny little girl with the big ass when you go clip! clop! stompin around shakin and stompin we talk and talk chinese and english try to make plans and this guy comes up he's like you got a hotel? no, we don't want one. what are you gonna do? we don't care we'll find one ourselves we don't need your help blah blah blah we talk and talk this guy is tryin to get us in his hotel but we're trying to get us in this sandy he wants to put us in the most expensive hotel ha ha ha then he changes his tack when we can't understand him the girl tries to help but her english isn't very good neither is her mandarin she's cantonese but she makes up for it with exuberance she's great.

she's 20 years old and we're trying to make plans to get together tomorrow but this guy keeps trying to get us in his hotel we don't care we want to talk to sandy we want to play. we work it out we get her phone number her name is zhang chao lan---super orchid! we'll call her tomorrow. the guy lowers his offer to 150 rmb 20 dollars we say ok off we go. cab ride to he qun da sha socialite mansion we see a giant decorative apple green atop a building. here we are the people are nice in the elevator the guy gives us 50 rmb we give them 200. they live on the third floor they're some kind of sub-contractors there's a main desk downstairs but they tell us not to go there.

mountains surrounded by fields islands of mountain with mountains in the distance. back to the story we go to sleep halfway around the world we reset our clocks actually we keep the same hours but now we're sleeping at 10 and waking at dawn.

stretch play catch what a crowd look at those crazy foreigners! there's a canal running through the middle of our street it's beautiful chinese people pay attention to harmony---feng shui and all that.

back to the mansion call sandy meet me at blah blah metro station exit a. ok!

she's late she brings her friend jason hey jason here we go ktv karaoke! fun fun fun i sing first something i can't remember yes i can i will always love you. i sang it to every woman in the world. then i sang we are the champions because it was true. charles joined in for sittin on the dock of the bay we were sittin on the dock of the bay.

watchin the ships come in and then our ship came in who's that? the light shined the angels sang two fresh young faces flowed in hair black long wind swept light brown necks i like that one.

"these are my friends."

nice to meet you.

beautiful almond eyes i can say that wide nose flared nostrils lips expressing fullness kissing life. the small bridge of nose eyes back sweep forward nostrils lips and chin and knowing smile. this is jenny.

amy too sweet smile round face light freckles hot hot hot nice tits great ass. oranges no papayas turn round look at that caboose full round in jeans how do you get a girl like that so skinny with a basketball cut in half on the back. it runs in the family she's sandy's sister.

"i want a new name!" amy didn't have a name yet we named her amy and her sister sandy didn't like sandy she wanted a new name we named her daisy. good names we did good work. we ate food and sang songs we took pictures a good time was had by all.

here we go again next day i continue the post. after ktv we went to 10,000 crocodile park. we rode the bus. we were too late but that's not the important part the important part is i sat next to jenny for the entire hour and a half ride and the entire

"i had this chao named coco that used to bite children. she was a great dog." ---caesar.

hour and a half ride back. no only an hour of the return ride because amy had a toothache and jenny got off with her to help her find a dentist. she always thinks of others before herself. we will see the extent to which this phenomenon manifests. shall.

we talked and talked it just happened naturally we naturally shared space look at this we're sitting next to each other we naturally talked i don't even remember what we talked about she told me she works and goes to school she has a terrible job but it's better than the one she used to have but she wants to do better so she goes to school too she studies business administration she likes it. her mom lives in hong kong because she couldn't find work in guangzhou we talked about beijing it's the only place she's ever been besides guangzhou it's the only time she's ever ridden a train she's never been in an airplane. neither one of us knew it but we were falling in love.

jenny and amy got off the bus that left daisy jason me and caesar we ate at a place hot pot good food daisy ate all the chicken feet i didn't get any caesar thought fish was eggplant ate bone.

metro swimming took the metro to the public pool went swimming chinese girls are hot. it's late it's time for bed.

chinese people always wanna have a plan what are we gonna do tomorrow i don't know just hang out but what are we gonna do we gotta do something we'll do something.

post now more later.

no place to start.

2004-06-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

beginnings are difficult. where to, right? later we can hash it out. i came to china to give baseball to the children and hunt their fine mamas. but the first asian girl i made eyes at from this landmass is back in new york. this is the email i sent. i dont know the girl. much. once she peeled my ear of corn. its a fine beginning and explains much. anyway. this is just a cut and paste, no editing typos included free of charge. i will post more in kunming. i am actually in kunming now and hopefully this will finally work.
__________________________________________________________________________________
subject: my drug addled brain: an introduction

greetings and salutations yuki duki.

first and foremost know i am the princeps.

to dispense with formalities i would like to say cheers whatup my man to brian barber. this will pass before his unclouded eyes and i want to come out strong offering to break bread and pour tea. there is nothing ill between us and it is my sincere hope it will remain so after this laughable [federal reserve, as no doubt let us come together and admit i here incur a debt] note.

my one night in hong kong spent up on high above the space inhabited by the gods as seen in their feasting and the disappearance of my sacrifice was marked by visions. i should have written it down at the time, and i am sorry i didnt but bear with me and we might hash it out my fine, beautiful, mulatto [i think it is appropriate though historically it applies only to a patrician white and niggardly blend] mama. i a guest in a foreign land came upon one kim and brian. brian shows me around some small apartment which grows with our steps. entering a small work den it expands into an enormous library to rival any in history that caesar might have burned. brian asks me something about it - if i like it maybe or something. i express my great appreciation for books and my envy at this possession. his greatest but for his mule - you my fine, beautiful wide eyed mama.
and i dont know. i said something very important after that. i told si baba, maybe he remembers. right now i think maybe i said it made me feel inadequate. or i dont know. that doesnt seem right and it does. i should have written it down. brian proceeds to show me around this wonderous now palace ending in a lavish bedroom adorned with wide eyed kim in flowing tyrianpurprle robes. your hair up. the clearest part of the dream. only in that now in my minds eye i see your image in those royal robes so clearly. the rest is no more clear than my drug addled brain. you dig my beautiful fine wide eyed mulemama. you said something to me and brian got angry and i woke up. there you are supine robes clasping grabbing hugging tugging your form budding erect nipples standing atop valencia orange breasts larger than life allseeing antelope eyes more white than gods white beard dark mongoloid features more fine than any patrician caucasian might dream of possessing gorgeous forbidden asian hair pinned above your pristine neck.

know i would climb atop you and worship your marvelous to behold form in a way as yet unknown to your most deserving person. im gonna lick nibble suck stroke rub pull scratch tear my way down from the delicious nape of your neck through those overflowing juicing fruits swollen with milk and neglect to the proof of your mortality that tiny tucked bellybuttons gonna bleed when im done ill live off your thighs and hips crisscrossed with a thousand unseen tributaries of white a testament to that time when curves and womanhood came to you killing the little girl so unfit for this diatribe my philippic your going nuts and you cant take it my tongue up and down your creamy offoff white thighs your hands wrapped wrapping my head begging pleading that i might unfetter the pleasure trapped inside that patrician pink soulhole confined guarded marked with the most fragrant softer than silk flower petals white god ever gave to any creature created in hisown image you my mongoloidmulemama your moans and sighs crescendo into screeches and screams surpassing a diving hawk closing on its dinner your desireneedhunger bursting your fists beating my drug addled brain ill feast on you my tongue deeper than anythings ever been im gonna lick suck bite your core take it in my mouth consume you as a tidal wave of pleasure rocks you and the redsea closes on the egyptians a monsoon pours rushes gushes out covering me my first baptismal you cant take it anymore wide allseeing antelope eyes of god rolled back into ya head im commin up to ravish lick and roll your tortured nipples upupup sucking nibblinbitineatin your tongue in my mouth down my throat when im done with your mouth its blood red swollen up like your blood filled mound which now finally i enter with my

cheers my beautiful wideantelopeeyed mulemama.
no response necessary or expected.
sup for me as i would on you.

death has not touched us

2004-06-07T03:11:00.000-04:00

death is your most trusted advisor. death sits at your left. whenever you have a question, turn to your left, and death will say "i have not touched you."

this is our first post. next we have literature.